whirl wind evening...

What a whirl wind evening....texting with a friend and I decide to check craigslist for some stupid reason to look at the men out there.....well one catches my eye for some weird reason, he says he is in his 40's and retired early and the woman he was with had moved away for a job and alone again now.....I never answer these things, and craigslist sort of scares me....I registered on one of those sites until I found it it cost and I am too cheap and too broke to pay...

So I reply....and figure I won't hear back for a few days, well as I am texing her and emailing at the same time, because my friend decides I should look at more on craigslist and she is emailing me all sorts of links to ad's....I look up and there is an email in my in box...not from her, not from a family member but from him the "friend" that i am no longer friends with because he was hesitant...my heart stops, I am afraid to read this, I text her OMG I just got a email from your son, I am afraid, she says read it....you will be fine....and just as I go to open it, my other email says I have a reply from the craigslist guy....

so the I read the craigslist one first, he says he is in Camarillo and would love to meet at a starbucks but wonders if we should exchange pictures first...so i reply that would be fine sometime I am in Ventura and included my picture.

The subject line is "for what its worth", I am thinking...did he send me something serious or some sort of joke he forwarded....so now I open it....he says he doesn't know if he should be writing this, he doesnt know if anything he says will make things better, but they can't make anything worse....this is true.

He apologies, he never meant to hurt me and he did things that hurt me and he is sorry, he never meant to lie, but looking back he did say things count as lies, and he is sorry....OMG he said he was sorry...he said he believed his own lies, if you believed them then how are they lies, because you have always told yourself you can't feel this way, maybe they weren't lies and he just needs to realize this. But either way he said he was sorry. He says he isn't looking for forgiveness he just wants me to know he didn't play me he believed things he said also, and now he has a lot of stuff to learn about himself....

Wow this means a lot, I do question it, is it sincere, did someone tell him to write this, I have to believe it is sincere, he is a good guy, I have known him for ever and he isn't this way, he wouldn't do that again to me....and I think the first email was his way of trying to let me know he did things he wasn't proud of, it was just the way he worded it that wasn't good.

I ask myself did he read my blog....OMG you are being stupid, he always says he does NOT look at your FB page ever and he doesn't read blogs, he never would do this just because he read your blog, and even it he read your blog maybe it just opened his eyes to how much this whole thing hurt you....accept the apology and realize he never would have done it if he didn't mean it...and just because he is telling you he lied in the past that is not him, he doesn't lie about stuff that matters, and that is how you know he really felt something, he is just lying to himself now.

I have to respond to my former friend or what ever we are now, as much as I want to make him sit and wait i am sitting here in front of my computer and want to respond....in the mean time the Camarillo craigslist guy has emailed me back his picture...his email is signed Bob...and OMG he is NOT 40's he looks more like mid 50's and he looks like my dad's old friend from 20 years ago that was an old navy male chauvinist who I just wanted to smack every time I saw him...I can't respond to this guys now, OMG he wants to meet like this minute at a starbuck, just ignore him, maybe he will realize I am not interested.

I tell him thank you, thank you as long as this is sincere and not what you just think I need to hear even though it is what I want to hear, thank you, and forgiveness, well it will happen eventually. It take a lot for me not to forgive someone...of course I never forget, I only forgive. I tell him that if he believed them they I don't believe they were all lies, that I still believe he felt something and got scared. I tell him thank you for the apology and hope that in learning about himself he can learn to love and be loved. I ask him where do we go from here, part and never be friends, avoid each other in public and private situations, that I feel right now he got what he wanted me far away from him and out of his life for ever....I need him to be honest with me...and I wonder to myself what will he say, I also wonder if he doesn't want the friendship why...is he afraid of me still feeling something or is he afraid he will feel something and not know how to handle it. So I hit send and wonder if he will reply tonight or it will be a day....

Wow another email from Bob...I replied to your email through another account maybe you didn't get it...wow...2 minutes later another email from him...where are you...did I say something wrong...OMG what....so what I didn't reply to an email instantly....I will just ignore it and maybe he will realize I am not interested. I can't deal with him now....and now this has confirmed what I had been telling my "friend" all along when we were together, I do NOT want or NEED someone who is there 24-7....and I never helped him realize that by sending him so many texts, but that is me, when I think of something I just want to tell you and I am not always looking for a response....it is just a thought...

So I look back at my other account....wow his mom has send me three guys from craigslist to look at....not sure about any of them and not feeling hesitant myself....and there is a response from my "friend"

Completely honest? he has no idea where we go from here, if I need space he will give it to me....I respond and tell him, he was the one that was hesitant about the friendship and he was the one that gave out the huge sigh when I sat next to him at the movie event (which was my first clue before the email there was a problem and that sigh hurt so much). I don't need space I need the friendship back the way it was before he went to therapy...before he decided to tell me he manipulated me and had to boost my ego....he is the one that has to hide the friendship from his family members that don't approve (which is absolutely ridiculous!), we are adults and it is our decisions not theirs but they are they ones that also helped split us up in the first place...I don't care what anyone says these family members played a role....I tell him I don't want him to say "it might be best if we are friends" that only tells me he is trying to be friends because he doens't want to make his mom mad....so it is up to him....

he replies....he wants to discuss this with his therapist this week...I think that is good, I suggest he prints and takes both emails to the therapist, the manipulation one and this one...it concerns me that he only knows what he feels because it is what his therapist tells him he is feeling, but he will eventually learn how to figure out what he is feeling....

wow...feeling much better...OMG another email from Bob...hello where are you....OMG...so this morning I write him...sorry I had to leave and didn't respond but not interested, I do not need someone that wants to move this fast....sorry...no thank you....

I go to bed feeling much better trying not to question any thing, don't go backwards only forwards, he means he is sorry, yes he felt things he just doesn't realize it....yes you still love him and that is ok you will work through that...can I be his friend and still know I love him...heck yeah....been there done that, and hopefully I never made a fool of myself and I don't think I did because when I was younger and did this, these guys NEVER had a clue...woke up feeling more like myself...before the break up, before the bc pills that made me crazy, before the emails telling me that I needed my confidence built up....woke up feeling almost productive today....

where do i go from here...who knows...feeling like I don't want to even get out there and try to date...if Bob is any indication and the way I walked away from the last one feeling...really I just might take a cue from my "friend" and grow old alone....but all of this will take time....will I still cry once in a while over him...my "friend" if that is what we will be someday...yeah...will I love again who knows...will I have that person that when they kiss me I feel the tingles all the way to my toes who know....but I sit here feeling better, one email makes me feel terrible, another just like that make me feel a little more like a person and going on....even though it seems like an over night change it really isn't but it is just me telling myself I can do this...