Somedays it just hits you....

Lately I have been thinking about and talking about my sister, Carol a lot. Everything from searching on Linken for her husband to talking to a friend who asked me what she was like and what happened. I have had a lot of women in my life who have been those sisters or mothers to me, but some days it just isn't the same. One minute I want to scream why was she brought into our lives, it would have been so much better without her. The next the good memories and I want to drive down to where she lives and tell her she missed out, she missed out on me getting married, having my daughter and even getting divorced, that I could have used a sister...and a mother for that matter when all these things happened. That she missed out on so much, and that she is selfish for the way she acted. She blamed me, she blamed me for all her problems. I was the reason for all her problems is what her husband told me when he called our house, when he called to say she and he wanted nothing to do with our family anymore.

The questions, was she always mentally ill? Did she act like part of your family? NO she wasn't always mentally ill, however we always knew there was something about her, the big joke was if you took a picture her smile would disappear. But yes she was part of the family, until I would say she was about 15 or 16 I would say. Then she started to pull away, and it got MUCH worse after she got married.

The big question I get is how did you been able to deal with this. I was hurt, I was hurt when he she disowned our family, but not as much as I would have expected. Maybe because by this time I had been so hurt by her and my mom that I couldn't hurt anymore. I had already been blamed by my mother for all her missery in her life, and now here I was on the phone with my brother-in-law being blamed for all of Carol's problems in her life. So whats new....Amy is blamed for everything. I joke about this now, some don't think it is funny, like my boss, I have a habit of saying to joke "what did I do now".

So how did I deal with it, who knows, I just did. I was so angry when they did that I just was too angry and worried about my life, where it was going, and my dad to even think too much about it or be hurt about it at that time. I don't think about it too much unless something hits me. What hit me today....it is real silly, a friend posted one of those "its sister week" on facebook, and it hit me. The person that posted it, her and her sisters are like sisters to me, and it made me laugh at first, laugh a LOT, then I started to cry....and it hit me, the sadness? the anger? not sure what hit me....just that how dare she had done this to all of us, to me. Was this like a death....sort of, but unexpected unlike my moms, well moms was expected for a very long time.

My sister, is she my sister, or someone that just lived in our house, she wasn't a sister by blood, but she was my sister. We took pictures together on santa's lap, even as teenagers we did it. We had slumber parties together, mostly because it was mom's idea. This was because Carols birthday was on Christmas eve and she was cheated of a real birthday, so I had to share my birthday parties several times with Carol. Do I love her? Did I lover her? Yes I loved her, but I don't know what I feel now. Indifferent is the best thing I can come up with. Carol was the person that everyone felt sorry for, the person that people always worried about. Who does she have now? I presume only her husband. Is she mentally unstable? I believe so.

So here I sit, no longer crying over the loss of Carol or the sister I no longer have. I realized tonight that I haven't cried often for Carol, mostly just felt either anger or indifference.