Mothers Day

Such mixed feelings on mothers day and not the same ones every mothers day
Joy, sorrow, happiness, sadness, loss, fear, confusion, anger, forgiveness,
All of these feelings mixed up in one some times and others just one or two.

The joy of being a mother and hoping i am a better mom then my mom was
to me....I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I try so hard not
to say or do the same things my mother did.

I have had mothers days there were fantastic, especially when my daughter was
little, then there were mothers days where all I wanted was my mom for some
reason. My daughter always tries to make mothers day a wonderful day for me
but I think she knows that it can also be a little painful and never sure about
what type of day I might have.

My sister would tell people that she felt like when I came along they got the daughter they always wanted even though the had adopted her, well I always felt like she was the one wanted and I was the mistake....of course being told that one she never expected to carry me to term and two that I was a conceived on a trip to the beach and not really expected didn't always help...

The extra mom's in my life, the ones that were there, the ones that thought
they were there for me, it was all good and all confusing sometimes.
Many, friends and family deserted us, when bad mom came along, the
woman that wouldn't go to the parties anymore, the woman that embarrassed
them. However we had many that were there for me and my sister.
The regular scheduled families dinner on Friday with one family at their favorite restaurant
two nights a week down at the neighbors, the other nights mostly babysitting, and the other
nights at another families house. These were the times that mom was
in the hospital, I don't know how this got started or how they all knew
but it was a regular thing how these families cirled around us.

I miss mom my sometimes, even though all the memories are not great,
I still miss her sometimes. It took MANY MANY years for me to go from
anger and hatred to forgiveness, I never stopped loving her, I just didn't
always like her. Forgiveness was a very long and hard process.
The mother that wasn't there when I got married or gave birth to
my daughter. I felt so many mixed feeling when I gave birth, such joy
and happiness, but such loneliness or not having a mom there ...mind
you my mother-in-law was there, but she was FAR from a mother to me.

I always say that there were two mothers in our family,
the wonderful, fun, nice, healthy mom
then the sick, alcoholic, mean spiteful mom.

The mom that was the troop leader of the girl scouts, the PTA mom
everyone loved and loved to be around,
the mother my brothers had all their lives while growing up....
the other mom...well I only had the good mom till I was about in 5th grade
then the other mom came along, the sick, dying miserable mom.

My dad used to joke about who broke the mirror...mom was sick for 7 years before she passed.
She did not want to move to California and leave her friends and her sons in Maryland.
I knew this but didn't know how sad and upset she was about this till recently when I
found out she would call one of her new friends here in CA on a regular basis and go on and on
about not wanting to be an CA.

Mom made me and Carol share a room when we moved to CA, so that the other room could be kept for her boys when they visit, eventually dad let Carol move into the other room and told my mom she had to deal with it.

Other things I have found out later in life is that when we lived in MD she would
have coffee every morning after the kids went to school with her best friend, however
she didn't drink coffee, she would have her soda (maybe that is where I get my soda
addiction from) and she would add alcohol to it (unannounced to her friend)

So I did have the good mom for a little bit, and I had no clue during many of those years
that she was an alcoholic, I have no idea when I really found out.....
however I do have memories of knowing she was.....remembering looking into her room
door not shut all the way, seeing her taking a bottle out of her bottom dresser drawer
and taking a swig....mouth wash, lots of mouth wash, always using the mouth wash during the day.....I am just now able to use mouth wash myself without have a bad memory of it.

Good mom....yeah I remember her, little memories, my brother giving her our dog Peggy
her being part of my girl scout troupe...being in charge of the cookie sales
but by 5th or 6th grade those memories started to fade....and the other mom was there

The mom that conned my sister and I out of money because dad had locked up all the booze
she took the money and went out to the store to buy her booze...and she wasn't supposed to
be driving anymore....the suicidal mom....several times and the only times she tried was
when I was home, either with my sister or home alone with her.
One of those times she even told the dr that she did it because Amy didn't love her....
I was a teenager who yelled at her because I was busy washing window and could not
wait on her hand and foot, because by this time she has become a semi-invalent

the mom that would tell me things like....well with your grades at least we don't have to
worry about refinancing the house to pay for a good college for you, we will be lucky if
you get into college....I was never as smart as David, never good at sports like Ron, and
never as pretty or talented in art as Carol....so there i was the baby, Amy...the loser who
could do nothing right, some say she was jealous, jealous because we weren't close and
me and my father were close, and getting closer all the time, mostly due to her.

I remember making a spelling mistake in school (what a surprise I am terrible at spelling)
sitting in church that week and hearing the minister talk about spelling girl as gril....I was so
embarrassed, I don't remember if he said who it was, but everyone laughed and I sunk into
my seat, watching my mom there smiling like she thought it was wonderful....
I remember being in 5th grade and my mom bought me for a school event a grass skirt, well
for some reason the skirt did not stay together and as me and all my classmates did the dance
it was slowly coming apart, I don't know why everyone was laughing but to this day I am
convinced they were laughing at me and my skirt, and my mom was laughing the loudest...

I know she was a good mom at some point, we joked about our family being the model for the
cartoon/TV show "Wait till your father gets home", that was my mom. She never disciplined the kids, she just told all of us to wait till your father gets home. Then when dad got home she would tell him to yell at who ever it was for what ever they did, half the time he wasn't even sure why
he was yelling at us.

I do love my mom, and I have forgiven her, which was a long drawn out process.
Forgiven but not forgotten - I mean I am a McGaw....
Forgiven for the mean words, for the drinking, for drinking so bad she made
herself sick. For not letting me have the good mom like my brothers.
But would I have ever really had the good mom...who knows.....because the
way she felt about me....I don't know for sure how she felt about me, but I believe she loved me she just didn't really want me and was jealous of how close my dad and I were.