Lies, trust and confidence....what a terrible triangle

How do you accept lies when someone you trust and know tells you it was all a lie....oh yeah thats right he never said the word lie...he said manipulations and romantic exaggerations...whats the difference....

Well when you are talking about love or the possibility of love there is no difference when you find out he was only playing with your heart. He figured you needed a boost in your confidence, wow...now I really need a boost in my confidence, now I feel like the only way someone could even want to be with me is if they were faking to care about me....now if someone says anything about love how do I believe them.

He said he loved being with me, he loved looking in my eyes, he loved holding me, he loved talking to me, he said these things first, before I EVER showed or spoke of emotions, he was the first one to say it was becoming more then FWB, he said he loved me but not in the way I want....I was never really sure what that meant and he never could explain it and now I know why ....it was all a lie....a game....he played a game with my heart...and I trusted him, he told me he would never lie about the important stuff like feelings.

Now he says he has and had no feeling for me at any time, he never had and never will have feelings for me, that I need to accept what I thought was there, just wasn't there.

Now he is even hesitant to be my friend, so now I have also lost what I thought was one of my best friends I have ever had. He was surprised when I told him that, but I always knew no matter what he was my friend, he was one of those friends that no matter when when I called he was there. Hesitant...what does he mean by that....afraid, scared, is he afraid of what I will say, do or feel or what he might say, do or feel, I think it is me, me he is afraid of. That hurts...that hurts a lot.

Now I feel like I have been thrown under the bus as a sacrificial lamb going to slaughter. His therapist told him to tell the truth, to not worry about how other will feel.....so here I sit with the tire marks from the bus....

Am I too trusting, am I stupid, I thought I could read people really good, I guess I was wrong.

He did it to build my confidence, really I don't remember needing him to build my confidence.

Am I a bad person, because it seems that these things only happen to me. I sit here crying not because it is over, not because he is gone, not because he told me he felt nothing, never did and never has despite what i might think, I cry because now I feel worse about myself then I could have ever felt in the past. I didn't feel bad about myself before this thing, yet he thought I needed my confidence built up because he has such a huge ego that he could be the one to do this. Well now I feel like trash, like i am so far from being worthy of loving no one could ever love me.

How could a few little words do this to me, how can these words make me feel so bad. I feel worse then when my mother would tell me I wasn't as smart as my brother, or athletic as the other brother or as talented or as pretty as my sister, those hurt but not as much, they didn't hurt because I knew she said things just to hurt me. This hurt because I trusted him, because he said he didn't lie about the important stuff....but he did and he will NOT use the word lie...he has not said he was sorry....he said he meant no harm, but will NOT say he is sorry....

I tell him fine, the friendship is over, no more text no more emails and I will not come to any family functions he is at, I tell his mom I don't think I can move into the family house after he moves out....I can't.

He is clueless he is a man....his mom says something to him about me being upset, did he read the email, did he skim it and not pay attention, he had no clue....so he re-reads the email and he is anxiously asking her what he should say to me....why ...why should he even care, he never had any feeling and he doesn't want to be my friend. I tell her I don't want to hear it again, I don't want to hear the excuses or explanation, all I want is those three little words..I am sorry....and two other words...I lied....so i told her i don't want to hear from him....I want him to think first, I want him to take the email to his therapist and think about it....he got what he wanted he got rid of the crazy obsessed woman that he cared nothing about.....wow i bet he wished he had said those things earlier, he had said used romantic exaggerations, but he never said manipulated or that it was all for his ego and that he was trying to boost my confidence....

I am back 20 years now...maybe i needed a little confidence boosting but not that much, i might have gotten a few extra boost, maybe 2-3 steps forward but one email...one email and I am go backward at least 10 steps if not more. Now I am back to where i was 20 years where my mom never said she loved me before she died, where my sister said she wanted nothing to do with me because I was the cause of all her problems (even though I knew it wasn't true, still hurt) , where my father was pushing me to move out of the house because even though his girl friend didn't live there she didn't want "kids" in the house, where I married a man I didn't love because everyone said it was the right thing to do and I thought i would never find anyone to love me again. Where I dropped out of college because I thought I would never be smart enough to go on to a regular college and never be able to afford it if I could, back there again with one email.....

How could one email do this, because I trusted and thought he was my friend. I convinced him to stay my friend even though he didn't want to....how do I know this, things he said and did, I heard them and ignored them....ask him if he wants to be my friend...I think it would be best if we stay friends, translation, well I really don't want to be, too much trouble and I never really wanted to be but my mom would get mad if I say no....sit next to him at an event, the huge sigh, not the good sigh, the kind I heard from my ex and still do every time I talked to him or walked into the room, I hate that sigh.....that sigh is worse the the knife in the heart of I don't love you....then the "I am hesitant to be your friend" OMG just say you don't want to be friends, and walk away....OMG just say you lied....don't say you manipulated me or something else, you LIED...OMG just say you are sorry, not I meant no harm....but maybe you aren't sorry, how can you be sorry if you didn't care and are happy it is over with. His mom asked him if he got anything good out of the relationship, well I guess....OMG just tell her you were miserable the entire time and I wall all a lie and torture....

So he is free, and he can be happy, he doesn't have to hide the friendship from the family members that aren't happy with it, he doesn't have to pretend to be my friend for his mom...he is free...now that i was over the relationship breaking up I am going through it all over again for the friendship....why should I care he didn't