Therapy....

First off I had a friend tell me that a therapist once told her that the mentally healthy people are the ones getting the therapy...yeah I think so...

Well I decided to go to therapy...why...well, when I encouraged, push, coaxed, whats his face to go to therapy after a while I said well I guess if I am going to make you go I should go also, so I am . Jewish Family Services is where I found myself with a great therapist who is an intern that I love, she is great and has a great sense of humor.

She asks me if I have ever been to therapy...oh yeah...are you kidding...well not that much but enough.

My first stint in therapy was when I was a teenager...I didn't just go to a therapist, a psychologist...I went to my moms psychiatrist...yeah an MD... SHRINK....why the shrink, well because it was my mom's dr and the dr had suggested to my dad that maybe it would be good for me to go see him. Dr. Sheilds, I am sure he is long retired by now. So I agree with dad that this could be good for me.

Well I start seeing him and I like him, he gives me some good insights on my mom, and reminds me that my mom's problems are her problems and not mine, and no matter what she says I did not cause them. However, I think back and I believe the Dr. Sheilds got just as much out of our session as I did, it gave him the other side, the other side of the story. She took the pills because Amy didn't love her...OMG...I was cleaning the windows and I needed to get them done and couldn't wait on her hand and foot. So I think it was beneficial to both of us. I remember one day when I knew I had an appointment after school, I was walking home with some friends, it was early in my freshman year because I was still hanging out after school with the middle school friends that we later went our separate ways, and I think the two boys in the group walking home started making fun of me for something, the way boys do, however at this point I was real sensitive about certain subjects, and I really don't remember what it was about, however I remember it hurt, and instead of taking my time to get to the dr's office, I yelled something at them and took off...I took off running to the dr's office, I was there early and sat outside his office crying by myself for about 10 minutes. I don't know why I remember that incident but I do.

I also remember very clearly when the first bill came with a diagnosis...wow...I don't know if he just figured he needed to make sure there was something for the insurance to cover it or if he truly thought this was me....Paranoid Schizophrenic....wow...I had to look the schizophrenic up, and will always remember that meaning. My sister saw the bill and she loved it...she teased me about it for days. Later in life I figured out where he might have gotten this from, I admit I can be paranoid at time, and still am sometimes, but not to a far extreme, and it only comes up in when certain things happen that push me to be that way. Not paranoid in the sense that you walk through a store and everyone is talking about you, paranoid in the sense that you got stood up for a date and I think he is sitting home making fun of me with his friends. As far as the schizophrenic I can remember telling the dr that anytime I go to do certain things I hear my mom's voice telling me not to try, not smart enough, or my dad's voice of disappointment for not doing it right. I really didn't hear their voice, it was just my thoughts of what they would say. I don't think he really thought I was Schizophrenic, just that the insurance company needed a diagnosis to pay. This part did bug me because I have an uncle who is Schizophrenic.

I saw Dr. Shields I think for about a year or so. It was a good experience for me. Sitting in the dark room, with the dark furniture and all the books, and this older man who I respected telling me that I am ok, that I am not the cause for all my mom's problems. It was a good experience.

I went to a few sessions, nothing formal here and there with the minister at our church through high school years and I think a few times after my mom passed, but nothing unusual about these. Just making sure things were ok.

I did not see anyone for a long time, until my best friend Linda passed away. She was my neighbor and best friend for over 15 years I think. We did everything together, we sewed, shopped, walked, bbq'd....all sorts of great fun stuff. I don't think it was her death as much as it was the way things were handled by her huband Mike. He did not handle it well and some of the stuff he was doing was not allowing me to grieve properly. He immidetely hooked up with a woman from our street who Linda didn't like and many others didn't. Then he did not tell me when they placed Linda in her crypt, OMG I lived next door how hard was it, I had to find out from his girl friends daughter, that is when I decided I needed to see someone, someone to help me take the knife out of my back.

I liked this woman, she was nice, saw her for a while till I couldn't afford it anymore, I laugh because I never paid the last bill, however I loaned her a book and never got it back so I figured we were even. She helped me deal with all the crap and stuff going on next door, she me through the grieving process I was having problems dealing with.

So here I am back in therapy, why, well not sure, not sure how much I need even though it is great to have someone to talk to, thinking my friends get tired of hearing it all from me all the time. One of the reasons for therapy again is to deal with the break up of whats his name (I am sort of enjoying calling him that...hahaha), and just to deal with life. Getting back into the dating grove, dealing with my teenager; who I love to death but she is a teenager.

The therapist I have now in an intern, and I just love her, he has a great sense of humor, I think I have only ended up crying twice in her office, once this week as a matter of fact, and she knew I had been crying before I got there. She says the great thing about me is I process things real well, that by the time I have gone through it and see her I have processed through the situation and we are just talking it out.

Dating seems to be the thing we talk about the most. But we do talk about family, growing up and all the other things that life throws at you. Dating because some of these things are so new to me. Never really dated in high school, then married the first guy that I was with, and have never really dated since divorce, mostly because of school and kid.

Would I recommend therapy to everyone, actually yes, I think everyone should go at least once in their lives, it is something we should all experience. Will I keep going right now, yeah for a little while.