The Ring....

I took the ring off….My mother had a ring made for my sister, it was a combination of her wedding ring and I think her mothers and grandmothers rings. So my mom went to give it to my sister and my sister didn’t want it. My mom was hurt, she kept it and put it away. When my mom got sick and knew she would be passing soon she gave me the ring but made a point to tell me if my sister changed her mind I needed to give it to her. I never wore the ring I kept it put away. It represented so many hurtful feeling towards my mom…things she had said that hurt. I have worked long and hard to get past many (not all) of these things she had said and decided a few weeks ago to put the ring on. Today I took it off….while I had the ring on I have had some health scares, the heat spot in my leg no one can figure out, my heart rate rising for no reason that the doctors are checking into…and worst of all the love of my live broke up with me….today I decided I needed to take a chance I took the ring off. I believe in signs…I believe in luck…I believe those we have lost are around us…and even though I know they can’t direct our lives completely I think they help direct things. When I was younger after my mother died I was still angry and bitter and I believed that everything bad that happened to me was because of her…that she was causing it. Things got better in life after my friend/angel Linda passed and I believed she was helping me in my life. So here I am…my many many angels looking over me, my Grandmother, Linda, my dad…and yes my mom…but I need to take off the ring and see if something good instead of bad happens. I keep thinking these health scares that they find nothing causing it or that the problem is all of a sudden gone a way for my body telling me…keep having them look there is something big there. I had an ultra sound with a huge cyst and a pollup…went to another doctor a new ultrasound and both are gone….all of a sudden there is a heat spot in my leg and they do an ultra sound and an MRI and nothing…and each time I told myself it was getting better cancel the test or the doctor it gets worse like telling me…no you need to get this checked out. Then I go to the doctor to find out there was nothing on the MRI only to have my heart rate rise…for no reason …so now I am going to get a 24 hour heart monitor…and I know they will find nothing. Is this my body telling me something or is this my fear of being my mother. Either way...this all started once I had put that ring on…so time to take the ring off. Will it bring back the love of my life, I doubt it. Time for me to accept HE WILL NEVER BE BACK. But also time to take off the ring and see what happens.

Smell of Stale Coffee....

Stale coffee….

I sat here the other day sad over the breakup that had recently happened between me and my boyfriend. I sat here and watched TV, it was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, thinking of the past few Thanksgivings. All of a sudden I smell stale coffee….wow stale coffee…

So let me back up, remember Mrs. L who I wrote of long ago, but I don’t know if I wrote of her death and if I didn’t I will have to go back later and write of it…anyway Mrs. L passed away Oct 9, 2011. I miss her laugh and her words of wisdom. I digress, anyway Mrs. L was known by everyone for her coffee..she drank it all day long from the minute she woke to the minute she went to sleep. She would start a cup and then leave it someplace and make a new cup. I would joke with her and tell her when I was a kid and wanted to find her I would just follow the trail of half fill coffee cups.

So here I sit the Saturday after Thanksgiving crying a little over my lost love and I smell stale coffee…I text my friend and tell her, she responds  “your parents” no I told her it has to be Gwen. She asked if I talked to her…yes I did…

I spoke to Gwen for a few minutes, told her thanks for the hug (I thought of this as a hug from her), asked her what she was trying to tell me, was she telling me everything will be ok no matter what, was she telling me to move on he is never coming back, was she telling me be patient he will be back. I know she was there trying to tell me something about him, not about my health problem I had been having lately, only because I had just been wondering about what was happening with my boyfriend who had just broken my heart. So I had a few minutes with Gwen…got a hug from her and felt better for the rest of the day. Now I wait for a sign, a sign of what will happen, and I wait for a hug from my dad…..

Then Monday after work I find a penny on the ground…I believe it was a penny from heaven, who was it from?? Mom, dad, Linda or Gwen…all of them.

I am sure Gwen if thrilled that I wrote about this, she loved my blogging and she would love that I wrote about her since I hadn't written in a while.

Seven years of bad luck....

After my mom passed away my dad would say many times "Who broke the mirror for our 7 years of bad luck"...it was his way of dealing with the fact that we were both relieved that mom had passed and no more illness. Of those 7 years 4 of them were my high school years. During that time no one was allowed over to my house and if we had to go to my house for me to get something I would have them wait outside and run in. There have been people from my past....friends...who have tried to say they knew what I was going through because they we such good friends or that they were there through it all....NO ONE knew what I went through not even my dad, my dad would say quite often, he could never imagine how I felt during that time just like I couldn't imagine how he felt, which was very very true.

My dad had a rule in our house, you were to be involved in something during HS or you got a job, my brothers played sports and I was in band/flags. However I think at some point dad made sure I was involved in my band/flag because he knew it was part of my escape from home ....my hell?? the other escape was my babysitting. I didn't realize till the last few years that there were many parties and such that I wasn't invited to during high school, not sure why and I don't know that it makes any difference in who I would have been or even if I would have gone if I was invited. I know that not everyone could be best friends in high school, there were nice people and mean people and I hope I was one of the nice people. I know that there were people who were mean and they know it and there were people who were mean and had no clue. Anyway I think I was so involved in my life at home that I knew people had been mean to me but never wanted to worry about it or stress too much about it, sometimes I did and sometimes I just forgot about it.

So seven years.....seven years of my youth, spent going to hospitals, spent keeping secrets, escaping the hell, and growing up way too fast. Recently I got up the nerve to read my dad's letters, dad would write a weekly letter to friends and family to let the know what was going on with the "California McGaws". It was a reality check for me, to see these words in writing from my dad. Dad speaking of moms suicide attempt by mom and his point of view. Reading dad's words and how he loved her but at the same time wished it was all over...I knew that there were times dr's didn't expect mom to last long, however I didn't know close it was many times. Apparently there were a few times that mom never should have made it through the night. Dad had a rule no one except family could visit mom, PERIOD!! This was because mom had problems making the mind and the mouth work together after one one of her episodes of being in a coma. He wrote about this in his letter how it would upset mom if anyone came to see her and how long it would take the nurses, him or even me to calm her down. My mom had many stints in the hospital, some of then she would be awake but not aware of her surroundings and during these times the dr would call it an awake coma. I can remember talking my mom into eating jello, she hated jello, but I could convince her of this when she was in this state....the nurses loved it when I would come visit and do this. I also remember an incident my dad wrote of, where mom was convinced that me and Carol were locked in a closet, so he took me down the hospital after dinner when the nurse called to say she was upset because the Amy and Carol were locked in the closet, she kept calling me by my brothers name and thought I was him so as being my brother I had to convince her were weren't in the closet. She also spent many of my birthdays in the hospital. Now there were a very few selected number of people who know the secrets withing our house....one being the neighbor Mike who I spoke of in another post, who has since become my boyfriend (that's a whole different story). But there were those that knew she was in and out of the hospital but didn't know the extent or why.

Till the day dad passed he loved my mom and missed her. He would always wonder what would have happened if she hadn't gotten sick. So I get comfort in knowing they are in heaven together. It has been over 29 years since my mom passed away and it still make me cry to think of all that happened during those years.

Five months ago today...

Five month ago….

Five months ago today my life changed.

Five months ago was March 27, 2011

Five months ago today seems like yesterday but also at the same time feelings like a lifetime ago….

Five months ago today I made the phone call to say please take dad off the machine…and NO we do not want any other options we do not want to put him on a trech, and I wanted to yell stop making me feel guilty….


Five months ago today I was supposed to be at a birthday party instead of spending the day on the phone with nurses, hospice, family and lastly with dad saying goodbye….


I don’t cry as much or as easily and I don’t know if it’s the Prozac or the numbness or the amount of time….

I am amazed at the people that think the minute the first month after someone passes is done you should be over it…really you never get over it. My mother passed over 27 years ago and I am not over it.

Five months ago today I became an orphan….wow…an orphan at 46.

Yes he was 86…lived a long life, but I only got 46 years of it with him. Dad was 40ish when I was born (duh)…and my parents were an average of 10-20 years older then most of my friend’s parents. 

I have things in my house now that were my dads that I had joked with him over the years when he passed I would get….at first when I started moving these things in I thought they would upset me, but they make me feel better for the most part.


It has taken me five months, five months to not feel as guilty for not being next to dad instead of on the phone with him. I have to appreciate that I got that last weekend with him, that I got to see him and talk to him as he passed…I am getting there…slowly

I spent today doing nothing….just sitting around and feeling numb…

Five months ago today my life changed…

Scared, embarassed, hurt...

I sit here at 4 am not being able to sleep….I have spent the week being hurt, embarrassed and making a fool of myself. Now I am numb. I don’t know if I made a fool of myself because I am not completely myself but feel stupid. Right now I am over it all…all of it. I just want to give up. On top of all this my “weight loss” process is back, where I am not hungry and if I force myself to eat usually only eat a little before I start feeling sick, or if I am actually able to eat something it goes right through me. This is a good thing bad thing, I need to lose my last 20ish lbs, but hate the way it happens.

I am numb because, yeah my dad is gone. I sit here and read two drafts I have in my email to my brother…the brother that is talking to me. I cry. I get up the nerve and send the one. Will it make him made because I am expressing my feeling as my therapist has suggested or will it make him realize how I am feeling in all this? It is an email telling him I am afraid and hurt. I am afraid that they will take care of dad’s ashes and not tell me till after and afraid that the one brother is going to ask him to choice, him or me. Hurt because at the campfire I only got the bad stories…the he didn’t love us good enough comments, and they shared all the good stories with their friends when they got home, I am hurt because I asked him to send me some of these stories and after a month hasn’t had the time to send even one…

I have given up on ever talking to my brother ever again. I feel like giving up on a lot of things and I know a lot of this is my morning…not only am I morning my dad I am morning my brother. Many can’t understand why I am so hurt about my brother’s actions, even though we aren’t physically close or close in age we have always been a close family. I get things like “why let it bother you”, because my brothers are all I have. I have already lost one sibling and to lose another.

I sit here, I stare at an email from my uncle…how to respond, and I have been trying to respond since Tuesday. I wonder if he thinks he upset some or me because I always try to respond that day. I just am tired of feeling like everything I say to everyone is wrong, that my written word comes across wrong and is interpreted wrong. I was embarrassed, embarrassed and hurt, I had sent both my brothers and my uncle the link to my dad’s obit, the one brother replied, my uncle replied and nothing from the other brother. He didn’t even reply to my uncle’s comment about how my dad would have loved the US Open. My uncle knows my brother isn’t talking to me, I thanked him for the effort, but I was hurt and embarrassed. He won’t reply to anything sent from me.

I finished the email, said my point and gave him the respect he deserves. I realized I was doing in previous emails the one thing I didn’t like people to do, disrespect my brothers, and I was telling him the stuff about his sister/my mom that he shouldn’t have to hear. So I apologized and said I would try not to do it again. I then explained what happened between my brother and me because he did not understand.

I sit here looking at the boxes, the boxes I need to go through, I have to go through them before the kids head down to get the rest of the stuff at dad. So I decide to unpack the one box of casserole dishes I brought back that sat in the kitchen. Dishes are unpacked and washed.

As I move boxes around I find the button I made for my dad at a band competition, “I am proud to be a flag dad”….and my graduation tassel, I thought I had it but it was in a box of his, it might have gotten mixed in there just as I was moving stuff….found a small cassette, I decide to put it in the cassette player. OMG it my dad talking; talking about his military time. I listen to it on and off all day.

So here I sit, nine at night, haven written this on and off all day, moved a few things, listened to the sound of my dad’s voice, and unpacked one box…one box. The goal is one box a weekend. Maybe I will be daring and do one tomorrow, or just put them in better boxes so they will stack, one box down, five to go.

Life and Death

Life and Death

As I sit here mid April 2011, listening to sad songs and crying, I think back to the whorl wind of the last couple months. It is a blur at the same time it is like it all moved in slow motion and I can remember every moment, at least every moment concerning my dad. It started the end of January, my dad had been telling me he had the flu that was going around, couldn’t keep anything in him. He had called 911 one day and they came, told him he had the flu get lots of fluids and rest, in the ER they would just tell him the same thing and send him home.

Then one day the Saturday before superbowl Sunday, I called him because he hadn’t called me. He said he needed to go to the other phone, when he called me back he said he had fallen, I asked if he was hurt he said he didn’t think so, I said any blood he said no, I said hang up and call 911. I waited a while and called the hospital and asked for the ER, talked to a nurse that said they were still checking him out and would call me back. I didn’t hear back so I called again, she said they had transferred him to another area because they were admitting him because they thought he had a heart attack (I knew this was not the case, but a reason to admit him). I decided not to call again it was late by this time after 10 and I was happy he was in a safe place and I could go to sleep. My brother Patrick was out of the country and knew he would not get emails or anything so wrote an email to just my brother Robert The next morning I called and asked for the nurses station but they transferred me to him instead, he couldn’t hear me, he kept yelling, is this Bob is this Amy…they think I had a heart attack. So I hung up and called back and asked for the nurse station again. She had to go ask him if she could talk to me. So he knew it was me…I was checking up on him. She said his enzymes were raised but she agreed with me she didn’t think he had a heart attack, just the stress of it all. She said his blood count was low and they were going to check him for bleeding, they were going to schedule an upper GI. At this point the exact days are a little confusing, but I think it was Wednesday morning at 3 am when I got a call asking me how they could get a hold of the POA, I said the first POA is my brother, Patrick I am the second I can give permission for anything needed. They needed to give him blood, I said of course and asked why he couldn’t give permission, well they weren’t sure why he was this way, the blood loss or the ambian they had given him but he was in England at the moment. I called the hospital twice a day, morning and evening, sometimes got the same nurse who knew she could talk to me and sometimes a new one who would go ask him first, but no matter what I always told them to let him know I called. I was able to talk to him once where he could hear me. They did the upper GI and it was a bleeding ulcer, and they decided to treat with meds. They said they were going to send him to rehab once his blood count came up and things looked better. I had told them please let me know, well all of a sudden I call and they are saying it is that day…thought there was a few more days, never heard from discharge nurse/social worker, but I was given the number and name of the nurse at the rehab that would be accepting him. During all of this I was in constant contact with my dad’s good friend Bob. Bob was a volunteer at the church that would visit him once a week but became more then someone who just visited, he became a friend.

So they moved him to rehab, I understand it was a nice place, I was able to talk to dad there easier, he could hear me on the phone, but like usual I called daily (now just once a day) to check on him. Then of course out of no where….he is going home. I was worried, however I knew he had Bob and his neighbor had said he would give him rides to dr’s. I also found out that they had an nurses aid 3 times a week and a meds nurse once a week visiting. The other plus is now I could talk to him…..

Sitting here writing this, I want to call him, hear his voice and ask him questions so I get it all correct.

Ok so back to the story….he was home for about a week and a half maybe two weeks, in that that time he saw his regular dr and the dr that did the upper gi…one of the dr’s said he might have pre-cancer in his throat (when he fist told me he said cancer). Now by this time it was March, and he was upset, very upset that he was going to be sick for my birthday, that is all he kept telling me and his friend Bob. He kept telling me he was sorry. I said don’t worry about it. By this time ….was back in the country and we talked via phone and email I believe. I updated him on everything with dad he said he can take over anything I need but at this point he believes that one person staying in contact with dr’s and what have you was best not to put pressure on me but he was there. We also discussed looking into a place for dad to move to. I suggested the new VA assisted living place and started researching it. The big thing was he had to be a CA resident, but the lady there said he just needs a utility bill with his name. So I got the paper work and I told the boys I would do the dirty work, I was going to throw down the guilt card, you don’t want me to worry about you, you will agree to this you have no choice dad. I went over my speech again and again.

A few nights later (and at this point not sure what day but I think it was the 12th for some reason I think it was a Saturday), got a call from Bob, dad had fallen again and was being admitted into the hospital again.

This time I was told they would not discharge him unless he had full time care, I told them we were making a plan. Well they discovered he was still bleeding, and talked of surgery, the report I got from one nurse was the he would not do the surgery unless one of his kids was there, the dr said he told him he would not do it unless Amy was there. So the dr and I talked about the surgery. He had explained the two options to dad, laporscopicly (which with dad’s hearing it was orthoscopicly) or by opening him up and that would be the last resort and much harder recovery. So no one was sure when they were going to do it, but they said the end of the week. I did everything I had to at work, worked my butt off. Thursday morning I got on an airplane to AZ. I estimated I would be at his side by around 2, I had let Bob know and he told dad. I got the shuttle to dad’s and then “stole” his car (which I later found out was not registered or insured because both had expired only days earlier).

Now let me go back sort of or a side note…remember me saying dad was upset about it being my birthday, well this was the 17the of March at this point, and my birthday is the 20th.

Ok back to AZ…I have his car and this hospital is easy to get to, two streets to turn onto. Well I go in the main entrance and they say the east entrance, so I go outside and get the golf cart shuttle (they hold about 6 people) to the east entrance. I go upstairs and find his room I walk in and I presume it is Bob and his wife standing there, we introduce. well we know each other and say hello and hug each other, Bob tells me they had gotten there just about 10 minutes earlier and woke dad and his response was “oh not who I expected”, I was about 30 minutes later then I expected. But he really didn’t notice, he was just happy to see me. Well the nurse had come back with the paperwork for him to sign. He and I sat for a moment and talked, he said to me “I figure things are going to change” I said “we have already discussed this, and I think we know where we want to get you into, the VA in ventura but you have to have proof of residency”, he said he still had paperwork from CA…wow that was easy.

So I told him I was staying at a hotel and wanted to go check in, it was down Bell and I had his car, he expected as much. He asked why I wasn’t staying at his place I said I needed wireless internet, he warned me to be careful of the speed on Bell road…so I said I would be back, needed to check into hotel and eat. Well it was spring training time and all the close hotels were booked or VERY expensive so this was quite a ways down, about 30 minutes. Went down was told room would be ready in about 10 minutes so I drove down the road to get something to eat…well it was a long 10 minutes more like 40 minutes. So I go back to the hospital and just sit there relaxing for a while. As we talked he kept asking me if I knew what to do if something happened to dad. I would say yes and he asked again. I finally said I know I get a new TV (I knew what he meant but had to make us both smile) Talked to him when he woke and about 6 decided I needed to head back to the hotel and relax for the night and told him I would be there in the morning.

Went back to the hotel, got a soda and the code for the wireless and got on fb and sent update email to the boys. So tired, but not the best hotel, and not the quietest either. I hardly slept all noise.

Got up showered and got dressed, drove through a fast food to get something to eat and went to the hospital, no idea still what time the surgery will be. So I sat there, waiting. I made a quick trip over to his house to look around and just take a minute. Went back and was told about noon. So I waited and he slept. I had my knitting with me, wasn’t really getting anything done…but its ok. The nurse comes in and gives him a pint of blood, now the last stay in the hospital he had 7 …this time I think he had only had 3 so far. So transport comes in and they have to be careful because they have to make sure the IV’s are in order…..this kid was nice and was good at what he did making people comfortable, I followed. They took us to pre-op, I figured we would be there alone for every, but it was only a few minutes before someone appeared, a nurse, who took me aside to tell me they were going to open him up, that’s why the blood his blood count had dropped and they needed to open him up but the dr would come in and explain it all to me and dad, but she didn’t want me to be startled by the news. This was a small room, now there is a nurse, another person prepping him and the anesthesiologist. The one person is trying to put in an IV and she is not doing good…dad has been poked and prodded a lot…he looks at her and says…you aren’t a good poke…I say you have been poked so much you would think you were on FB…everyone but dad got that one. The anesthesiologist kept trying to figure out who dad looked like..I said Cornel Sanders when he has his goatee…he said no Mark Twain…yeah with no goatee and the weight loss…so he was going to tell everyone he worked on Mark Twain. So the Dr came in to tell dad..with his A team …he had interns that followed him around and dad called them the A team. He explained to dad that they were going to open him up and why. I think back now and even though he said it was fine and he understood I could see his face now he was scared. The anestieialogist and I talked about his history with this and how he had problems coming out of it, I told the story of his by-pass. The dr told us from recovery instead of a room he would go to ICU because they anticipate him having some breathing problems.

So I said goodbye told him I loved him…now I had just looked at his name on the screen there and said something about middle names, asked what his son’s middle name was, figured he knew I was talking about the son that shared his name…but he went on about Robert and on, the last person he talked to me about was Robert I did hear his voice again but it wasn’t him, I will explain more later. So as I left and they walked me to the waiting room area I can hear him talking to the people there about Robert and it made me smile a little. I just remember I kept thinking this is it, he isn’t going to make it through this. I check in at the desk and decided I would go get something to eat. Got the shuttle to the east end, cried as I got in the car a little and drove to fast food to get something small. Went by his place and then back to the hospital to sit in the waiting room and watch the screen. Dad’s minister had come by while I was gone and then showed up while I was sitting there. He didn’t even know dad was there, communication problem he figures he found out the assistant minister had not told him. So I knitted and sat there. Then I decided I couldn’t sit there I had to move and just as I was about to get up and walk the stairs here come the A team…dr says he did good and will be in recovery for a while and then in ICU and I can see him then. Just as the dr leave the anestiaslogist comes around the corner, now I have never had that, but he wanted to let me know dad did good. They said it would be a while before he was in ICU and I could go get something to eat. Well I called Bob to let him know, he said come over have a glass of wine and maybe join them for pizza. I did, it was nice to sit and talk to him and his wife who had spent a lot of time getting to know dad. He joked that he knew more then I did about me…well after Pizza I went back to the hospital and they were just moving him to ICU told me where to go and I headed there, I went into the waiting room and I just couldn’t sit there, I thought I need to check in, well from where I stood I could see dad’s room and them trying to settle him in…a male nurse askes me who I am there for and I say Jack McGaw…now I am a little tired and he says McGaw, well I think he mispRobertounces it and I correct him and he said something back to me like he thought that is what he said…anyway he asks me if I can help settle him down because he is real restless….well this is what happens to dad when he comes out of it. So I go in there tell him to settle down it will be ok..he is restrained because he keeps trying to take the drainage tube out of his nose…now these words I hear that night are the last words he speaks to me. He keeps saying…damit people don’t you understand what I am saying…and quit telling me that (when I tell him to settle down). Now the damit comment, never heard him say before. So anyway, I head to the hotel for the night, get a soda, take a bath (OMG a bubble bath..), log onto my computer and relax. Now remember what time my phone rang about the blood…well 3 am my phone rings, it’s the nurse they need to put him on a ventilator temporally and was told it was only temp. So I said of course and tried to go back to sleep. Got up the next morning, Saturday morning, decided I would get donuts for myself and the staff….got there to see him semi sedated and still restrained, he keeps trying to pull the vent and tubes out. So I spent the day sitting there next to his bed on the computer chatting with people on FB…trying to keep myself busy, and playing the up and down game with dad. He would wake up make some noise I would get up and check on him…the nurse would come in check everything, clean out his mouth, reposition him, he would scoot back down where he was…I would tell him the vent was temp and that everything will be fine and sit back down. The alarms on his machines would go off, she would check it and say it was the way his arm was positioned. I took a small break to get lunch from the cafeteria…but that was my day till about 7 then headed back to the hotel, told him I would be back the next day. Now the dammit comment…as I came back from the cafeteria there was someone in his room I didn’t recognize from behind…well it was the surgeon. I told him how dad was when he was coming out of anesthesia and the comment about damit people, he looked a little afraid, (he only had one intern, who was holding in laughter) he said oh no…I say that in the operating room all the time…ooopps…I thought it was funny.

So Sunday morning yes my birthday, as I am in the shower I go into a panic, thinking OMG they can’t tell him it’s the 20th of March, so I call the nurse the minute I get out of the shower, I tell her no matter what do NOT tell him it is the 20th of march those tears will become tears of sadness instead of pain. She said this is a significant date in his life…I said yes and did NOT elaborate. Well right after I finished getting dressed my phone rang is was Robert wow he has never called me on my bday that I can remember, so me and my brother talked he said he was calling to say happy birthday and see how things were going. We talked about what had happened about the car, that when we move dad I will take the car, how the house looks and just how dad was doing. It made me so happy, it made me believe he really cared about dad.

So back to his bedside after driving through a fast food place for food. Checked out of the hotel and took my luggage to his house and then to the hospital. Set up my computer at the table…and a new nurse. This nurse changed the thing on his arm so it doesn’t go off every few minutes. We talked on and off….one time she and I are standing at the end of his bed and she asks what is the 20th, I mouth my birthday…she mouths happy birthday, I say thanks and explain that he was upset at the thought of being sick on that day and this would just upset him. The game continues…he rustles I get up tell him its ok and sit down. I would always ask if any pain and sometimes he would do nothing other times he would nod no. Well one time I went over and asked if in an pain, he nodded yes…so I told him dad I am going to go down a list and I want clear answers….does you legs hurt, he shakes his head no….does your back hurt, he shakes his head no…does your stomach hurt…he shakes his head no…. does your head hurt, he shakes his head no…are you just being ornery, he gave a clear big yes nodd…I laughed and told him I loved him and I was going to sit down and he needs to rest.

Well I knew I needed to leave at 3 to catch my shuttle coming to my dad’s house. So a few minutes before I pack up my stuff…walk over to the side of his bed and wake him, I wake him enough so that I am sure he is aware of what I am saying and looking at me. I tell him, dad I have to go, I have to go catch my plane and go home to Jennifer. He looks at me a tear rolls down his check, I say dad’s its going to be ok, the tube will be out soon and you will be fine, I love you dad but I have to go. He looks at me and mouths “don’t go”…I say dad please don’t do that to me, I have to go, that isn’t fair dad don’t do that to me, I love you and I have to go, I kiss him on his forehead and I leave…I go straight to the nurse sitting outside his room and I tell her he is going to need her and going to need some sedation or something he is going to be upset, I tell her I am leaving and I told him, she turns around and he is rustling more then ever, she said you go I will take care of him, he will be fine, I walk real fast as the tears start. I just kept saying don’t do this to me dad….Well I get back to his house, and get ready for the shuttle.

Now I am not going to go into my adventures of trying to get home. But lets just say it was an adventure.

So this is Sunday the 20th, and I remember sitting there in the shuttle on the drive home, watching his clock hit 12:01 and saying yes…my birthday is over, my dad is still alive all is well. I really thought that as soon as I got on that plane he was going to leave us.

So back to the routine…calling in the morning, yes he is the same a resting call in the evening same thing, except Monday night they tell me they have removed the vent around I think 4. Next morning, he is doing fine. Then my phone goes dead around 3 Tuesday, I plug it in but missed a call from the nurses…an urgent call that my phone doesn’t tell me about until about 4…I listen to the message that says to call them right away. OMG no…I am sitting in my car crying by myself because I had just gotten in a big nock down drag out with my daughter and had to just walk out of the house. I call them; they say they have to put him back on the vent again, but again just temporary. So I go home and send messages to my brothers, Now my brother Patrick is out of town he had decided to go to Florida for spring training. He says he will call me when he gets home Thursday but to keep him posted. He has Internet on and off. I am keeping them both updates all the time. Wednesday the usual…call in the morning, the same call in the evening and the male nurse tells me that dad doesn’t look scared anymore, he says he looks angry. He also said they have unrestrained him but they are keeping him more sedated and taken his hearing aid out because it was buzzing. I told him to put a battery in it (there are only three packs there) and put it back in him. He said dad isn’t responding much to him. So Thursday afternoon/morning I get a call from the nurse telling me that a dr wants to talk to me because they want to do a tracheotomy. OMG, yes yes of course do anything you can. Then I get home and I get a call from dad’s friend Bob, he wants me to talk to his wife, the nurse had told him what we were doing. She asked me if I understood what it means, yeah I think I do she explained the care it would take and other things if he would ever get off it. She also said and you are aware of your dad’s wishes. OMG yes I am no machines. Man do I need my brothers. Well I had sent them emails about the treach, and even texts…I am sitting there and my phone wrings and it is Patrick perfect timing.

So we talked. I told him they weren’t going to do the procedure till Friday afternoon sometime, he had questions and I am sure the dr told me some of this but I don’t remember and I wrote down what I could, I mean I was at work and went out side to take the call and it even dropped the call. So I called first thing in the morning and talked to the dr, asked the questions and called Patrick back. We talked and decided NO even though it is the question of is this necessary or is this machines we decided no, also a question of quality of life. I called the nurse back and told him no. I also told him you want dad to respond (no response at all, won’t cooperate, won’t do anything for him) you tell him his kids are taking care of his wishes they just need to make sure there are some things in place first…he told dad, and dad responded…he nodded…I told the nurse not only are we not doing the treach we are going to take him off the vent all together soon we just need to talk and figure things out. Now I told them I think three times that we are going to unhook him, when I called to say no, when they called back at 11 to double check (I had….on my office phone and the nurse on my cell phone and my brother heard me) So that night I call to check on him, and the nurse said dad responded to what I told him to tell dad. I tell him again we are going to undo the vent he says you have a pressure mask if you want…OMG no not another option. So Saturday afternoon I talk to Patrick again tell him that and he says I think we just need to do it. Now neither of us made these decisions lightly, we googled we talked to each other, Patrick asked me what I wanted to do, I said crawl into a corner, he said no decision is still a decision. So Saturday he said why are we waiting till Monday…I said I don’t know but not tonight, I don’t want that 3 am call…how about in the morning after my daughter goes to work. Agreed.

Now I was supposed to go to a birthday party this day and texted them to say I couldn’t and what was happening, this was with my second family….they were so worried about me all day they were texting and checking on me all day.

So 10 am Sunday March 27th I call, it is one of the regular nurses he has had. I tell her we want to unhook the vent. She tells me what we need to do now….crap….ok first she has to get a doctor to sign orders (makes sense), and she needs all the dr’s on the case to sign off…really…and we need to set up hospice…OMG why didn’t they tell me this before, I would have done that yesterday. So she will have his social worker on his case call me in a few minutes. So she calls and tells me of two that are real close, across the street, I pick one, and she said they would call me. I am thinking OMG this is going to take them days to call me. I call Patrick and let him know he says the same thing, why couldn’t they have told me before. So they call me in about an hr, and I try to conference in Patrick it took maybe 10 minutes but all were patient with me. We ask questions he answers. Pretty much what it is they have to email me paper work (after the admin person calls me, hope that isn’t long), they will send it to hospital, after they received it they will unhook dad and once he is stable for an hr they will transfer him. This is because one they don’t know how long he will last, and two they can do pain management better then hospital. After we hang up Patrick calls me back I told him I took notes he said he did the same thing, and we are both fine with all of it. So the admin lady calls me, by this time I am getting geddy, and I just talk and talk to her I don’t remember exactly about what, but she said that is what I am here for. She emails me the paperwork I print it sign it and scan it to email back. I called dad’s nurse back and told her where we are at, she said it still might be a while because they have to wait until hospice says they have a bed and everything ok. I told her I want to talk to him before or after they take it out. She told me that she wants me to talk to him after, she wants me to talk him through it, through passing on, and she believed he would not last the hr for hospice. So I waited for the phone call. Prepared myself, went over what I was going to say….hoping I would not break down.

I think it was 4:30 when she called me, she said she had removed the vent and was going to transfer me to his room, she picked up his phone and I yelled left ear the left ear, I heard her say to me the left ear.

She put the phone next to his ear, I said hi dad, I love you. We had them take out the vent and you off the machines; we are doing as you wished. It is ok dad, it is ok now, you can go be with mom and Grammy, and your brothers are waiting for you. I tell him its ok, I will be ok not to worry about me, the boys will take care of me, I will be fine. It is ok …I kept saying this over and over again. I sang amazing grace to him, then I told him I was sorry that I only knew the first verse (it bugged him when people only knew the first one), the I wanted to sing louder so I decided I would go sit in the car. I went and sat in the car, for just over 45 minutes, I would tell him I loved him, that it was ok to go be with mom and Grammy and they were waiting for him with his brothers. I would sing amazing grace as loud as I could. I would just keep repeating the same things again and again. I could hear him breathing, struggling, short shallow wet breaths, I could hear the nurse come suction him out. I only started to cry once, pulled myself together and continued. After about 45 minutes I heard nothing, no breathing nothing…I sat there for what seemed like for EVER, I think it was maybe a minutes. I hung up and called back to the nurses station and told them I need Lisa this is Amy, she will know. She picked up the phone and said he still has a heartbeat it will only be a few more minutes and she will call me back. I think it was about 15- 20 minutes later about 5:55 she called me and said he passed at 5:45. I told her thank you and she asked where he should go I said Science care she said she would call them. I hung up and dialed Patrick I told him he was gone, he said wow that was fast, I said yes for it being such a long day it was fast. I asked him if he wanted to call Robert or if I should he said it didn’t matter he was eating dinner, I said you eat I will call him. I called him and I could tell he was upset, of course. He was surprised it was so fast, I think he thought he would have time to go se dad. So there we are, the three kids fatherless Sunday March 27th at 5:45 pst. I sat there, I don’t think I cried yet, can’t really remember.

I sent a text to my friends at the party to let them know and within seconds I got a text from someone else at the party saying how are you. I told them and they hadn’t even gotten the msg from the person I texted.

Yes this is not the end of my story….but this is the end of this part of my story. The adventures to follow will be another post.

Childhood friends….

I have many friends from my childhood, I have many I had lost contact with and I have been very lucky that due to Facebook I have been able to reconnect with many of these friends. I have one friend when we were younger I would write her several letters and she would be busy and not write back, so I would be funny and write saying I guess the friendship is over and I would get a letter back saying yeah I know I am bad….it was a running joke with us. To this day we still do it a little, email or texts she doesn’t answer and I will make some comment.

Then there are the friends that have been like family. Some I lost contact with and others we wrote at Christmas and went to wedding and showers but didn’t hang out. Now we are doing more things because we are on FB and can easily contact via FB or text. Then there are the ones that I lost contact with because I was embarrassed I think. Embarrassed due to the situations with my mom and my sister. Even embarrassed by my ex husband. I didn’t want to have to answer the question about my mom or my sister. I sort of just drifted away from these people. Having grown up and moved on with my life I have reconnected again with these people and yes we have talked about my mom and my sister and it has been fine.

Then there is my buddy, my big brother, ok my little girl school crush, Mike. He with his family….two brothers, lived by me, Mike was two years older, his brother Sam was my age and their little brother Brian was much younger, I think about 6 years younger. Not only were we neighbors but our fathers had the same first name and they worked for the same company. He had older siblings that each of his parents had brought to the marriage but they were hardly there and I really didn’t know them. Mike…well Mike was my buddy…they moved out of state after Mike finished 9th grade. Then a year later they moved back to California but to Camarillo. Over the years I had only seen Mike one other time, at his brother Sam’s wedding, otherwise I lost touch with them. I know for years my father and his parents exchanged Christmas cards but that stopped after a while. I have tried to find him or his brothers over the years. I have googled them, I have gone onto the high school websites looking for them, and I have looked on FB to no avail.

Well last week I decided to look on FB again and low and behold Mike was there, so was Sam and their mother. Well I put in an add request for all of them. I was so excited. Now, you know what friends you can tease and what friends you can’t. I got on line the next day and he hadn’t added me…what he had been on line…so I sent him a quick email…giving him a hard time, teasing him. He added me right away. We were talking on pictures and posts and …I had to open a chat. I think that was Friday night and I think we chatted for about an hr but it seemed like much longer. Saturday we chatted for I think almost 2 maybe 3 hrs and Sunday about an hr. We had lost of catching up and lots of reminiscing to do. We talked about my sister, we talked just a little about my mom but not a lot, we mostly talked about what we have been doing and what we remember. Man if his GI Joe and my Barbie could talk about all the fun we had together (get your minds out of the gutter…). We talked and talked. The trips to the corner store for snacks, the company picnics, the neighbors we remember, the trouble he and his brothers would get into, and the good they did…when Mike organized the whole neighborhood to clean up the house across the street where a man had hung himself and the house was for sale but no one took care of it.

He told me he told a co-worker he reconnected with a friend that he had known since 4th grade and the co-worker didn’t believe him. I told him that I had a crush on him growing up, he said he figured, he told me when he was in 6th grade he told one of his friends I was his girl friend, never knew that. This has been a blast this weekend catching up. I have had a huge grin just feeling so good about this.

Mike was always there for my sister and I. His freshman year of high school before they moved there was a huge riot at the school. I remember my sister telling the story about how she was in and area and running towards the fence but knew she would not be able to make it and out of no where she was over the fence, Mike had thrown her over the fence to safety. He was like the big brother watching out for us.

We talked about my house and things that happened there; he kept saying that I was the caretaker that Amy was the caretaker of it all. I had to tell him that my sister went around telling people that she did it all and that I sat in my room all the time. Mike’s comment….those that were truly there everyday so close…like him…knew the truth. That makes me feel so good.

Mike made the comment that he sometimes wonders what would have happened if they never moved. I knew what he meant by that and I had wondered a few times over the years. One thing I know for sure, Mike would have tried to rescue me, in some way shape or form he would have tried to rescue me from what was going on. The other thing was times when I felt like the ugly duckling that no one wanted, he would have made sure I didn’t feel that way. That’s what would have happened. I am sure Mike would have had a run in or two with my mother for things that were said or done being direct towards me, not that is would have made a difference, because it didn’t matter when my dad said anything.

Have I had other friends I have been excited about reconnecting with of course. Did I have other crushes on male friends growing up…of course. Mike however it just seemed different and special, maybe because even though he moved away it confirmed what I always knew he was always in my corner cheering me on. We will keep talking, we will keep catching up, and one of these days I will find my missing stack of pictures where I have a few of him and his brothers I can post. Eventually we will visit in person, either up here or I will drive down and meet his wonderful family, amazingly his wife says she remembers me from Sam’s wedding, wow I don’t know if I made a good or bad impression…hahaha…I do remember Mike being excited to introduce me to her.

You never know where life takes you and if you had asked me when Mike and his family moved away if I thought we would reconnect on some thing called the internet and some thing called Facebook, I would have told you, you were crazy. I mean really, Pong was high tech then.

Phobia's and Fears....

Fears and Phobia’s

So we all have them. A friend recently said to me wow all of yours you know where they come from and they all stem from your childhood.

This is so true, I have a few and I can explain them all…. Doberman pinchers, crickets/grasshoppers and stairs that have open slats (or gaps in something like gaps in a pier).

Stairs with openings between them or gaps in the pier, when I was in preschool, we had a collie Gypsy. Loved that dog. One day she came with my mom to pick me up from school as she ran up the stair to me she lost her footing and slipped through the stairs she was hurt. I don’t remember seeing Gypsy much after that, I remember seeing her limp around. After that when we came or went from school I made my mom go through the back where we climbed the hill and walked directly in with no stairs. To this day I hate stairs with gaps and piers with gaps.

Doberman pinchers, well again when I was little, I think now in kindergarten, we had the new puppy, Peggy, our Irish setter. My dad took her to obedience school, every Saturday I would go with them. I would sit on the open end of the station wagon and play and watch. Peggy was good in obedience school, until the final test when she got up and followed the instructor and failed. But anyway, there was one day when one of the instructors was out so they combined two classes, one of the dogs was a Doberman and he for some reason decided he did not like the Collie in front of him and proceeded to wrap his teeth around the rear end of the Collie. It took 6 adult men to get the Doberman off the Collie, the women were running around trying to get the kids to where they couldn’t see but I could still see, and to this day it is the ONLY dog I am afraid of.

Lastly…the crickets/grasshoppers. Well again, I was young, I think about 2nd grade heading to a friends house, which lived across Gonzales road. I was had just turned off my street onto Patricia to cross the street when something jumped on me, it was either a cricket or a grasshopper, not sure, but either way, I froze, I just stood there. I was terrified until I ran off and it was off of me. Now when I hear the sound of one I am terrified.

Anyway, these are my phobia’s and fears….I know they sound silly but they are mine.

Money makes the world go around

Money

Money…we all need it, we all want it, and some say it is the root of all evil….oh no that’s right I forgot I am the root of all evil….hahaha

Recently I was speaking with an old friend and mentioned that I needed to find a way to make more money, his comment was why do people think money will make them happy….well it isn’t that I want it to make me happy, I want it to feel secure. Let me back up here,

I grew up in a middle class home, where we never really needed for anything and never thought we didn’t have money for stuff, yet we were far from rich and far from getting everything we thought we wanted. If you asked dad for money for the movies, for jeans or anything else he gave it to you. I babysat quite often for extra money. Dad would say we don’t have money for stuff, but it wasn’t obvious stuff. We went on family vacations, nothing extravagant; we decorated the house, made upgrades and always had running cars. I always knew there were some money problems, but nothing to where we were always robbing Peter to pay Paul.

Then I moved out on my own, well sort of, moved in with my boyfriend, it was fine, I never worried I made enough to live, I made a decent living and always made sure I had enough to pay rent, utilities and food before having fun. Then I got engaged, well dad didn’t have a lot of money so I sold Tupperware to save for the wedding, even took out a small loan for it. We will still fine, the man I married worked as a mechanic, and we did just fine. Then it all started, the changing of the jobs the losing of the jobs. Here I was the main breadwinner. Then he had to have an emergency appendectomy on Christmas day with no insurance. The county would NOT work with us so we end up filing for bankruptcy. Then we had my daughter a few years later. It seemed it slowly got worse. All the promises of making big money never seemed to happen. The credit cards, buying, behind on the rent because he lost another job and no unemployment was starting to get to me, but I handled it. During that the way I handled things was working a second job. I worked a second job a few times.

I hesitated leaving my husband because of the money, then one day I realized what does it matter, he is the money with no money, not me. But by this time I had been laid off from my high paying job and now working for the school district making about 13.00 an hr and ONLY being paid once a month. But I could do this; I could move out on my own and take my daughter. So I make a budget and figure out how much I can afford. Now by this time we are behind on bills, because he has been unemployed with no disability or unemployment for over a year. We decide that I will not walk away with his bills and I will not be forced to cover all our bills on my own so we file bankruptcy AGAIN.

So I find a small one bedroom for my daughter, and me it is very near to her school, however not the best place, but it is only 850.00 a month. But it will do, we deal with the roaches and the wonderfully classy people in the complex. Then I find a job where I make more money, Jenna has changed schools and I can afford a bigger place. Now I am making 48k a year and I can afford a two bedroom for 1200.00 a month. It is cute, I like it, we can now afford and have a place where we can have a cat, actually two cats now.

So things are going good, I am now comfortable, I am actually saving a little money, I am not stressed over things, my daughter still doesn’t get everything she wants but it isn’t the constant no we can’t afford it. I am feeling secure…..then the bottom falls out. I get laid off. Well I am not too worried and not too stressed, I do it, I can make it work, I go through my savings and just at the end I find a job. GREAT. However it is less money. Now I am making 19.00 an hr, about 200.00 less a week. I make too much money to keep my daughter on healthy families and not enough to be able to afford to put her on mine at work. Someone at work says it is only 60.00 a pay period….OMG 60.00 a pay period. At the first of the month I only have about 200.00 for groceries, gas and meds till the middle of the month, yeah lets take 60.00 out of that, and in the middle of the month an average of 650.00, which is not a lot when you add in doctor visits, clothing (and with me losing weight I have bought more then normal), school books, school fees, any other expected costs…..like flee stuff for the cats, shots for the cats, all this stuff, oh and it is almost November, my car tags over almost 150.00. Plus lets not forget that at the end of this year my student loans will come due, the cheapest so far that I have been able to find to refi them and condense them is about 150.00 a month. Oh and add the fact that I am not taking enough out in taxes, just to survive. I will pay for that in the end. Have a friend ask you if you want to go out, to a movie, to dinner and you spend 20 minutes looking to see if you have any money left, if you have any money on the credit card, because you don’t want to say you can’t afford it, they will try to pay and that makes you feel terrible. My daughter spends all her waking time trying to find a job to relieve some of the stress from mom, but she is too young, no one will hire her till she is 18, two more months.

Does my ex help….yeah once in a blue moon, I almost had to pay him spousal support when we divorced, but then I would have ended up in jail for murder…hahaha….

So here I am to the conversation I had with my friend, where I say I love my job, I love the people I work with, the members of the club are fantastic, however I need to find a way to make more money. He says why do people equate money with happiness, no I equate money with security. I now have no savings, no retirement, and no security. Here I am trying to rebuild my life, to date, I have told the guy I am seeing that money is tight and he keeps encouraging me to find a new job that pays more. He doesn’t want me to be stressed over it. I don’t have many stressors anymore, but this is one. So there it is, money won’t buy me happiness it will buy me security. I just want to be able to go to the grocery store and not have to put stuff back…. usually the stuff I want for myself because I hate telling my daughter I couldn’t afford it. It is 2 months before Christmas and I am already stressing over it.

I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing this so that people sometimes can understand where I am coming from. I am proud of how I have survived, how I made it through unemployment, a divorce, two bankruptcies, and now getting back on my feet. I decided I would try to open a business on the side to make extra money but don’t know if that will take off. I just need to find a way to feel secure when it comes to finances. I am making less money, but the same if not more amount of bills as before.

Somedays it just hits you....

Lately I have been thinking about and talking about my sister, Carol a lot. Everything from searching on Linken for her husband to talking to a friend who asked me what she was like and what happened. I have had a lot of women in my life who have been those sisters or mothers to me, but some days it just isn't the same. One minute I want to scream why was she brought into our lives, it would have been so much better without her. The next the good memories and I want to drive down to where she lives and tell her she missed out, she missed out on me getting married, having my daughter and even getting divorced, that I could have used a sister...and a mother for that matter when all these things happened. That she missed out on so much, and that she is selfish for the way she acted. She blamed me, she blamed me for all her problems. I was the reason for all her problems is what her husband told me when he called our house, when he called to say she and he wanted nothing to do with our family anymore.

The questions, was she always mentally ill? Did she act like part of your family? NO she wasn't always mentally ill, however we always knew there was something about her, the big joke was if you took a picture her smile would disappear. But yes she was part of the family, until I would say she was about 15 or 16 I would say. Then she started to pull away, and it got MUCH worse after she got married.

The big question I get is how did you been able to deal with this. I was hurt, I was hurt when he she disowned our family, but not as much as I would have expected. Maybe because by this time I had been so hurt by her and my mom that I couldn't hurt anymore. I had already been blamed by my mother for all her missery in her life, and now here I was on the phone with my brother-in-law being blamed for all of Carol's problems in her life. So whats new....Amy is blamed for everything. I joke about this now, some don't think it is funny, like my boss, I have a habit of saying to joke "what did I do now".

So how did I deal with it, who knows, I just did. I was so angry when they did that I just was too angry and worried about my life, where it was going, and my dad to even think too much about it or be hurt about it at that time. I don't think about it too much unless something hits me. What hit me today....it is real silly, a friend posted one of those "its sister week" on facebook, and it hit me. The person that posted it, her and her sisters are like sisters to me, and it made me laugh at first, laugh a LOT, then I started to cry....and it hit me, the sadness? the anger? not sure what hit me....just that how dare she had done this to all of us, to me. Was this like a death....sort of, but unexpected unlike my moms, well moms was expected for a very long time.

My sister, is she my sister, or someone that just lived in our house, she wasn't a sister by blood, but she was my sister. We took pictures together on santa's lap, even as teenagers we did it. We had slumber parties together, mostly because it was mom's idea. This was because Carols birthday was on Christmas eve and she was cheated of a real birthday, so I had to share my birthday parties several times with Carol. Do I love her? Did I lover her? Yes I loved her, but I don't know what I feel now. Indifferent is the best thing I can come up with. Carol was the person that everyone felt sorry for, the person that people always worried about. Who does she have now? I presume only her husband. Is she mentally unstable? I believe so.

So here I sit, no longer crying over the loss of Carol or the sister I no longer have. I realized tonight that I haven't cried often for Carol, mostly just felt either anger or indifference.

Therapy....

First off I had a friend tell me that a therapist once told her that the mentally healthy people are the ones getting the therapy...yeah I think so...

Well I decided to go to therapy...why...well, when I encouraged, push, coaxed, whats his face to go to therapy after a while I said well I guess if I am going to make you go I should go also, so I am . Jewish Family Services is where I found myself with a great therapist who is an intern that I love, she is great and has a great sense of humor.

She asks me if I have ever been to therapy...oh yeah...are you kidding...well not that much but enough.

My first stint in therapy was when I was a teenager...I didn't just go to a therapist, a psychologist...I went to my moms psychiatrist...yeah an MD... SHRINK....why the shrink, well because it was my mom's dr and the dr had suggested to my dad that maybe it would be good for me to go see him. Dr. Sheilds, I am sure he is long retired by now. So I agree with dad that this could be good for me.

Well I start seeing him and I like him, he gives me some good insights on my mom, and reminds me that my mom's problems are her problems and not mine, and no matter what she says I did not cause them. However, I think back and I believe the Dr. Sheilds got just as much out of our session as I did, it gave him the other side, the other side of the story. She took the pills because Amy didn't love her...OMG...I was cleaning the windows and I needed to get them done and couldn't wait on her hand and foot. So I think it was beneficial to both of us. I remember one day when I knew I had an appointment after school, I was walking home with some friends, it was early in my freshman year because I was still hanging out after school with the middle school friends that we later went our separate ways, and I think the two boys in the group walking home started making fun of me for something, the way boys do, however at this point I was real sensitive about certain subjects, and I really don't remember what it was about, however I remember it hurt, and instead of taking my time to get to the dr's office, I yelled something at them and took off...I took off running to the dr's office, I was there early and sat outside his office crying by myself for about 10 minutes. I don't know why I remember that incident but I do.

I also remember very clearly when the first bill came with a diagnosis...wow...I don't know if he just figured he needed to make sure there was something for the insurance to cover it or if he truly thought this was me....Paranoid Schizophrenic....wow...I had to look the schizophrenic up, and will always remember that meaning. My sister saw the bill and she loved it...she teased me about it for days. Later in life I figured out where he might have gotten this from, I admit I can be paranoid at time, and still am sometimes, but not to a far extreme, and it only comes up in when certain things happen that push me to be that way. Not paranoid in the sense that you walk through a store and everyone is talking about you, paranoid in the sense that you got stood up for a date and I think he is sitting home making fun of me with his friends. As far as the schizophrenic I can remember telling the dr that anytime I go to do certain things I hear my mom's voice telling me not to try, not smart enough, or my dad's voice of disappointment for not doing it right. I really didn't hear their voice, it was just my thoughts of what they would say. I don't think he really thought I was Schizophrenic, just that the insurance company needed a diagnosis to pay. This part did bug me because I have an uncle who is Schizophrenic.

I saw Dr. Shields I think for about a year or so. It was a good experience for me. Sitting in the dark room, with the dark furniture and all the books, and this older man who I respected telling me that I am ok, that I am not the cause for all my mom's problems. It was a good experience.

I went to a few sessions, nothing formal here and there with the minister at our church through high school years and I think a few times after my mom passed, but nothing unusual about these. Just making sure things were ok.

I did not see anyone for a long time, until my best friend Linda passed away. She was my neighbor and best friend for over 15 years I think. We did everything together, we sewed, shopped, walked, bbq'd....all sorts of great fun stuff. I don't think it was her death as much as it was the way things were handled by her huband Mike. He did not handle it well and some of the stuff he was doing was not allowing me to grieve properly. He immidetely hooked up with a woman from our street who Linda didn't like and many others didn't. Then he did not tell me when they placed Linda in her crypt, OMG I lived next door how hard was it, I had to find out from his girl friends daughter, that is when I decided I needed to see someone, someone to help me take the knife out of my back.

I liked this woman, she was nice, saw her for a while till I couldn't afford it anymore, I laugh because I never paid the last bill, however I loaned her a book and never got it back so I figured we were even. She helped me deal with all the crap and stuff going on next door, she me through the grieving process I was having problems dealing with.

So here I am back in therapy, why, well not sure, not sure how much I need even though it is great to have someone to talk to, thinking my friends get tired of hearing it all from me all the time. One of the reasons for therapy again is to deal with the break up of whats his name (I am sort of enjoying calling him that...hahaha), and just to deal with life. Getting back into the dating grove, dealing with my teenager; who I love to death but she is a teenager.

The therapist I have now in an intern, and I just love her, he has a great sense of humor, I think I have only ended up crying twice in her office, once this week as a matter of fact, and she knew I had been crying before I got there. She says the great thing about me is I process things real well, that by the time I have gone through it and see her I have processed through the situation and we are just talking it out.

Dating seems to be the thing we talk about the most. But we do talk about family, growing up and all the other things that life throws at you. Dating because some of these things are so new to me. Never really dated in high school, then married the first guy that I was with, and have never really dated since divorce, mostly because of school and kid.

Would I recommend therapy to everyone, actually yes, I think everyone should go at least once in their lives, it is something we should all experience. Will I keep going right now, yeah for a little while.

Reality Bites

Well tonight...tonight has been a night of reality and stress.
Had a small paper cut on my finger, hit it on a metal fastener
earlier at work today and then
all of a sudden I am trying to figure out why there is blood
all over my paperwork that i am working on....crap, the stupid
fastener ripped my paper cut open and it will not stop bleeding.
Help from my co-workers and band aids and finally stops, but now to type...
yeah that isn't going to be easy, and go figure it is the middle finger.

So day is almost done and I get a frantic call from my daughter,
her fish tank is leaking...crap....rush home, well the fish are
now in Tupperware....I knew I bought them for something...
she has most of it cleaned up and we have to now take back the
one tank she has and get a glass one....fine as long at it doesn't cost
me anything more....well it was just a little more.

Get her home, she is going to set it up, as I go over to a friends to help
her move some furniture, another call from my daughter, not enough
gravel and need the light bulbs for the tank....ok I am on my way home.

Back to the pet store, now let me say that I have this little short cut I always
take to the pet store through this one neighborhood,
it is a nice little quiet neighborhood with a park you drive past
it has this condo complex where I have had some friends live, love these condos.
So we get the gravel and the light bulbs and we leave the pet store
so I head back through my little short cut....oh crap reality hits me...this
is the condo complex that whats his face his moving to....reality hits me
I need to stop day dreaming of a romantic reunion...reality hits me....
he is never coming back...he doesn't love you...he doesn't want to be with you...
or that fact anyone...he wants to grow old alone...I know he has told me this
several times and I have tried to convince myself to accept but, but we all know
how that goes, I am a female...we can't do that easily....reality hit me...crap...

So here I am driving through this neighborhood holding back the tears
trying not to let my daughter know I am crying as I drive home...
because reality hits me....and reality bites...bites the big one....

So what else can happen, my daughter sets up the new fish tank and starts
putting the fish into it....one keep floating and another is sinking....crap
well out of four fish two are now dead....reality bites....

Fish number one is flushed....and she is watching fish number two....
well now we flush that one...she is so stressed she takes off with her
boyfriend to get some fresh air.

So I sit here with the tip of my middle finger hurting,
hoping I am all cried out...I can't do this anymore....
and thinking whats his face has the right idea
grow old alone and you don't have to worry about being hurt.

I head to bed, I am going to read, well now I really don't want to read
the book I had just started, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
Why read that one....I am going to take a cue from whats his face and
grow old alone...so I look for a new book and fine Sex, Drugs and Coco Puffs
I will read that, that sounds good....

I read for a while, then go to sleep, I wake up and go to the bath room
for some reason I decide I need to go check on the fish tank in
daughters room, she still isn't home yet....oh crap...reality bites...
Her favorite fish is now dead....I guess we will have to go shopping
for new fish tomorrow...so I text her and she texts me back she is
almost home....I hear her come into the house, and hear the sound
of the favorite fish being flushed....

My friend told me recently her theory about fish is
that god created fish to teach us about death....

REALITY BITES SOMETIMES.

whirl wind evening...

What a whirl wind evening....texting with a friend and I decide to check craigslist for some stupid reason to look at the men out there.....well one catches my eye for some weird reason, he says he is in his 40's and retired early and the woman he was with had moved away for a job and alone again now.....I never answer these things, and craigslist sort of scares me....I registered on one of those sites until I found it it cost and I am too cheap and too broke to pay...

So I reply....and figure I won't hear back for a few days, well as I am texing her and emailing at the same time, because my friend decides I should look at more on craigslist and she is emailing me all sorts of links to ad's....I look up and there is an email in my in box...not from her, not from a family member but from him the "friend" that i am no longer friends with because he was hesitant...my heart stops, I am afraid to read this, I text her OMG I just got a email from your son, I am afraid, she says read it....you will be fine....and just as I go to open it, my other email says I have a reply from the craigslist guy....

so the I read the craigslist one first, he says he is in Camarillo and would love to meet at a starbucks but wonders if we should exchange pictures first...so i reply that would be fine sometime I am in Ventura and included my picture.

The subject line is "for what its worth", I am thinking...did he send me something serious or some sort of joke he forwarded....so now I open it....he says he doesn't know if he should be writing this, he doesnt know if anything he says will make things better, but they can't make anything worse....this is true.

He apologies, he never meant to hurt me and he did things that hurt me and he is sorry, he never meant to lie, but looking back he did say things count as lies, and he is sorry....OMG he said he was sorry...he said he believed his own lies, if you believed them then how are they lies, because you have always told yourself you can't feel this way, maybe they weren't lies and he just needs to realize this. But either way he said he was sorry. He says he isn't looking for forgiveness he just wants me to know he didn't play me he believed things he said also, and now he has a lot of stuff to learn about himself....

Wow this means a lot, I do question it, is it sincere, did someone tell him to write this, I have to believe it is sincere, he is a good guy, I have known him for ever and he isn't this way, he wouldn't do that again to me....and I think the first email was his way of trying to let me know he did things he wasn't proud of, it was just the way he worded it that wasn't good.

I ask myself did he read my blog....OMG you are being stupid, he always says he does NOT look at your FB page ever and he doesn't read blogs, he never would do this just because he read your blog, and even it he read your blog maybe it just opened his eyes to how much this whole thing hurt you....accept the apology and realize he never would have done it if he didn't mean it...and just because he is telling you he lied in the past that is not him, he doesn't lie about stuff that matters, and that is how you know he really felt something, he is just lying to himself now.

I have to respond to my former friend or what ever we are now, as much as I want to make him sit and wait i am sitting here in front of my computer and want to respond....in the mean time the Camarillo craigslist guy has emailed me back his picture...his email is signed Bob...and OMG he is NOT 40's he looks more like mid 50's and he looks like my dad's old friend from 20 years ago that was an old navy male chauvinist who I just wanted to smack every time I saw him...I can't respond to this guys now, OMG he wants to meet like this minute at a starbuck, just ignore him, maybe he will realize I am not interested.

I tell him thank you, thank you as long as this is sincere and not what you just think I need to hear even though it is what I want to hear, thank you, and forgiveness, well it will happen eventually. It take a lot for me not to forgive someone...of course I never forget, I only forgive. I tell him that if he believed them they I don't believe they were all lies, that I still believe he felt something and got scared. I tell him thank you for the apology and hope that in learning about himself he can learn to love and be loved. I ask him where do we go from here, part and never be friends, avoid each other in public and private situations, that I feel right now he got what he wanted me far away from him and out of his life for ever....I need him to be honest with me...and I wonder to myself what will he say, I also wonder if he doesn't want the friendship why...is he afraid of me still feeling something or is he afraid he will feel something and not know how to handle it. So I hit send and wonder if he will reply tonight or it will be a day....

Wow another email from Bob...I replied to your email through another account maybe you didn't get it...wow...2 minutes later another email from him...where are you...did I say something wrong...OMG what....so what I didn't reply to an email instantly....I will just ignore it and maybe he will realize I am not interested. I can't deal with him now....and now this has confirmed what I had been telling my "friend" all along when we were together, I do NOT want or NEED someone who is there 24-7....and I never helped him realize that by sending him so many texts, but that is me, when I think of something I just want to tell you and I am not always looking for a response....it is just a thought...

So I look back at my other account....wow his mom has send me three guys from craigslist to look at....not sure about any of them and not feeling hesitant myself....and there is a response from my "friend"

Completely honest? he has no idea where we go from here, if I need space he will give it to me....I respond and tell him, he was the one that was hesitant about the friendship and he was the one that gave out the huge sigh when I sat next to him at the movie event (which was my first clue before the email there was a problem and that sigh hurt so much). I don't need space I need the friendship back the way it was before he went to therapy...before he decided to tell me he manipulated me and had to boost my ego....he is the one that has to hide the friendship from his family members that don't approve (which is absolutely ridiculous!), we are adults and it is our decisions not theirs but they are they ones that also helped split us up in the first place...I don't care what anyone says these family members played a role....I tell him I don't want him to say "it might be best if we are friends" that only tells me he is trying to be friends because he doens't want to make his mom mad....so it is up to him....

he replies....he wants to discuss this with his therapist this week...I think that is good, I suggest he prints and takes both emails to the therapist, the manipulation one and this one...it concerns me that he only knows what he feels because it is what his therapist tells him he is feeling, but he will eventually learn how to figure out what he is feeling....

wow...feeling much better...OMG another email from Bob...hello where are you....OMG...so this morning I write him...sorry I had to leave and didn't respond but not interested, I do not need someone that wants to move this fast....sorry...no thank you....

I go to bed feeling much better trying not to question any thing, don't go backwards only forwards, he means he is sorry, yes he felt things he just doesn't realize it....yes you still love him and that is ok you will work through that...can I be his friend and still know I love him...heck yeah....been there done that, and hopefully I never made a fool of myself and I don't think I did because when I was younger and did this, these guys NEVER had a clue...woke up feeling more like myself...before the break up, before the bc pills that made me crazy, before the emails telling me that I needed my confidence built up....woke up feeling almost productive today....

where do i go from here...who knows...feeling like I don't want to even get out there and try to date...if Bob is any indication and the way I walked away from the last one feeling...really I just might take a cue from my "friend" and grow old alone....but all of this will take time....will I still cry once in a while over him...my "friend" if that is what we will be someday...yeah...will I love again who knows...will I have that person that when they kiss me I feel the tingles all the way to my toes who know....but I sit here feeling better, one email makes me feel terrible, another just like that make me feel a little more like a person and going on....even though it seems like an over night change it really isn't but it is just me telling myself I can do this...

Lies, trust and confidence....what a terrible triangle

How do you accept lies when someone you trust and know tells you it was all a lie....oh yeah thats right he never said the word lie...he said manipulations and romantic exaggerations...whats the difference....

Well when you are talking about love or the possibility of love there is no difference when you find out he was only playing with your heart. He figured you needed a boost in your confidence, wow...now I really need a boost in my confidence, now I feel like the only way someone could even want to be with me is if they were faking to care about me....now if someone says anything about love how do I believe them.

He said he loved being with me, he loved looking in my eyes, he loved holding me, he loved talking to me, he said these things first, before I EVER showed or spoke of emotions, he was the first one to say it was becoming more then FWB, he said he loved me but not in the way I want....I was never really sure what that meant and he never could explain it and now I know why ....it was all a lie....a game....he played a game with my heart...and I trusted him, he told me he would never lie about the important stuff like feelings.

Now he says he has and had no feeling for me at any time, he never had and never will have feelings for me, that I need to accept what I thought was there, just wasn't there.

Now he is even hesitant to be my friend, so now I have also lost what I thought was one of my best friends I have ever had. He was surprised when I told him that, but I always knew no matter what he was my friend, he was one of those friends that no matter when when I called he was there. Hesitant...what does he mean by that....afraid, scared, is he afraid of what I will say, do or feel or what he might say, do or feel, I think it is me, me he is afraid of. That hurts...that hurts a lot.

Now I feel like I have been thrown under the bus as a sacrificial lamb going to slaughter. His therapist told him to tell the truth, to not worry about how other will feel.....so here I sit with the tire marks from the bus....

Am I too trusting, am I stupid, I thought I could read people really good, I guess I was wrong.

He did it to build my confidence, really I don't remember needing him to build my confidence.

Am I a bad person, because it seems that these things only happen to me. I sit here crying not because it is over, not because he is gone, not because he told me he felt nothing, never did and never has despite what i might think, I cry because now I feel worse about myself then I could have ever felt in the past. I didn't feel bad about myself before this thing, yet he thought I needed my confidence built up because he has such a huge ego that he could be the one to do this. Well now I feel like trash, like i am so far from being worthy of loving no one could ever love me.

How could a few little words do this to me, how can these words make me feel so bad. I feel worse then when my mother would tell me I wasn't as smart as my brother, or athletic as the other brother or as talented or as pretty as my sister, those hurt but not as much, they didn't hurt because I knew she said things just to hurt me. This hurt because I trusted him, because he said he didn't lie about the important stuff....but he did and he will NOT use the word lie...he has not said he was sorry....he said he meant no harm, but will NOT say he is sorry....

I tell him fine, the friendship is over, no more text no more emails and I will not come to any family functions he is at, I tell his mom I don't think I can move into the family house after he moves out....I can't.

He is clueless he is a man....his mom says something to him about me being upset, did he read the email, did he skim it and not pay attention, he had no clue....so he re-reads the email and he is anxiously asking her what he should say to me....why ...why should he even care, he never had any feeling and he doesn't want to be my friend. I tell her I don't want to hear it again, I don't want to hear the excuses or explanation, all I want is those three little words..I am sorry....and two other words...I lied....so i told her i don't want to hear from him....I want him to think first, I want him to take the email to his therapist and think about it....he got what he wanted he got rid of the crazy obsessed woman that he cared nothing about.....wow i bet he wished he had said those things earlier, he had said used romantic exaggerations, but he never said manipulated or that it was all for his ego and that he was trying to boost my confidence....

I am back 20 years now...maybe i needed a little confidence boosting but not that much, i might have gotten a few extra boost, maybe 2-3 steps forward but one email...one email and I am go backward at least 10 steps if not more. Now I am back to where i was 20 years where my mom never said she loved me before she died, where my sister said she wanted nothing to do with me because I was the cause of all her problems (even though I knew it wasn't true, still hurt) , where my father was pushing me to move out of the house because even though his girl friend didn't live there she didn't want "kids" in the house, where I married a man I didn't love because everyone said it was the right thing to do and I thought i would never find anyone to love me again. Where I dropped out of college because I thought I would never be smart enough to go on to a regular college and never be able to afford it if I could, back there again with one email.....

How could one email do this, because I trusted and thought he was my friend. I convinced him to stay my friend even though he didn't want to....how do I know this, things he said and did, I heard them and ignored them....ask him if he wants to be my friend...I think it would be best if we stay friends, translation, well I really don't want to be, too much trouble and I never really wanted to be but my mom would get mad if I say no....sit next to him at an event, the huge sigh, not the good sigh, the kind I heard from my ex and still do every time I talked to him or walked into the room, I hate that sigh.....that sigh is worse the the knife in the heart of I don't love you....then the "I am hesitant to be your friend" OMG just say you don't want to be friends, and walk away....OMG just say you lied....don't say you manipulated me or something else, you LIED...OMG just say you are sorry, not I meant no harm....but maybe you aren't sorry, how can you be sorry if you didn't care and are happy it is over with. His mom asked him if he got anything good out of the relationship, well I guess....OMG just tell her you were miserable the entire time and I wall all a lie and torture....

So he is free, and he can be happy, he doesn't have to hide the friendship from the family members that aren't happy with it, he doesn't have to pretend to be my friend for his mom...he is free...now that i was over the relationship breaking up I am going through it all over again for the friendship....why should I care he didn't

Mothers Day

Such mixed feelings on mothers day and not the same ones every mothers day
Joy, sorrow, happiness, sadness, loss, fear, confusion, anger, forgiveness,
All of these feelings mixed up in one some times and others just one or two.

The joy of being a mother and hoping i am a better mom then my mom was
to me....I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I try so hard not
to say or do the same things my mother did.

I have had mothers days there were fantastic, especially when my daughter was
little, then there were mothers days where all I wanted was my mom for some
reason. My daughter always tries to make mothers day a wonderful day for me
but I think she knows that it can also be a little painful and never sure about
what type of day I might have.

My sister would tell people that she felt like when I came along they got the daughter they always wanted even though the had adopted her, well I always felt like she was the one wanted and I was the mistake....of course being told that one she never expected to carry me to term and two that I was a conceived on a trip to the beach and not really expected didn't always help...

The extra mom's in my life, the ones that were there, the ones that thought
they were there for me, it was all good and all confusing sometimes.
Many, friends and family deserted us, when bad mom came along, the
woman that wouldn't go to the parties anymore, the woman that embarrassed
them. However we had many that were there for me and my sister.
The regular scheduled families dinner on Friday with one family at their favorite restaurant
two nights a week down at the neighbors, the other nights mostly babysitting, and the other
nights at another families house. These were the times that mom was
in the hospital, I don't know how this got started or how they all knew
but it was a regular thing how these families cirled around us.

I miss mom my sometimes, even though all the memories are not great,
I still miss her sometimes. It took MANY MANY years for me to go from
anger and hatred to forgiveness, I never stopped loving her, I just didn't
always like her. Forgiveness was a very long and hard process.
The mother that wasn't there when I got married or gave birth to
my daughter. I felt so many mixed feeling when I gave birth, such joy
and happiness, but such loneliness or not having a mom there ...mind
you my mother-in-law was there, but she was FAR from a mother to me.

I always say that there were two mothers in our family,
the wonderful, fun, nice, healthy mom
then the sick, alcoholic, mean spiteful mom.

The mom that was the troop leader of the girl scouts, the PTA mom
everyone loved and loved to be around,
the mother my brothers had all their lives while growing up....
the other mom...well I only had the good mom till I was about in 5th grade
then the other mom came along, the sick, dying miserable mom.

My dad used to joke about who broke the mirror...mom was sick for 7 years before she passed.
She did not want to move to California and leave her friends and her sons in Maryland.
I knew this but didn't know how sad and upset she was about this till recently when I
found out she would call one of her new friends here in CA on a regular basis and go on and on
about not wanting to be an CA.

Mom made me and Carol share a room when we moved to CA, so that the other room could be kept for her boys when they visit, eventually dad let Carol move into the other room and told my mom she had to deal with it.

Other things I have found out later in life is that when we lived in MD she would
have coffee every morning after the kids went to school with her best friend, however
she didn't drink coffee, she would have her soda (maybe that is where I get my soda
addiction from) and she would add alcohol to it (unannounced to her friend)

So I did have the good mom for a little bit, and I had no clue during many of those years
that she was an alcoholic, I have no idea when I really found out.....
however I do have memories of knowing she was.....remembering looking into her room
door not shut all the way, seeing her taking a bottle out of her bottom dresser drawer
and taking a swig....mouth wash, lots of mouth wash, always using the mouth wash during the day.....I am just now able to use mouth wash myself without have a bad memory of it.

Good mom....yeah I remember her, little memories, my brother giving her our dog Peggy
her being part of my girl scout troupe...being in charge of the cookie sales
but by 5th or 6th grade those memories started to fade....and the other mom was there

The mom that conned my sister and I out of money because dad had locked up all the booze
she took the money and went out to the store to buy her booze...and she wasn't supposed to
be driving anymore....the suicidal mom....several times and the only times she tried was
when I was home, either with my sister or home alone with her.
One of those times she even told the dr that she did it because Amy didn't love her....
I was a teenager who yelled at her because I was busy washing window and could not
wait on her hand and foot, because by this time she has become a semi-invalent

the mom that would tell me things like....well with your grades at least we don't have to
worry about refinancing the house to pay for a good college for you, we will be lucky if
you get into college....I was never as smart as David, never good at sports like Ron, and
never as pretty or talented in art as Carol....so there i was the baby, Amy...the loser who
could do nothing right, some say she was jealous, jealous because we weren't close and
me and my father were close, and getting closer all the time, mostly due to her.

I remember making a spelling mistake in school (what a surprise I am terrible at spelling)
sitting in church that week and hearing the minister talk about spelling girl as gril....I was so
embarrassed, I don't remember if he said who it was, but everyone laughed and I sunk into
my seat, watching my mom there smiling like she thought it was wonderful....
I remember being in 5th grade and my mom bought me for a school event a grass skirt, well
for some reason the skirt did not stay together and as me and all my classmates did the dance
it was slowly coming apart, I don't know why everyone was laughing but to this day I am
convinced they were laughing at me and my skirt, and my mom was laughing the loudest...

I know she was a good mom at some point, we joked about our family being the model for the
cartoon/TV show "Wait till your father gets home", that was my mom. She never disciplined the kids, she just told all of us to wait till your father gets home. Then when dad got home she would tell him to yell at who ever it was for what ever they did, half the time he wasn't even sure why
he was yelling at us.

I do love my mom, and I have forgiven her, which was a long drawn out process.
Forgiven but not forgotten - I mean I am a McGaw....
Forgiven for the mean words, for the drinking, for drinking so bad she made
herself sick. For not letting me have the good mom like my brothers.
But would I have ever really had the good mom...who knows.....because the
way she felt about me....I don't know for sure how she felt about me, but I believe she loved me she just didn't really want me and was jealous of how close my dad and I were.

Amy is a tough cookie...she can take it....

I am sitting here writing about my dad's bypass.....and all of a sudden my life hits me...like a lead balloon....OMG my life...the load I carry on my shoulders....its OK Amy can take it....

Amy can take it....Amy will take care of everything.....

mom takes a bottle of pills...why...because she believes Amy hates her....Amy is a tough cookie she will be fine my dad tells the dr and he puts his arm around me and tells me not to worry she didn't mean it.....

Amy watched her mom sneak a drink from her bottom dresser, she tells her dad, he says not to worry he will take care of it...but don't let it upset you Amy...you are a tough cookie you can take it.


dad has to go out of town on business...Amy can leave school to get his paycheck....take it to the bank to deposit and make it back in time for her next class....

bills need to be taken care of at home....Amy can write out the checks, balance the check book, fill out the insurance forms and dad will sign them all....but it was ok....i would do this while dad cooked my favorite dinner...

mom is sick again....Amy will take care of things....

Carol is having another "everyone hates me" episode....so Amy gets blamed by Carol for all her problems....its ok Amy...you know she doesn't mean it, you are a tough cookie...

Carol wants to learn how to drive....we will just let her use the car that Amy drives....

Amy is sick, not old enough to drive yet....so she walks to the dr and walks home sick in the rain....its ok....dad of course comes home to take mom to the dr and drives right past me in the pouring rain and doesn't see me....oh well, its ok Amy he didn't do it on purpose....

Grocery shopping and cleaning the house...it is Saturday....Amy will get up early and go with dad...because Amy enjoys this....or that is what I let dad believe because it makes him happy....

Carol is getting married, Amy will help her, drive her all over, pick stuff up, and then be told Carol really didn't want her in her wedding, the only reason Amy is in the wedding is because she was told she had to .......


Mom is sick again...she will take care of her in between work and school.....

Mom decides to make deathbed confessions to me...Amy can take these secrets....yeah thats the way mom...put things in my head that you make me question and wonder about for the rest of my life...thanks...I tell my brothers, they laugh, give me a break they were just stories she was telling you....yeah I don't think so...

Dad wants to sell the house and move....Amy is in charge of selling all the extra stuff to get rid of...dad tells her what to sell, yet he doesn't remember these things and gets mad at stuff that is sold and how much it is sold for.....

Dad has a new girl friends, she doesn't want kids around.....time for Amy to move out....how does she know, she finds the news paper on the counter every morning with the ads for apartments for rent circled......

Dad is having financial problems and asks for help from his kids, well here we go....we all talk it is decided there needs to be rules and an agreement, and Amy is going to visit dad, she will present it to him...on her birthday, she is strong it will be fine....well it wasn't a huge dad blow up and the papers ripped up and no help for dad...but thats ok Amy can take it...she is a tough cookie....

Dad is having by-pass surgery, I sit there calling everyone the woman next to me says...all men in your family...i asked how she knew...she says women would have made a phone tree work...one brother doesn't even remember the conversation that I told him I was going to AZ to be there for dad...but he is at the movies with his kids, I am cleaning dad's house, it is ok, everyone else isn't here, they have a right to go to dinner and the movies...OMG I AM MAD AT THEM...well that did pass...but when my brother called back you can tell he was a little scared when he said hello....I guess it was the yelling message in his answering machine that gave it away that Amy was a little stressed...oh well Amy can take it...

Amy can take it...Amy can take it....well I guess I should be thankful...this is what made me the tough cookie I am today...the woman that finally figured out she needed out of a bad marriage and wasn't afraid to go out on her own...HELL I was the one supporting the family to begin with.

Amy learned to be a tough cookie at a very young age, some days I really don't want to be the tough cookie....some days I just want to be the one that everyone takes care of and that doesn't have to worry if she can take it....other days, well other days it is the norm for me....

Amy is a tough cookie....she can take it...she can handle anything....


Remind me never to call ANYONE a tough cookie.....