Well tonight...tonight has been a night of reality and stress.
Had a small paper cut on my finger, hit it on a metal fastener
earlier at work today and then
all of a sudden I am trying to figure out why there is blood
all over my paperwork that i am working on....crap, the stupid
fastener ripped my paper cut open and it will not stop bleeding.
Help from my co-workers and band aids and finally stops, but now to type...
yeah that isn't going to be easy, and go figure it is the middle finger.
So day is almost done and I get a frantic call from my daughter,
her fish tank is leaking...crap....rush home, well the fish are
now in Tupperware....I knew I bought them for something...
she has most of it cleaned up and we have to now take back the
one tank she has and get a glass one....fine as long at it doesn't cost
me anything more....well it was just a little more.
Get her home, she is going to set it up, as I go over to a friends to help
her move some furniture, another call from my daughter, not enough
gravel and need the light bulbs for the tank....ok I am on my way home.
Back to the pet store, now let me say that I have this little short cut I always
take to the pet store through this one neighborhood,
it is a nice little quiet neighborhood with a park you drive past
it has this condo complex where I have had some friends live, love these condos.
So we get the gravel and the light bulbs and we leave the pet store
so I head back through my little short cut....oh crap reality hits me...this
is the condo complex that whats his face his moving to....reality hits me
I need to stop day dreaming of a romantic reunion...reality hits me....
he is never coming back...he doesn't love you...he doesn't want to be with you...
or that fact anyone...he wants to grow old alone...I know he has told me this
several times and I have tried to convince myself to accept but, but we all know
how that goes, I am a female...we can't do that easily....reality hit me...crap...
So here I am driving through this neighborhood holding back the tears
trying not to let my daughter know I am crying as I drive home...
because reality hits me....and reality bites...bites the big one....
So what else can happen, my daughter sets up the new fish tank and starts
putting the fish into it....one keep floating and another is sinking....crap
well out of four fish two are now dead....reality bites....
Fish number one is flushed....and she is watching fish number two....
well now we flush that one...she is so stressed she takes off with her
boyfriend to get some fresh air.
So I sit here with the tip of my middle finger hurting,
hoping I am all cried out...I can't do this anymore....
and thinking whats his face has the right idea
grow old alone and you don't have to worry about being hurt.
I head to bed, I am going to read, well now I really don't want to read
the book I had just started, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
Why read that one....I am going to take a cue from whats his face and
grow old alone...so I look for a new book and fine Sex, Drugs and Coco Puffs
I will read that, that sounds good....
I read for a while, then go to sleep, I wake up and go to the bath room
for some reason I decide I need to go check on the fish tank in
daughters room, she still isn't home yet....oh crap...reality bites...
Her favorite fish is now dead....I guess we will have to go shopping
for new fish tomorrow...so I text her and she texts me back she is
almost home....I hear her come into the house, and hear the sound
of the favorite fish being flushed....
My friend told me recently her theory about fish is
that god created fish to teach us about death....
REALITY BITES SOMETIMES.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sunday, May 23, 2010
whirl wind evening...
What a whirl wind evening....texting with a friend and I decide to check craigslist for some stupid reason to look at the men out there.....well one catches my eye for some weird reason, he says he is in his 40's and retired early and the woman he was with had moved away for a job and alone again now.....I never answer these things, and craigslist sort of scares me....I registered on one of those sites until I found it it cost and I am too cheap and too broke to pay...
So I reply....and figure I won't hear back for a few days, well as I am texing her and emailing at the same time, because my friend decides I should look at more on craigslist and she is emailing me all sorts of links to ad's....I look up and there is an email in my in box...not from her, not from a family member but from him the "friend" that i am no longer friends with because he was hesitant...my heart stops, I am afraid to read this, I text her OMG I just got a email from your son, I am afraid, she says read it....you will be fine....and just as I go to open it, my other email says I have a reply from the craigslist guy....
so the I read the craigslist one first, he says he is in Camarillo and would love to meet at a starbucks but wonders if we should exchange pictures first...so i reply that would be fine sometime I am in Ventura and included my picture.
The subject line is "for what its worth", I am thinking...did he send me something serious or some sort of joke he forwarded....so now I open it....he says he doesn't know if he should be writing this, he doesnt know if anything he says will make things better, but they can't make anything worse....this is true.
He apologies, he never meant to hurt me and he did things that hurt me and he is sorry, he never meant to lie, but looking back he did say things count as lies, and he is sorry....OMG he said he was sorry...he said he believed his own lies, if you believed them then how are they lies, because you have always told yourself you can't feel this way, maybe they weren't lies and he just needs to realize this. But either way he said he was sorry. He says he isn't looking for forgiveness he just wants me to know he didn't play me he believed things he said also, and now he has a lot of stuff to learn about himself....
Wow this means a lot, I do question it, is it sincere, did someone tell him to write this, I have to believe it is sincere, he is a good guy, I have known him for ever and he isn't this way, he wouldn't do that again to me....and I think the first email was his way of trying to let me know he did things he wasn't proud of, it was just the way he worded it that wasn't good.
I ask myself did he read my blog....OMG you are being stupid, he always says he does NOT look at your FB page ever and he doesn't read blogs, he never would do this just because he read your blog, and even it he read your blog maybe it just opened his eyes to how much this whole thing hurt you....accept the apology and realize he never would have done it if he didn't mean it...and just because he is telling you he lied in the past that is not him, he doesn't lie about stuff that matters, and that is how you know he really felt something, he is just lying to himself now.
I have to respond to my former friend or what ever we are now, as much as I want to make him sit and wait i am sitting here in front of my computer and want to respond....in the mean time the Camarillo craigslist guy has emailed me back his picture...his email is signed Bob...and OMG he is NOT 40's he looks more like mid 50's and he looks like my dad's old friend from 20 years ago that was an old navy male chauvinist who I just wanted to smack every time I saw him...I can't respond to this guys now, OMG he wants to meet like this minute at a starbuck, just ignore him, maybe he will realize I am not interested.
I tell him thank you, thank you as long as this is sincere and not what you just think I need to hear even though it is what I want to hear, thank you, and forgiveness, well it will happen eventually. It take a lot for me not to forgive someone...of course I never forget, I only forgive. I tell him that if he believed them they I don't believe they were all lies, that I still believe he felt something and got scared. I tell him thank you for the apology and hope that in learning about himself he can learn to love and be loved. I ask him where do we go from here, part and never be friends, avoid each other in public and private situations, that I feel right now he got what he wanted me far away from him and out of his life for ever....I need him to be honest with me...and I wonder to myself what will he say, I also wonder if he doesn't want the friendship why...is he afraid of me still feeling something or is he afraid he will feel something and not know how to handle it. So I hit send and wonder if he will reply tonight or it will be a day....
Wow another email from Bob...I replied to your email through another account maybe you didn't get it...wow...2 minutes later another email from him...where are you...did I say something wrong...OMG what....so what I didn't reply to an email instantly....I will just ignore it and maybe he will realize I am not interested. I can't deal with him now....and now this has confirmed what I had been telling my "friend" all along when we were together, I do NOT want or NEED someone who is there 24-7....and I never helped him realize that by sending him so many texts, but that is me, when I think of something I just want to tell you and I am not always looking for a response....it is just a thought...
So I look back at my other account....wow his mom has send me three guys from craigslist to look at....not sure about any of them and not feeling hesitant myself....and there is a response from my "friend"
Completely honest? he has no idea where we go from here, if I need space he will give it to me....I respond and tell him, he was the one that was hesitant about the friendship and he was the one that gave out the huge sigh when I sat next to him at the movie event (which was my first clue before the email there was a problem and that sigh hurt so much). I don't need space I need the friendship back the way it was before he went to therapy...before he decided to tell me he manipulated me and had to boost my ego....he is the one that has to hide the friendship from his family members that don't approve (which is absolutely ridiculous!), we are adults and it is our decisions not theirs but they are they ones that also helped split us up in the first place...I don't care what anyone says these family members played a role....I tell him I don't want him to say "it might be best if we are friends" that only tells me he is trying to be friends because he doens't want to make his mom mad....so it is up to him....
he replies....he wants to discuss this with his therapist this week...I think that is good, I suggest he prints and takes both emails to the therapist, the manipulation one and this one...it concerns me that he only knows what he feels because it is what his therapist tells him he is feeling, but he will eventually learn how to figure out what he is feeling....
wow...feeling much better...OMG another email from Bob...hello where are you....OMG...so this morning I write him...sorry I had to leave and didn't respond but not interested, I do not need someone that wants to move this fast....sorry...no thank you....
I go to bed feeling much better trying not to question any thing, don't go backwards only forwards, he means he is sorry, yes he felt things he just doesn't realize it....yes you still love him and that is ok you will work through that...can I be his friend and still know I love him...heck yeah....been there done that, and hopefully I never made a fool of myself and I don't think I did because when I was younger and did this, these guys NEVER had a clue...woke up feeling more like myself...before the break up, before the bc pills that made me crazy, before the emails telling me that I needed my confidence built up....woke up feeling almost productive today....
where do i go from here...who knows...feeling like I don't want to even get out there and try to date...if Bob is any indication and the way I walked away from the last one feeling...really I just might take a cue from my "friend" and grow old alone....but all of this will take time....will I still cry once in a while over him...my "friend" if that is what we will be someday...yeah...will I love again who knows...will I have that person that when they kiss me I feel the tingles all the way to my toes who know....but I sit here feeling better, one email makes me feel terrible, another just like that make me feel a little more like a person and going on....even though it seems like an over night change it really isn't but it is just me telling myself I can do this...
So I reply....and figure I won't hear back for a few days, well as I am texing her and emailing at the same time, because my friend decides I should look at more on craigslist and she is emailing me all sorts of links to ad's....I look up and there is an email in my in box...not from her, not from a family member but from him the "friend" that i am no longer friends with because he was hesitant...my heart stops, I am afraid to read this, I text her OMG I just got a email from your son, I am afraid, she says read it....you will be fine....and just as I go to open it, my other email says I have a reply from the craigslist guy....
so the I read the craigslist one first, he says he is in Camarillo and would love to meet at a starbucks but wonders if we should exchange pictures first...so i reply that would be fine sometime I am in Ventura and included my picture.
The subject line is "for what its worth", I am thinking...did he send me something serious or some sort of joke he forwarded....so now I open it....he says he doesn't know if he should be writing this, he doesnt know if anything he says will make things better, but they can't make anything worse....this is true.
He apologies, he never meant to hurt me and he did things that hurt me and he is sorry, he never meant to lie, but looking back he did say things count as lies, and he is sorry....OMG he said he was sorry...he said he believed his own lies, if you believed them then how are they lies, because you have always told yourself you can't feel this way, maybe they weren't lies and he just needs to realize this. But either way he said he was sorry. He says he isn't looking for forgiveness he just wants me to know he didn't play me he believed things he said also, and now he has a lot of stuff to learn about himself....
Wow this means a lot, I do question it, is it sincere, did someone tell him to write this, I have to believe it is sincere, he is a good guy, I have known him for ever and he isn't this way, he wouldn't do that again to me....and I think the first email was his way of trying to let me know he did things he wasn't proud of, it was just the way he worded it that wasn't good.
I ask myself did he read my blog....OMG you are being stupid, he always says he does NOT look at your FB page ever and he doesn't read blogs, he never would do this just because he read your blog, and even it he read your blog maybe it just opened his eyes to how much this whole thing hurt you....accept the apology and realize he never would have done it if he didn't mean it...and just because he is telling you he lied in the past that is not him, he doesn't lie about stuff that matters, and that is how you know he really felt something, he is just lying to himself now.
I have to respond to my former friend or what ever we are now, as much as I want to make him sit and wait i am sitting here in front of my computer and want to respond....in the mean time the Camarillo craigslist guy has emailed me back his picture...his email is signed Bob...and OMG he is NOT 40's he looks more like mid 50's and he looks like my dad's old friend from 20 years ago that was an old navy male chauvinist who I just wanted to smack every time I saw him...I can't respond to this guys now, OMG he wants to meet like this minute at a starbuck, just ignore him, maybe he will realize I am not interested.
I tell him thank you, thank you as long as this is sincere and not what you just think I need to hear even though it is what I want to hear, thank you, and forgiveness, well it will happen eventually. It take a lot for me not to forgive someone...of course I never forget, I only forgive. I tell him that if he believed them they I don't believe they were all lies, that I still believe he felt something and got scared. I tell him thank you for the apology and hope that in learning about himself he can learn to love and be loved. I ask him where do we go from here, part and never be friends, avoid each other in public and private situations, that I feel right now he got what he wanted me far away from him and out of his life for ever....I need him to be honest with me...and I wonder to myself what will he say, I also wonder if he doesn't want the friendship why...is he afraid of me still feeling something or is he afraid he will feel something and not know how to handle it. So I hit send and wonder if he will reply tonight or it will be a day....
Wow another email from Bob...I replied to your email through another account maybe you didn't get it...wow...2 minutes later another email from him...where are you...did I say something wrong...OMG what....so what I didn't reply to an email instantly....I will just ignore it and maybe he will realize I am not interested. I can't deal with him now....and now this has confirmed what I had been telling my "friend" all along when we were together, I do NOT want or NEED someone who is there 24-7....and I never helped him realize that by sending him so many texts, but that is me, when I think of something I just want to tell you and I am not always looking for a response....it is just a thought...
So I look back at my other account....wow his mom has send me three guys from craigslist to look at....not sure about any of them and not feeling hesitant myself....and there is a response from my "friend"
Completely honest? he has no idea where we go from here, if I need space he will give it to me....I respond and tell him, he was the one that was hesitant about the friendship and he was the one that gave out the huge sigh when I sat next to him at the movie event (which was my first clue before the email there was a problem and that sigh hurt so much). I don't need space I need the friendship back the way it was before he went to therapy...before he decided to tell me he manipulated me and had to boost my ego....he is the one that has to hide the friendship from his family members that don't approve (which is absolutely ridiculous!), we are adults and it is our decisions not theirs but they are they ones that also helped split us up in the first place...I don't care what anyone says these family members played a role....I tell him I don't want him to say "it might be best if we are friends" that only tells me he is trying to be friends because he doens't want to make his mom mad....so it is up to him....
he replies....he wants to discuss this with his therapist this week...I think that is good, I suggest he prints and takes both emails to the therapist, the manipulation one and this one...it concerns me that he only knows what he feels because it is what his therapist tells him he is feeling, but he will eventually learn how to figure out what he is feeling....
wow...feeling much better...OMG another email from Bob...hello where are you....OMG...so this morning I write him...sorry I had to leave and didn't respond but not interested, I do not need someone that wants to move this fast....sorry...no thank you....
I go to bed feeling much better trying not to question any thing, don't go backwards only forwards, he means he is sorry, yes he felt things he just doesn't realize it....yes you still love him and that is ok you will work through that...can I be his friend and still know I love him...heck yeah....been there done that, and hopefully I never made a fool of myself and I don't think I did because when I was younger and did this, these guys NEVER had a clue...woke up feeling more like myself...before the break up, before the bc pills that made me crazy, before the emails telling me that I needed my confidence built up....woke up feeling almost productive today....
where do i go from here...who knows...feeling like I don't want to even get out there and try to date...if Bob is any indication and the way I walked away from the last one feeling...really I just might take a cue from my "friend" and grow old alone....but all of this will take time....will I still cry once in a while over him...my "friend" if that is what we will be someday...yeah...will I love again who knows...will I have that person that when they kiss me I feel the tingles all the way to my toes who know....but I sit here feeling better, one email makes me feel terrible, another just like that make me feel a little more like a person and going on....even though it seems like an over night change it really isn't but it is just me telling myself I can do this...
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Lies, trust and confidence....what a terrible triangle
How do you accept lies when someone you trust and know tells you it was all a lie....oh yeah thats right he never said the word lie...he said manipulations and romantic exaggerations...whats the difference....
Well when you are talking about love or the possibility of love there is no difference when you find out he was only playing with your heart. He figured you needed a boost in your confidence, wow...now I really need a boost in my confidence, now I feel like the only way someone could even want to be with me is if they were faking to care about me....now if someone says anything about love how do I believe them.
He said he loved being with me, he loved looking in my eyes, he loved holding me, he loved talking to me, he said these things first, before I EVER showed or spoke of emotions, he was the first one to say it was becoming more then FWB, he said he loved me but not in the way I want....I was never really sure what that meant and he never could explain it and now I know why ....it was all a lie....a game....he played a game with my heart...and I trusted him, he told me he would never lie about the important stuff like feelings.
Now he says he has and had no feeling for me at any time, he never had and never will have feelings for me, that I need to accept what I thought was there, just wasn't there.
Now he is even hesitant to be my friend, so now I have also lost what I thought was one of my best friends I have ever had. He was surprised when I told him that, but I always knew no matter what he was my friend, he was one of those friends that no matter when when I called he was there. Hesitant...what does he mean by that....afraid, scared, is he afraid of what I will say, do or feel or what he might say, do or feel, I think it is me, me he is afraid of. That hurts...that hurts a lot.
Now I feel like I have been thrown under the bus as a sacrificial lamb going to slaughter. His therapist told him to tell the truth, to not worry about how other will feel.....so here I sit with the tire marks from the bus....
Am I too trusting, am I stupid, I thought I could read people really good, I guess I was wrong.
He did it to build my confidence, really I don't remember needing him to build my confidence.
Am I a bad person, because it seems that these things only happen to me. I sit here crying not because it is over, not because he is gone, not because he told me he felt nothing, never did and never has despite what i might think, I cry because now I feel worse about myself then I could have ever felt in the past. I didn't feel bad about myself before this thing, yet he thought I needed my confidence built up because he has such a huge ego that he could be the one to do this. Well now I feel like trash, like i am so far from being worthy of loving no one could ever love me.
How could a few little words do this to me, how can these words make me feel so bad. I feel worse then when my mother would tell me I wasn't as smart as my brother, or athletic as the other brother or as talented or as pretty as my sister, those hurt but not as much, they didn't hurt because I knew she said things just to hurt me. This hurt because I trusted him, because he said he didn't lie about the important stuff....but he did and he will NOT use the word lie...he has not said he was sorry....he said he meant no harm, but will NOT say he is sorry....
I tell him fine, the friendship is over, no more text no more emails and I will not come to any family functions he is at, I tell his mom I don't think I can move into the family house after he moves out....I can't.
He is clueless he is a man....his mom says something to him about me being upset, did he read the email, did he skim it and not pay attention, he had no clue....so he re-reads the email and he is anxiously asking her what he should say to me....why ...why should he even care, he never had any feeling and he doesn't want to be my friend. I tell her I don't want to hear it again, I don't want to hear the excuses or explanation, all I want is those three little words..I am sorry....and two other words...I lied....so i told her i don't want to hear from him....I want him to think first, I want him to take the email to his therapist and think about it....he got what he wanted he got rid of the crazy obsessed woman that he cared nothing about.....wow i bet he wished he had said those things earlier, he had said used romantic exaggerations, but he never said manipulated or that it was all for his ego and that he was trying to boost my confidence....
I am back 20 years now...maybe i needed a little confidence boosting but not that much, i might have gotten a few extra boost, maybe 2-3 steps forward but one email...one email and I am go backward at least 10 steps if not more. Now I am back to where i was 20 years where my mom never said she loved me before she died, where my sister said she wanted nothing to do with me because I was the cause of all her problems (even though I knew it wasn't true, still hurt) , where my father was pushing me to move out of the house because even though his girl friend didn't live there she didn't want "kids" in the house, where I married a man I didn't love because everyone said it was the right thing to do and I thought i would never find anyone to love me again. Where I dropped out of college because I thought I would never be smart enough to go on to a regular college and never be able to afford it if I could, back there again with one email.....
How could one email do this, because I trusted and thought he was my friend. I convinced him to stay my friend even though he didn't want to....how do I know this, things he said and did, I heard them and ignored them....ask him if he wants to be my friend...I think it would be best if we stay friends, translation, well I really don't want to be, too much trouble and I never really wanted to be but my mom would get mad if I say no....sit next to him at an event, the huge sigh, not the good sigh, the kind I heard from my ex and still do every time I talked to him or walked into the room, I hate that sigh.....that sigh is worse the the knife in the heart of I don't love you....then the "I am hesitant to be your friend" OMG just say you don't want to be friends, and walk away....OMG just say you lied....don't say you manipulated me or something else, you LIED...OMG just say you are sorry, not I meant no harm....but maybe you aren't sorry, how can you be sorry if you didn't care and are happy it is over with. His mom asked him if he got anything good out of the relationship, well I guess....OMG just tell her you were miserable the entire time and I wall all a lie and torture....
So he is free, and he can be happy, he doesn't have to hide the friendship from the family members that aren't happy with it, he doesn't have to pretend to be my friend for his mom...he is free...now that i was over the relationship breaking up I am going through it all over again for the friendship....why should I care he didn't
Well when you are talking about love or the possibility of love there is no difference when you find out he was only playing with your heart. He figured you needed a boost in your confidence, wow...now I really need a boost in my confidence, now I feel like the only way someone could even want to be with me is if they were faking to care about me....now if someone says anything about love how do I believe them.
He said he loved being with me, he loved looking in my eyes, he loved holding me, he loved talking to me, he said these things first, before I EVER showed or spoke of emotions, he was the first one to say it was becoming more then FWB, he said he loved me but not in the way I want....I was never really sure what that meant and he never could explain it and now I know why ....it was all a lie....a game....he played a game with my heart...and I trusted him, he told me he would never lie about the important stuff like feelings.
Now he says he has and had no feeling for me at any time, he never had and never will have feelings for me, that I need to accept what I thought was there, just wasn't there.
Now he is even hesitant to be my friend, so now I have also lost what I thought was one of my best friends I have ever had. He was surprised when I told him that, but I always knew no matter what he was my friend, he was one of those friends that no matter when when I called he was there. Hesitant...what does he mean by that....afraid, scared, is he afraid of what I will say, do or feel or what he might say, do or feel, I think it is me, me he is afraid of. That hurts...that hurts a lot.
Now I feel like I have been thrown under the bus as a sacrificial lamb going to slaughter. His therapist told him to tell the truth, to not worry about how other will feel.....so here I sit with the tire marks from the bus....
Am I too trusting, am I stupid, I thought I could read people really good, I guess I was wrong.
He did it to build my confidence, really I don't remember needing him to build my confidence.
Am I a bad person, because it seems that these things only happen to me. I sit here crying not because it is over, not because he is gone, not because he told me he felt nothing, never did and never has despite what i might think, I cry because now I feel worse about myself then I could have ever felt in the past. I didn't feel bad about myself before this thing, yet he thought I needed my confidence built up because he has such a huge ego that he could be the one to do this. Well now I feel like trash, like i am so far from being worthy of loving no one could ever love me.
How could a few little words do this to me, how can these words make me feel so bad. I feel worse then when my mother would tell me I wasn't as smart as my brother, or athletic as the other brother or as talented or as pretty as my sister, those hurt but not as much, they didn't hurt because I knew she said things just to hurt me. This hurt because I trusted him, because he said he didn't lie about the important stuff....but he did and he will NOT use the word lie...he has not said he was sorry....he said he meant no harm, but will NOT say he is sorry....
I tell him fine, the friendship is over, no more text no more emails and I will not come to any family functions he is at, I tell his mom I don't think I can move into the family house after he moves out....I can't.
He is clueless he is a man....his mom says something to him about me being upset, did he read the email, did he skim it and not pay attention, he had no clue....so he re-reads the email and he is anxiously asking her what he should say to me....why ...why should he even care, he never had any feeling and he doesn't want to be my friend. I tell her I don't want to hear it again, I don't want to hear the excuses or explanation, all I want is those three little words..I am sorry....and two other words...I lied....so i told her i don't want to hear from him....I want him to think first, I want him to take the email to his therapist and think about it....he got what he wanted he got rid of the crazy obsessed woman that he cared nothing about.....wow i bet he wished he had said those things earlier, he had said used romantic exaggerations, but he never said manipulated or that it was all for his ego and that he was trying to boost my confidence....
I am back 20 years now...maybe i needed a little confidence boosting but not that much, i might have gotten a few extra boost, maybe 2-3 steps forward but one email...one email and I am go backward at least 10 steps if not more. Now I am back to where i was 20 years where my mom never said she loved me before she died, where my sister said she wanted nothing to do with me because I was the cause of all her problems (even though I knew it wasn't true, still hurt) , where my father was pushing me to move out of the house because even though his girl friend didn't live there she didn't want "kids" in the house, where I married a man I didn't love because everyone said it was the right thing to do and I thought i would never find anyone to love me again. Where I dropped out of college because I thought I would never be smart enough to go on to a regular college and never be able to afford it if I could, back there again with one email.....
How could one email do this, because I trusted and thought he was my friend. I convinced him to stay my friend even though he didn't want to....how do I know this, things he said and did, I heard them and ignored them....ask him if he wants to be my friend...I think it would be best if we stay friends, translation, well I really don't want to be, too much trouble and I never really wanted to be but my mom would get mad if I say no....sit next to him at an event, the huge sigh, not the good sigh, the kind I heard from my ex and still do every time I talked to him or walked into the room, I hate that sigh.....that sigh is worse the the knife in the heart of I don't love you....then the "I am hesitant to be your friend" OMG just say you don't want to be friends, and walk away....OMG just say you lied....don't say you manipulated me or something else, you LIED...OMG just say you are sorry, not I meant no harm....but maybe you aren't sorry, how can you be sorry if you didn't care and are happy it is over with. His mom asked him if he got anything good out of the relationship, well I guess....OMG just tell her you were miserable the entire time and I wall all a lie and torture....
So he is free, and he can be happy, he doesn't have to hide the friendship from the family members that aren't happy with it, he doesn't have to pretend to be my friend for his mom...he is free...now that i was over the relationship breaking up I am going through it all over again for the friendship....why should I care he didn't
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mothers Day
Such mixed feelings on mothers day and not the same ones every mothers day
Joy, sorrow, happiness, sadness, loss, fear, confusion, anger, forgiveness,
All of these feelings mixed up in one some times and others just one or two.
The joy of being a mother and hoping i am a better mom then my mom was
to me....I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I try so hard not
to say or do the same things my mother did.
I have had mothers days there were fantastic, especially when my daughter was
little, then there were mothers days where all I wanted was my mom for some
reason. My daughter always tries to make mothers day a wonderful day for me
but I think she knows that it can also be a little painful and never sure about
what type of day I might have.
My sister would tell people that she felt like when I came along they got the daughter they always wanted even though the had adopted her, well I always felt like she was the one wanted and I was the mistake....of course being told that one she never expected to carry me to term and two that I was a conceived on a trip to the beach and not really expected didn't always help...
The extra mom's in my life, the ones that were there, the ones that thought
they were there for me, it was all good and all confusing sometimes.
Many, friends and family deserted us, when bad mom came along, the
woman that wouldn't go to the parties anymore, the woman that embarrassed
them. However we had many that were there for me and my sister.
The regular scheduled families dinner on Friday with one family at their favorite restaurant
two nights a week down at the neighbors, the other nights mostly babysitting, and the other
nights at another families house. These were the times that mom was
in the hospital, I don't know how this got started or how they all knew
but it was a regular thing how these families cirled around us.
I miss mom my sometimes, even though all the memories are not great,
I still miss her sometimes. It took MANY MANY years for me to go from
anger and hatred to forgiveness, I never stopped loving her, I just didn't
always like her. Forgiveness was a very long and hard process.
The mother that wasn't there when I got married or gave birth to
my daughter. I felt so many mixed feeling when I gave birth, such joy
and happiness, but such loneliness or not having a mom there ...mind
you my mother-in-law was there, but she was FAR from a mother to me.
I always say that there were two mothers in our family,
the wonderful, fun, nice, healthy mom
then the sick, alcoholic, mean spiteful mom.
The mom that was the troop leader of the girl scouts, the PTA mom
everyone loved and loved to be around,
the mother my brothers had all their lives while growing up....
the other mom...well I only had the good mom till I was about in 5th grade
then the other mom came along, the sick, dying miserable mom.
My dad used to joke about who broke the mirror...mom was sick for 7 years before she passed.
She did not want to move to California and leave her friends and her sons in Maryland.
I knew this but didn't know how sad and upset she was about this till recently when I
found out she would call one of her new friends here in CA on a regular basis and go on and on
about not wanting to be an CA.
Mom made me and Carol share a room when we moved to CA, so that the other room could be kept for her boys when they visit, eventually dad let Carol move into the other room and told my mom she had to deal with it.
Other things I have found out later in life is that when we lived in MD she would
have coffee every morning after the kids went to school with her best friend, however
she didn't drink coffee, she would have her soda (maybe that is where I get my soda
addiction from) and she would add alcohol to it (unannounced to her friend)
So I did have the good mom for a little bit, and I had no clue during many of those years
that she was an alcoholic, I have no idea when I really found out.....
however I do have memories of knowing she was.....remembering looking into her room
door not shut all the way, seeing her taking a bottle out of her bottom dresser drawer
and taking a swig....mouth wash, lots of mouth wash, always using the mouth wash during the day.....I am just now able to use mouth wash myself without have a bad memory of it.
Good mom....yeah I remember her, little memories, my brother giving her our dog Peggy
her being part of my girl scout troupe...being in charge of the cookie sales
but by 5th or 6th grade those memories started to fade....and the other mom was there
The mom that conned my sister and I out of money because dad had locked up all the booze
she took the money and went out to the store to buy her booze...and she wasn't supposed to
be driving anymore....the suicidal mom....several times and the only times she tried was
when I was home, either with my sister or home alone with her.
One of those times she even told the dr that she did it because Amy didn't love her....
I was a teenager who yelled at her because I was busy washing window and could not
wait on her hand and foot, because by this time she has become a semi-invalent
the mom that would tell me things like....well with your grades at least we don't have to
worry about refinancing the house to pay for a good college for you, we will be lucky if
you get into college....I was never as smart as David, never good at sports like Ron, and
never as pretty or talented in art as Carol....so there i was the baby, Amy...the loser who
could do nothing right, some say she was jealous, jealous because we weren't close and
me and my father were close, and getting closer all the time, mostly due to her.
I remember making a spelling mistake in school (what a surprise I am terrible at spelling)
sitting in church that week and hearing the minister talk about spelling girl as gril....I was so
embarrassed, I don't remember if he said who it was, but everyone laughed and I sunk into
my seat, watching my mom there smiling like she thought it was wonderful....
I remember being in 5th grade and my mom bought me for a school event a grass skirt, well
for some reason the skirt did not stay together and as me and all my classmates did the dance
it was slowly coming apart, I don't know why everyone was laughing but to this day I am
convinced they were laughing at me and my skirt, and my mom was laughing the loudest...
I know she was a good mom at some point, we joked about our family being the model for the
cartoon/TV show "Wait till your father gets home", that was my mom. She never disciplined the kids, she just told all of us to wait till your father gets home. Then when dad got home she would tell him to yell at who ever it was for what ever they did, half the time he wasn't even sure why
he was yelling at us.
I do love my mom, and I have forgiven her, which was a long drawn out process.
Forgiven but not forgotten - I mean I am a McGaw....
Forgiven for the mean words, for the drinking, for drinking so bad she made
herself sick. For not letting me have the good mom like my brothers.
But would I have ever really had the good mom...who knows.....because the
way she felt about me....I don't know for sure how she felt about me, but I believe she loved me she just didn't really want me and was jealous of how close my dad and I were.
Joy, sorrow, happiness, sadness, loss, fear, confusion, anger, forgiveness,
All of these feelings mixed up in one some times and others just one or two.
The joy of being a mother and hoping i am a better mom then my mom was
to me....I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I try so hard not
to say or do the same things my mother did.
I have had mothers days there were fantastic, especially when my daughter was
little, then there were mothers days where all I wanted was my mom for some
reason. My daughter always tries to make mothers day a wonderful day for me
but I think she knows that it can also be a little painful and never sure about
what type of day I might have.
My sister would tell people that she felt like when I came along they got the daughter they always wanted even though the had adopted her, well I always felt like she was the one wanted and I was the mistake....of course being told that one she never expected to carry me to term and two that I was a conceived on a trip to the beach and not really expected didn't always help...
The extra mom's in my life, the ones that were there, the ones that thought
they were there for me, it was all good and all confusing sometimes.
Many, friends and family deserted us, when bad mom came along, the
woman that wouldn't go to the parties anymore, the woman that embarrassed
them. However we had many that were there for me and my sister.
The regular scheduled families dinner on Friday with one family at their favorite restaurant
two nights a week down at the neighbors, the other nights mostly babysitting, and the other
nights at another families house. These were the times that mom was
in the hospital, I don't know how this got started or how they all knew
but it was a regular thing how these families cirled around us.
I miss mom my sometimes, even though all the memories are not great,
I still miss her sometimes. It took MANY MANY years for me to go from
anger and hatred to forgiveness, I never stopped loving her, I just didn't
always like her. Forgiveness was a very long and hard process.
The mother that wasn't there when I got married or gave birth to
my daughter. I felt so many mixed feeling when I gave birth, such joy
and happiness, but such loneliness or not having a mom there ...mind
you my mother-in-law was there, but she was FAR from a mother to me.
I always say that there were two mothers in our family,
the wonderful, fun, nice, healthy mom
then the sick, alcoholic, mean spiteful mom.
The mom that was the troop leader of the girl scouts, the PTA mom
everyone loved and loved to be around,
the mother my brothers had all their lives while growing up....
the other mom...well I only had the good mom till I was about in 5th grade
then the other mom came along, the sick, dying miserable mom.
My dad used to joke about who broke the mirror...mom was sick for 7 years before she passed.
She did not want to move to California and leave her friends and her sons in Maryland.
I knew this but didn't know how sad and upset she was about this till recently when I
found out she would call one of her new friends here in CA on a regular basis and go on and on
about not wanting to be an CA.
Mom made me and Carol share a room when we moved to CA, so that the other room could be kept for her boys when they visit, eventually dad let Carol move into the other room and told my mom she had to deal with it.
Other things I have found out later in life is that when we lived in MD she would
have coffee every morning after the kids went to school with her best friend, however
she didn't drink coffee, she would have her soda (maybe that is where I get my soda
addiction from) and she would add alcohol to it (unannounced to her friend)
So I did have the good mom for a little bit, and I had no clue during many of those years
that she was an alcoholic, I have no idea when I really found out.....
however I do have memories of knowing she was.....remembering looking into her room
door not shut all the way, seeing her taking a bottle out of her bottom dresser drawer
and taking a swig....mouth wash, lots of mouth wash, always using the mouth wash during the day.....I am just now able to use mouth wash myself without have a bad memory of it.
Good mom....yeah I remember her, little memories, my brother giving her our dog Peggy
her being part of my girl scout troupe...being in charge of the cookie sales
but by 5th or 6th grade those memories started to fade....and the other mom was there
The mom that conned my sister and I out of money because dad had locked up all the booze
she took the money and went out to the store to buy her booze...and she wasn't supposed to
be driving anymore....the suicidal mom....several times and the only times she tried was
when I was home, either with my sister or home alone with her.
One of those times she even told the dr that she did it because Amy didn't love her....
I was a teenager who yelled at her because I was busy washing window and could not
wait on her hand and foot, because by this time she has become a semi-invalent
the mom that would tell me things like....well with your grades at least we don't have to
worry about refinancing the house to pay for a good college for you, we will be lucky if
you get into college....I was never as smart as David, never good at sports like Ron, and
never as pretty or talented in art as Carol....so there i was the baby, Amy...the loser who
could do nothing right, some say she was jealous, jealous because we weren't close and
me and my father were close, and getting closer all the time, mostly due to her.
I remember making a spelling mistake in school (what a surprise I am terrible at spelling)
sitting in church that week and hearing the minister talk about spelling girl as gril....I was so
embarrassed, I don't remember if he said who it was, but everyone laughed and I sunk into
my seat, watching my mom there smiling like she thought it was wonderful....
I remember being in 5th grade and my mom bought me for a school event a grass skirt, well
for some reason the skirt did not stay together and as me and all my classmates did the dance
it was slowly coming apart, I don't know why everyone was laughing but to this day I am
convinced they were laughing at me and my skirt, and my mom was laughing the loudest...
I know she was a good mom at some point, we joked about our family being the model for the
cartoon/TV show "Wait till your father gets home", that was my mom. She never disciplined the kids, she just told all of us to wait till your father gets home. Then when dad got home she would tell him to yell at who ever it was for what ever they did, half the time he wasn't even sure why
he was yelling at us.
I do love my mom, and I have forgiven her, which was a long drawn out process.
Forgiven but not forgotten - I mean I am a McGaw....
Forgiven for the mean words, for the drinking, for drinking so bad she made
herself sick. For not letting me have the good mom like my brothers.
But would I have ever really had the good mom...who knows.....because the
way she felt about me....I don't know for sure how she felt about me, but I believe she loved me she just didn't really want me and was jealous of how close my dad and I were.
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