where do i go from here

So now I am trying to figure out my where do I go from here.....

In a few years I will be alone....daughter will be off to college and i will be alone....

so do i want to be alone....do i need to be alone.....

i always thought i wanted someone in my life....i think i do...i don't need someone...i want someone there is a HUGE difference...for a while when Jenna was younger I was convienced I wanted a guy with kids, so I could have the more kids I never had....now a few years later and being older I don't know if I want or need that...it would be nice if he had some grown kids maybe so we could eventually enjoy grandkids...but I will have Jennas ......eventually, but NOT now

what type of person do i want....after i left the ex i had this list of this "ideal" mate....what the hell was i thinking.....if you are only looking for the ideal person on the list you can miss out on someone wonderful....

so what that he doesn't like sports.....i really don't watch sci-fy....does this matter...NO...but don't force me to give up what i like and only do what you like....I will watch that horror movie sometimes, but expect my head to be burried in your chest 80% of the time....and don't get pissed that i do this...if you think it is funny or cute...I think I might like that if you are loving about it....

the thing that matters are the core values....the beliefs....their character....not the little things like what you like to watch....heck if you really care for each other you figure a way around this....you don't ask the other person to change, but you do hope that if you like something they will at least give it a try and you do the same for them...heck don't tell me that gay marriage should be banned and then expect me to be happy...yes you are welcome to your opinion....but there are some things that i care about....pot...make it legal and tax it....values...no road rage...i will get out of the car walk home and never talk to you again...

what else matters.....this is what i ask myself....do they have to love you the same amount that you love them....sorry I don't think that is possible for everyone to love each other the exact same amount...and how do you measure this....you ask a mother is she loves all her kids the same she will say yes....but really, does she.....she may feel she loves them the same....but at the same time she may feel closer to one child then the others or feel a different connection with one of her kids....

so what else....OMG a good man....a man that doesn't berate me for doing something that might have been stupid or an accident....I mean really do you think I meant to drive into the curb and blow a tire...yeah I am that stupid....its one thing to joke and tease its another thing just to be mean....

a man that respects me....that I respect.....

a man who makes me feel safe and secure...not just emotionally but in other ways....i have a little control problem when it comes to ridding in cars....the biggest indicator to me is if I feel safe when he drives on the freeway or around town....also secure financially...i am not asking for a guy to support me..I just don't want to have to support him....

a friend told me recently when she started dating her bf that her big test was a movie...if they that person would sit and watch Princess Bride with her....wow that would be a good test for me, make him watch Princess Bride, Caddy Shack and Love Actually.....I realized I had only watched Princess Bride movie once even though I love it...why because the ex didn't and every time I went to watch it he would come in tell me it was stupid and change the channel....I don't mind watching stuff the other person likes to watch even if it isn't stuff I don't like too much....just don't tell me the things I watch are stupid and tell me what I should be watching or like....

what else....family....family needs to be important to him, he needs to get along with his family and his family needs to like me....I don't need to be a shinning star....I just can't be the root of all evil for NO REASON what so ever again.....

likes to have some fun....we go out and isn't a party pooper....is the person that people enjoy to invite to the party....not the person that causes me not to be invited to the party....

so what else....I don't know....i think a spark...a spark when he kisses me....and that when we see each other we both smile....