I have many friends from my childhood, I have many I had lost contact with and I have been very lucky that due to Facebook I have been able to reconnect with many of these friends. I have one friend when we were younger I would write her several letters and she would be busy and not write back, so I would be funny and write saying I guess the friendship is over and I would get a letter back saying yeah I know I am bad….it was a running joke with us. To this day we still do it a little, email or texts she doesn’t answer and I will make some comment.
Then there are the friends that have been like family. Some I lost contact with and others we wrote at Christmas and went to wedding and showers but didn’t hang out. Now we are doing more things because we are on FB and can easily contact via FB or text. Then there are the ones that I lost contact with because I was embarrassed I think. Embarrassed due to the situations with my mom and my sister. Even embarrassed by my ex husband. I didn’t want to have to answer the question about my mom or my sister. I sort of just drifted away from these people. Having grown up and moved on with my life I have reconnected again with these people and yes we have talked about my mom and my sister and it has been fine.
Then there is my buddy, my big brother, ok my little girl school crush, Mike. He with his family….two brothers, lived by me, Mike was two years older, his brother Sam was my age and their little brother Brian was much younger, I think about 6 years younger. Not only were we neighbors but our fathers had the same first name and they worked for the same company. He had older siblings that each of his parents had brought to the marriage but they were hardly there and I really didn’t know them. Mike…well Mike was my buddy…they moved out of state after Mike finished 9th grade. Then a year later they moved back to California but to Camarillo. Over the years I had only seen Mike one other time, at his brother Sam’s wedding, otherwise I lost touch with them. I know for years my father and his parents exchanged Christmas cards but that stopped after a while. I have tried to find him or his brothers over the years. I have googled them, I have gone onto the high school websites looking for them, and I have looked on FB to no avail.
Well last week I decided to look on FB again and low and behold Mike was there, so was Sam and their mother. Well I put in an add request for all of them. I was so excited. Now, you know what friends you can tease and what friends you can’t. I got on line the next day and he hadn’t added me…what he had been on line…so I sent him a quick email…giving him a hard time, teasing him. He added me right away. We were talking on pictures and posts and …I had to open a chat. I think that was Friday night and I think we chatted for about an hr but it seemed like much longer. Saturday we chatted for I think almost 2 maybe 3 hrs and Sunday about an hr. We had lost of catching up and lots of reminiscing to do. We talked about my sister, we talked just a little about my mom but not a lot, we mostly talked about what we have been doing and what we remember. Man if his GI Joe and my Barbie could talk about all the fun we had together (get your minds out of the gutter…). We talked and talked. The trips to the corner store for snacks, the company picnics, the neighbors we remember, the trouble he and his brothers would get into, and the good they did…when Mike organized the whole neighborhood to clean up the house across the street where a man had hung himself and the house was for sale but no one took care of it.
He told me he told a co-worker he reconnected with a friend that he had known since 4th grade and the co-worker didn’t believe him. I told him that I had a crush on him growing up, he said he figured, he told me when he was in 6th grade he told one of his friends I was his girl friend, never knew that. This has been a blast this weekend catching up. I have had a huge grin just feeling so good about this.
Mike was always there for my sister and I. His freshman year of high school before they moved there was a huge riot at the school. I remember my sister telling the story about how she was in and area and running towards the fence but knew she would not be able to make it and out of no where she was over the fence, Mike had thrown her over the fence to safety. He was like the big brother watching out for us.
We talked about my house and things that happened there; he kept saying that I was the caretaker that Amy was the caretaker of it all. I had to tell him that my sister went around telling people that she did it all and that I sat in my room all the time. Mike’s comment….those that were truly there everyday so close…like him…knew the truth. That makes me feel so good.
Mike made the comment that he sometimes wonders what would have happened if they never moved. I knew what he meant by that and I had wondered a few times over the years. One thing I know for sure, Mike would have tried to rescue me, in some way shape or form he would have tried to rescue me from what was going on. The other thing was times when I felt like the ugly duckling that no one wanted, he would have made sure I didn’t feel that way. That’s what would have happened. I am sure Mike would have had a run in or two with my mother for things that were said or done being direct towards me, not that is would have made a difference, because it didn’t matter when my dad said anything.
Have I had other friends I have been excited about reconnecting with of course. Did I have other crushes on male friends growing up…of course. Mike however it just seemed different and special, maybe because even though he moved away it confirmed what I always knew he was always in my corner cheering me on. We will keep talking, we will keep catching up, and one of these days I will find my missing stack of pictures where I have a few of him and his brothers I can post. Eventually we will visit in person, either up here or I will drive down and meet his wonderful family, amazingly his wife says she remembers me from Sam’s wedding, wow I don’t know if I made a good or bad impression…hahaha…I do remember Mike being excited to introduce me to her.
You never know where life takes you and if you had asked me when Mike and his family moved away if I thought we would reconnect on some thing called the internet and some thing called Facebook, I would have told you, you were crazy. I mean really, Pong was high tech then.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Phobia's and Fears....
Fears and Phobia’s
So we all have them. A friend recently said to me wow all of yours you know where they come from and they all stem from your childhood.
This is so true, I have a few and I can explain them all…. Doberman pinchers, crickets/grasshoppers and stairs that have open slats (or gaps in something like gaps in a pier).
Stairs with openings between them or gaps in the pier, when I was in preschool, we had a collie Gypsy. Loved that dog. One day she came with my mom to pick me up from school as she ran up the stair to me she lost her footing and slipped through the stairs she was hurt. I don’t remember seeing Gypsy much after that, I remember seeing her limp around. After that when we came or went from school I made my mom go through the back where we climbed the hill and walked directly in with no stairs. To this day I hate stairs with gaps and piers with gaps.
Doberman pinchers, well again when I was little, I think now in kindergarten, we had the new puppy, Peggy, our Irish setter. My dad took her to obedience school, every Saturday I would go with them. I would sit on the open end of the station wagon and play and watch. Peggy was good in obedience school, until the final test when she got up and followed the instructor and failed. But anyway, there was one day when one of the instructors was out so they combined two classes, one of the dogs was a Doberman and he for some reason decided he did not like the Collie in front of him and proceeded to wrap his teeth around the rear end of the Collie. It took 6 adult men to get the Doberman off the Collie, the women were running around trying to get the kids to where they couldn’t see but I could still see, and to this day it is the ONLY dog I am afraid of.
Lastly…the crickets/grasshoppers. Well again, I was young, I think about 2nd grade heading to a friends house, which lived across Gonzales road. I was had just turned off my street onto Patricia to cross the street when something jumped on me, it was either a cricket or a grasshopper, not sure, but either way, I froze, I just stood there. I was terrified until I ran off and it was off of me. Now when I hear the sound of one I am terrified.
Anyway, these are my phobia’s and fears….I know they sound silly but they are mine.
So we all have them. A friend recently said to me wow all of yours you know where they come from and they all stem from your childhood.
This is so true, I have a few and I can explain them all…. Doberman pinchers, crickets/grasshoppers and stairs that have open slats (or gaps in something like gaps in a pier).
Stairs with openings between them or gaps in the pier, when I was in preschool, we had a collie Gypsy. Loved that dog. One day she came with my mom to pick me up from school as she ran up the stair to me she lost her footing and slipped through the stairs she was hurt. I don’t remember seeing Gypsy much after that, I remember seeing her limp around. After that when we came or went from school I made my mom go through the back where we climbed the hill and walked directly in with no stairs. To this day I hate stairs with gaps and piers with gaps.
Doberman pinchers, well again when I was little, I think now in kindergarten, we had the new puppy, Peggy, our Irish setter. My dad took her to obedience school, every Saturday I would go with them. I would sit on the open end of the station wagon and play and watch. Peggy was good in obedience school, until the final test when she got up and followed the instructor and failed. But anyway, there was one day when one of the instructors was out so they combined two classes, one of the dogs was a Doberman and he for some reason decided he did not like the Collie in front of him and proceeded to wrap his teeth around the rear end of the Collie. It took 6 adult men to get the Doberman off the Collie, the women were running around trying to get the kids to where they couldn’t see but I could still see, and to this day it is the ONLY dog I am afraid of.
Lastly…the crickets/grasshoppers. Well again, I was young, I think about 2nd grade heading to a friends house, which lived across Gonzales road. I was had just turned off my street onto Patricia to cross the street when something jumped on me, it was either a cricket or a grasshopper, not sure, but either way, I froze, I just stood there. I was terrified until I ran off and it was off of me. Now when I hear the sound of one I am terrified.
Anyway, these are my phobia’s and fears….I know they sound silly but they are mine.
Money makes the world go around
Money
Money…we all need it, we all want it, and some say it is the root of all evil….oh no that’s right I forgot I am the root of all evil….hahaha
Recently I was speaking with an old friend and mentioned that I needed to find a way to make more money, his comment was why do people think money will make them happy….well it isn’t that I want it to make me happy, I want it to feel secure. Let me back up here,
I grew up in a middle class home, where we never really needed for anything and never thought we didn’t have money for stuff, yet we were far from rich and far from getting everything we thought we wanted. If you asked dad for money for the movies, for jeans or anything else he gave it to you. I babysat quite often for extra money. Dad would say we don’t have money for stuff, but it wasn’t obvious stuff. We went on family vacations, nothing extravagant; we decorated the house, made upgrades and always had running cars. I always knew there were some money problems, but nothing to where we were always robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Then I moved out on my own, well sort of, moved in with my boyfriend, it was fine, I never worried I made enough to live, I made a decent living and always made sure I had enough to pay rent, utilities and food before having fun. Then I got engaged, well dad didn’t have a lot of money so I sold Tupperware to save for the wedding, even took out a small loan for it. We will still fine, the man I married worked as a mechanic, and we did just fine. Then it all started, the changing of the jobs the losing of the jobs. Here I was the main breadwinner. Then he had to have an emergency appendectomy on Christmas day with no insurance. The county would NOT work with us so we end up filing for bankruptcy. Then we had my daughter a few years later. It seemed it slowly got worse. All the promises of making big money never seemed to happen. The credit cards, buying, behind on the rent because he lost another job and no unemployment was starting to get to me, but I handled it. During that the way I handled things was working a second job. I worked a second job a few times.
I hesitated leaving my husband because of the money, then one day I realized what does it matter, he is the money with no money, not me. But by this time I had been laid off from my high paying job and now working for the school district making about 13.00 an hr and ONLY being paid once a month. But I could do this; I could move out on my own and take my daughter. So I make a budget and figure out how much I can afford. Now by this time we are behind on bills, because he has been unemployed with no disability or unemployment for over a year. We decide that I will not walk away with his bills and I will not be forced to cover all our bills on my own so we file bankruptcy AGAIN.
So I find a small one bedroom for my daughter, and me it is very near to her school, however not the best place, but it is only 850.00 a month. But it will do, we deal with the roaches and the wonderfully classy people in the complex. Then I find a job where I make more money, Jenna has changed schools and I can afford a bigger place. Now I am making 48k a year and I can afford a two bedroom for 1200.00 a month. It is cute, I like it, we can now afford and have a place where we can have a cat, actually two cats now.
So things are going good, I am now comfortable, I am actually saving a little money, I am not stressed over things, my daughter still doesn’t get everything she wants but it isn’t the constant no we can’t afford it. I am feeling secure…..then the bottom falls out. I get laid off. Well I am not too worried and not too stressed, I do it, I can make it work, I go through my savings and just at the end I find a job. GREAT. However it is less money. Now I am making 19.00 an hr, about 200.00 less a week. I make too much money to keep my daughter on healthy families and not enough to be able to afford to put her on mine at work. Someone at work says it is only 60.00 a pay period….OMG 60.00 a pay period. At the first of the month I only have about 200.00 for groceries, gas and meds till the middle of the month, yeah lets take 60.00 out of that, and in the middle of the month an average of 650.00, which is not a lot when you add in doctor visits, clothing (and with me losing weight I have bought more then normal), school books, school fees, any other expected costs…..like flee stuff for the cats, shots for the cats, all this stuff, oh and it is almost November, my car tags over almost 150.00. Plus lets not forget that at the end of this year my student loans will come due, the cheapest so far that I have been able to find to refi them and condense them is about 150.00 a month. Oh and add the fact that I am not taking enough out in taxes, just to survive. I will pay for that in the end. Have a friend ask you if you want to go out, to a movie, to dinner and you spend 20 minutes looking to see if you have any money left, if you have any money on the credit card, because you don’t want to say you can’t afford it, they will try to pay and that makes you feel terrible. My daughter spends all her waking time trying to find a job to relieve some of the stress from mom, but she is too young, no one will hire her till she is 18, two more months.
Does my ex help….yeah once in a blue moon, I almost had to pay him spousal support when we divorced, but then I would have ended up in jail for murder…hahaha….
So here I am to the conversation I had with my friend, where I say I love my job, I love the people I work with, the members of the club are fantastic, however I need to find a way to make more money. He says why do people equate money with happiness, no I equate money with security. I now have no savings, no retirement, and no security. Here I am trying to rebuild my life, to date, I have told the guy I am seeing that money is tight and he keeps encouraging me to find a new job that pays more. He doesn’t want me to be stressed over it. I don’t have many stressors anymore, but this is one. So there it is, money won’t buy me happiness it will buy me security. I just want to be able to go to the grocery store and not have to put stuff back…. usually the stuff I want for myself because I hate telling my daughter I couldn’t afford it. It is 2 months before Christmas and I am already stressing over it.
I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing this so that people sometimes can understand where I am coming from. I am proud of how I have survived, how I made it through unemployment, a divorce, two bankruptcies, and now getting back on my feet. I decided I would try to open a business on the side to make extra money but don’t know if that will take off. I just need to find a way to feel secure when it comes to finances. I am making less money, but the same if not more amount of bills as before.
Money…we all need it, we all want it, and some say it is the root of all evil….oh no that’s right I forgot I am the root of all evil….hahaha
Recently I was speaking with an old friend and mentioned that I needed to find a way to make more money, his comment was why do people think money will make them happy….well it isn’t that I want it to make me happy, I want it to feel secure. Let me back up here,
I grew up in a middle class home, where we never really needed for anything and never thought we didn’t have money for stuff, yet we were far from rich and far from getting everything we thought we wanted. If you asked dad for money for the movies, for jeans or anything else he gave it to you. I babysat quite often for extra money. Dad would say we don’t have money for stuff, but it wasn’t obvious stuff. We went on family vacations, nothing extravagant; we decorated the house, made upgrades and always had running cars. I always knew there were some money problems, but nothing to where we were always robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Then I moved out on my own, well sort of, moved in with my boyfriend, it was fine, I never worried I made enough to live, I made a decent living and always made sure I had enough to pay rent, utilities and food before having fun. Then I got engaged, well dad didn’t have a lot of money so I sold Tupperware to save for the wedding, even took out a small loan for it. We will still fine, the man I married worked as a mechanic, and we did just fine. Then it all started, the changing of the jobs the losing of the jobs. Here I was the main breadwinner. Then he had to have an emergency appendectomy on Christmas day with no insurance. The county would NOT work with us so we end up filing for bankruptcy. Then we had my daughter a few years later. It seemed it slowly got worse. All the promises of making big money never seemed to happen. The credit cards, buying, behind on the rent because he lost another job and no unemployment was starting to get to me, but I handled it. During that the way I handled things was working a second job. I worked a second job a few times.
I hesitated leaving my husband because of the money, then one day I realized what does it matter, he is the money with no money, not me. But by this time I had been laid off from my high paying job and now working for the school district making about 13.00 an hr and ONLY being paid once a month. But I could do this; I could move out on my own and take my daughter. So I make a budget and figure out how much I can afford. Now by this time we are behind on bills, because he has been unemployed with no disability or unemployment for over a year. We decide that I will not walk away with his bills and I will not be forced to cover all our bills on my own so we file bankruptcy AGAIN.
So I find a small one bedroom for my daughter, and me it is very near to her school, however not the best place, but it is only 850.00 a month. But it will do, we deal with the roaches and the wonderfully classy people in the complex. Then I find a job where I make more money, Jenna has changed schools and I can afford a bigger place. Now I am making 48k a year and I can afford a two bedroom for 1200.00 a month. It is cute, I like it, we can now afford and have a place where we can have a cat, actually two cats now.
So things are going good, I am now comfortable, I am actually saving a little money, I am not stressed over things, my daughter still doesn’t get everything she wants but it isn’t the constant no we can’t afford it. I am feeling secure…..then the bottom falls out. I get laid off. Well I am not too worried and not too stressed, I do it, I can make it work, I go through my savings and just at the end I find a job. GREAT. However it is less money. Now I am making 19.00 an hr, about 200.00 less a week. I make too much money to keep my daughter on healthy families and not enough to be able to afford to put her on mine at work. Someone at work says it is only 60.00 a pay period….OMG 60.00 a pay period. At the first of the month I only have about 200.00 for groceries, gas and meds till the middle of the month, yeah lets take 60.00 out of that, and in the middle of the month an average of 650.00, which is not a lot when you add in doctor visits, clothing (and with me losing weight I have bought more then normal), school books, school fees, any other expected costs…..like flee stuff for the cats, shots for the cats, all this stuff, oh and it is almost November, my car tags over almost 150.00. Plus lets not forget that at the end of this year my student loans will come due, the cheapest so far that I have been able to find to refi them and condense them is about 150.00 a month. Oh and add the fact that I am not taking enough out in taxes, just to survive. I will pay for that in the end. Have a friend ask you if you want to go out, to a movie, to dinner and you spend 20 minutes looking to see if you have any money left, if you have any money on the credit card, because you don’t want to say you can’t afford it, they will try to pay and that makes you feel terrible. My daughter spends all her waking time trying to find a job to relieve some of the stress from mom, but she is too young, no one will hire her till she is 18, two more months.
Does my ex help….yeah once in a blue moon, I almost had to pay him spousal support when we divorced, but then I would have ended up in jail for murder…hahaha….
So here I am to the conversation I had with my friend, where I say I love my job, I love the people I work with, the members of the club are fantastic, however I need to find a way to make more money. He says why do people equate money with happiness, no I equate money with security. I now have no savings, no retirement, and no security. Here I am trying to rebuild my life, to date, I have told the guy I am seeing that money is tight and he keeps encouraging me to find a new job that pays more. He doesn’t want me to be stressed over it. I don’t have many stressors anymore, but this is one. So there it is, money won’t buy me happiness it will buy me security. I just want to be able to go to the grocery store and not have to put stuff back…. usually the stuff I want for myself because I hate telling my daughter I couldn’t afford it. It is 2 months before Christmas and I am already stressing over it.
I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing this so that people sometimes can understand where I am coming from. I am proud of how I have survived, how I made it through unemployment, a divorce, two bankruptcies, and now getting back on my feet. I decided I would try to open a business on the side to make extra money but don’t know if that will take off. I just need to find a way to feel secure when it comes to finances. I am making less money, but the same if not more amount of bills as before.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Somedays it just hits you....
Lately I have been thinking about and talking about my sister, Carol a lot. Everything from searching on Linken for her husband to talking to a friend who asked me what she was like and what happened. I have had a lot of women in my life who have been those sisters or mothers to me, but some days it just isn't the same. One minute I want to scream why was she brought into our lives, it would have been so much better without her. The next the good memories and I want to drive down to where she lives and tell her she missed out, she missed out on me getting married, having my daughter and even getting divorced, that I could have used a sister...and a mother for that matter when all these things happened. That she missed out on so much, and that she is selfish for the way she acted. She blamed me, she blamed me for all her problems. I was the reason for all her problems is what her husband told me when he called our house, when he called to say she and he wanted nothing to do with our family anymore.
The questions, was she always mentally ill? Did she act like part of your family? NO she wasn't always mentally ill, however we always knew there was something about her, the big joke was if you took a picture her smile would disappear. But yes she was part of the family, until I would say she was about 15 or 16 I would say. Then she started to pull away, and it got MUCH worse after she got married.
The big question I get is how did you been able to deal with this. I was hurt, I was hurt when he she disowned our family, but not as much as I would have expected. Maybe because by this time I had been so hurt by her and my mom that I couldn't hurt anymore. I had already been blamed by my mother for all her missery in her life, and now here I was on the phone with my brother-in-law being blamed for all of Carol's problems in her life. So whats new....Amy is blamed for everything. I joke about this now, some don't think it is funny, like my boss, I have a habit of saying to joke "what did I do now".
So how did I deal with it, who knows, I just did. I was so angry when they did that I just was too angry and worried about my life, where it was going, and my dad to even think too much about it or be hurt about it at that time. I don't think about it too much unless something hits me. What hit me today....it is real silly, a friend posted one of those "its sister week" on facebook, and it hit me. The person that posted it, her and her sisters are like sisters to me, and it made me laugh at first, laugh a LOT, then I started to cry....and it hit me, the sadness? the anger? not sure what hit me....just that how dare she had done this to all of us, to me. Was this like a death....sort of, but unexpected unlike my moms, well moms was expected for a very long time.
My sister, is she my sister, or someone that just lived in our house, she wasn't a sister by blood, but she was my sister. We took pictures together on santa's lap, even as teenagers we did it. We had slumber parties together, mostly because it was mom's idea. This was because Carols birthday was on Christmas eve and she was cheated of a real birthday, so I had to share my birthday parties several times with Carol. Do I love her? Did I lover her? Yes I loved her, but I don't know what I feel now. Indifferent is the best thing I can come up with. Carol was the person that everyone felt sorry for, the person that people always worried about. Who does she have now? I presume only her husband. Is she mentally unstable? I believe so.
So here I sit, no longer crying over the loss of Carol or the sister I no longer have. I realized tonight that I haven't cried often for Carol, mostly just felt either anger or indifference.
The questions, was she always mentally ill? Did she act like part of your family? NO she wasn't always mentally ill, however we always knew there was something about her, the big joke was if you took a picture her smile would disappear. But yes she was part of the family, until I would say she was about 15 or 16 I would say. Then she started to pull away, and it got MUCH worse after she got married.
The big question I get is how did you been able to deal with this. I was hurt, I was hurt when he she disowned our family, but not as much as I would have expected. Maybe because by this time I had been so hurt by her and my mom that I couldn't hurt anymore. I had already been blamed by my mother for all her missery in her life, and now here I was on the phone with my brother-in-law being blamed for all of Carol's problems in her life. So whats new....Amy is blamed for everything. I joke about this now, some don't think it is funny, like my boss, I have a habit of saying to joke "what did I do now".
So how did I deal with it, who knows, I just did. I was so angry when they did that I just was too angry and worried about my life, where it was going, and my dad to even think too much about it or be hurt about it at that time. I don't think about it too much unless something hits me. What hit me today....it is real silly, a friend posted one of those "its sister week" on facebook, and it hit me. The person that posted it, her and her sisters are like sisters to me, and it made me laugh at first, laugh a LOT, then I started to cry....and it hit me, the sadness? the anger? not sure what hit me....just that how dare she had done this to all of us, to me. Was this like a death....sort of, but unexpected unlike my moms, well moms was expected for a very long time.
My sister, is she my sister, or someone that just lived in our house, she wasn't a sister by blood, but she was my sister. We took pictures together on santa's lap, even as teenagers we did it. We had slumber parties together, mostly because it was mom's idea. This was because Carols birthday was on Christmas eve and she was cheated of a real birthday, so I had to share my birthday parties several times with Carol. Do I love her? Did I lover her? Yes I loved her, but I don't know what I feel now. Indifferent is the best thing I can come up with. Carol was the person that everyone felt sorry for, the person that people always worried about. Who does she have now? I presume only her husband. Is she mentally unstable? I believe so.
So here I sit, no longer crying over the loss of Carol or the sister I no longer have. I realized tonight that I haven't cried often for Carol, mostly just felt either anger or indifference.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Therapy....
First off I had a friend tell me that a therapist once told her that the mentally healthy people are the ones getting the therapy...yeah I think so...
Well I decided to go to therapy...why...well, when I encouraged, push, coaxed, whats his face to go to therapy after a while I said well I guess if I am going to make you go I should go also, so I am . Jewish Family Services is where I found myself with a great therapist who is an intern that I love, she is great and has a great sense of humor.
She asks me if I have ever been to therapy...oh yeah...are you kidding...well not that much but enough.
My first stint in therapy was when I was a teenager...I didn't just go to a therapist, a psychologist...I went to my moms psychiatrist...yeah an MD... SHRINK....why the shrink, well because it was my mom's dr and the dr had suggested to my dad that maybe it would be good for me to go see him. Dr. Sheilds, I am sure he is long retired by now. So I agree with dad that this could be good for me.
Well I start seeing him and I like him, he gives me some good insights on my mom, and reminds me that my mom's problems are her problems and not mine, and no matter what she says I did not cause them. However, I think back and I believe the Dr. Sheilds got just as much out of our session as I did, it gave him the other side, the other side of the story. She took the pills because Amy didn't love her...OMG...I was cleaning the windows and I needed to get them done and couldn't wait on her hand and foot. So I think it was beneficial to both of us. I remember one day when I knew I had an appointment after school, I was walking home with some friends, it was early in my freshman year because I was still hanging out after school with the middle school friends that we later went our separate ways, and I think the two boys in the group walking home started making fun of me for something, the way boys do, however at this point I was real sensitive about certain subjects, and I really don't remember what it was about, however I remember it hurt, and instead of taking my time to get to the dr's office, I yelled something at them and took off...I took off running to the dr's office, I was there early and sat outside his office crying by myself for about 10 minutes. I don't know why I remember that incident but I do.
I also remember very clearly when the first bill came with a diagnosis...wow...I don't know if he just figured he needed to make sure there was something for the insurance to cover it or if he truly thought this was me....Paranoid Schizophrenic....wow...I had to look the schizophrenic up, and will always remember that meaning. My sister saw the bill and she loved it...she teased me about it for days. Later in life I figured out where he might have gotten this from, I admit I can be paranoid at time, and still am sometimes, but not to a far extreme, and it only comes up in when certain things happen that push me to be that way. Not paranoid in the sense that you walk through a store and everyone is talking about you, paranoid in the sense that you got stood up for a date and I think he is sitting home making fun of me with his friends. As far as the schizophrenic I can remember telling the dr that anytime I go to do certain things I hear my mom's voice telling me not to try, not smart enough, or my dad's voice of disappointment for not doing it right. I really didn't hear their voice, it was just my thoughts of what they would say. I don't think he really thought I was Schizophrenic, just that the insurance company needed a diagnosis to pay. This part did bug me because I have an uncle who is Schizophrenic.
I saw Dr. Shields I think for about a year or so. It was a good experience for me. Sitting in the dark room, with the dark furniture and all the books, and this older man who I respected telling me that I am ok, that I am not the cause for all my mom's problems. It was a good experience.
I went to a few sessions, nothing formal here and there with the minister at our church through high school years and I think a few times after my mom passed, but nothing unusual about these. Just making sure things were ok.
I did not see anyone for a long time, until my best friend Linda passed away. She was my neighbor and best friend for over 15 years I think. We did everything together, we sewed, shopped, walked, bbq'd....all sorts of great fun stuff. I don't think it was her death as much as it was the way things were handled by her huband Mike. He did not handle it well and some of the stuff he was doing was not allowing me to grieve properly. He immidetely hooked up with a woman from our street who Linda didn't like and many others didn't. Then he did not tell me when they placed Linda in her crypt, OMG I lived next door how hard was it, I had to find out from his girl friends daughter, that is when I decided I needed to see someone, someone to help me take the knife out of my back.
I liked this woman, she was nice, saw her for a while till I couldn't afford it anymore, I laugh because I never paid the last bill, however I loaned her a book and never got it back so I figured we were even. She helped me deal with all the crap and stuff going on next door, she me through the grieving process I was having problems dealing with.
So here I am back in therapy, why, well not sure, not sure how much I need even though it is great to have someone to talk to, thinking my friends get tired of hearing it all from me all the time. One of the reasons for therapy again is to deal with the break up of whats his name (I am sort of enjoying calling him that...hahaha), and just to deal with life. Getting back into the dating grove, dealing with my teenager; who I love to death but she is a teenager.
The therapist I have now in an intern, and I just love her, he has a great sense of humor, I think I have only ended up crying twice in her office, once this week as a matter of fact, and she knew I had been crying before I got there. She says the great thing about me is I process things real well, that by the time I have gone through it and see her I have processed through the situation and we are just talking it out.
Dating seems to be the thing we talk about the most. But we do talk about family, growing up and all the other things that life throws at you. Dating because some of these things are so new to me. Never really dated in high school, then married the first guy that I was with, and have never really dated since divorce, mostly because of school and kid.
Would I recommend therapy to everyone, actually yes, I think everyone should go at least once in their lives, it is something we should all experience. Will I keep going right now, yeah for a little while.
Well I decided to go to therapy...why...well, when I encouraged, push, coaxed, whats his face to go to therapy after a while I said well I guess if I am going to make you go I should go also, so I am . Jewish Family Services is where I found myself with a great therapist who is an intern that I love, she is great and has a great sense of humor.
She asks me if I have ever been to therapy...oh yeah...are you kidding...well not that much but enough.
My first stint in therapy was when I was a teenager...I didn't just go to a therapist, a psychologist...I went to my moms psychiatrist...yeah an MD... SHRINK....why the shrink, well because it was my mom's dr and the dr had suggested to my dad that maybe it would be good for me to go see him. Dr. Sheilds, I am sure he is long retired by now. So I agree with dad that this could be good for me.
Well I start seeing him and I like him, he gives me some good insights on my mom, and reminds me that my mom's problems are her problems and not mine, and no matter what she says I did not cause them. However, I think back and I believe the Dr. Sheilds got just as much out of our session as I did, it gave him the other side, the other side of the story. She took the pills because Amy didn't love her...OMG...I was cleaning the windows and I needed to get them done and couldn't wait on her hand and foot. So I think it was beneficial to both of us. I remember one day when I knew I had an appointment after school, I was walking home with some friends, it was early in my freshman year because I was still hanging out after school with the middle school friends that we later went our separate ways, and I think the two boys in the group walking home started making fun of me for something, the way boys do, however at this point I was real sensitive about certain subjects, and I really don't remember what it was about, however I remember it hurt, and instead of taking my time to get to the dr's office, I yelled something at them and took off...I took off running to the dr's office, I was there early and sat outside his office crying by myself for about 10 minutes. I don't know why I remember that incident but I do.
I also remember very clearly when the first bill came with a diagnosis...wow...I don't know if he just figured he needed to make sure there was something for the insurance to cover it or if he truly thought this was me....Paranoid Schizophrenic....wow...I had to look the schizophrenic up, and will always remember that meaning. My sister saw the bill and she loved it...she teased me about it for days. Later in life I figured out where he might have gotten this from, I admit I can be paranoid at time, and still am sometimes, but not to a far extreme, and it only comes up in when certain things happen that push me to be that way. Not paranoid in the sense that you walk through a store and everyone is talking about you, paranoid in the sense that you got stood up for a date and I think he is sitting home making fun of me with his friends. As far as the schizophrenic I can remember telling the dr that anytime I go to do certain things I hear my mom's voice telling me not to try, not smart enough, or my dad's voice of disappointment for not doing it right. I really didn't hear their voice, it was just my thoughts of what they would say. I don't think he really thought I was Schizophrenic, just that the insurance company needed a diagnosis to pay. This part did bug me because I have an uncle who is Schizophrenic.
I saw Dr. Shields I think for about a year or so. It was a good experience for me. Sitting in the dark room, with the dark furniture and all the books, and this older man who I respected telling me that I am ok, that I am not the cause for all my mom's problems. It was a good experience.
I went to a few sessions, nothing formal here and there with the minister at our church through high school years and I think a few times after my mom passed, but nothing unusual about these. Just making sure things were ok.
I did not see anyone for a long time, until my best friend Linda passed away. She was my neighbor and best friend for over 15 years I think. We did everything together, we sewed, shopped, walked, bbq'd....all sorts of great fun stuff. I don't think it was her death as much as it was the way things were handled by her huband Mike. He did not handle it well and some of the stuff he was doing was not allowing me to grieve properly. He immidetely hooked up with a woman from our street who Linda didn't like and many others didn't. Then he did not tell me when they placed Linda in her crypt, OMG I lived next door how hard was it, I had to find out from his girl friends daughter, that is when I decided I needed to see someone, someone to help me take the knife out of my back.
I liked this woman, she was nice, saw her for a while till I couldn't afford it anymore, I laugh because I never paid the last bill, however I loaned her a book and never got it back so I figured we were even. She helped me deal with all the crap and stuff going on next door, she me through the grieving process I was having problems dealing with.
So here I am back in therapy, why, well not sure, not sure how much I need even though it is great to have someone to talk to, thinking my friends get tired of hearing it all from me all the time. One of the reasons for therapy again is to deal with the break up of whats his name (I am sort of enjoying calling him that...hahaha), and just to deal with life. Getting back into the dating grove, dealing with my teenager; who I love to death but she is a teenager.
The therapist I have now in an intern, and I just love her, he has a great sense of humor, I think I have only ended up crying twice in her office, once this week as a matter of fact, and she knew I had been crying before I got there. She says the great thing about me is I process things real well, that by the time I have gone through it and see her I have processed through the situation and we are just talking it out.
Dating seems to be the thing we talk about the most. But we do talk about family, growing up and all the other things that life throws at you. Dating because some of these things are so new to me. Never really dated in high school, then married the first guy that I was with, and have never really dated since divorce, mostly because of school and kid.
Would I recommend therapy to everyone, actually yes, I think everyone should go at least once in their lives, it is something we should all experience. Will I keep going right now, yeah for a little while.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Reality Bites
Well tonight...tonight has been a night of reality and stress.
Had a small paper cut on my finger, hit it on a metal fastener
earlier at work today and then
all of a sudden I am trying to figure out why there is blood
all over my paperwork that i am working on....crap, the stupid
fastener ripped my paper cut open and it will not stop bleeding.
Help from my co-workers and band aids and finally stops, but now to type...
yeah that isn't going to be easy, and go figure it is the middle finger.
So day is almost done and I get a frantic call from my daughter,
her fish tank is leaking...crap....rush home, well the fish are
now in Tupperware....I knew I bought them for something...
she has most of it cleaned up and we have to now take back the
one tank she has and get a glass one....fine as long at it doesn't cost
me anything more....well it was just a little more.
Get her home, she is going to set it up, as I go over to a friends to help
her move some furniture, another call from my daughter, not enough
gravel and need the light bulbs for the tank....ok I am on my way home.
Back to the pet store, now let me say that I have this little short cut I always
take to the pet store through this one neighborhood,
it is a nice little quiet neighborhood with a park you drive past
it has this condo complex where I have had some friends live, love these condos.
So we get the gravel and the light bulbs and we leave the pet store
so I head back through my little short cut....oh crap reality hits me...this
is the condo complex that whats his face his moving to....reality hits me
I need to stop day dreaming of a romantic reunion...reality hits me....
he is never coming back...he doesn't love you...he doesn't want to be with you...
or that fact anyone...he wants to grow old alone...I know he has told me this
several times and I have tried to convince myself to accept but, but we all know
how that goes, I am a female...we can't do that easily....reality hit me...crap...
So here I am driving through this neighborhood holding back the tears
trying not to let my daughter know I am crying as I drive home...
because reality hits me....and reality bites...bites the big one....
So what else can happen, my daughter sets up the new fish tank and starts
putting the fish into it....one keep floating and another is sinking....crap
well out of four fish two are now dead....reality bites....
Fish number one is flushed....and she is watching fish number two....
well now we flush that one...she is so stressed she takes off with her
boyfriend to get some fresh air.
So I sit here with the tip of my middle finger hurting,
hoping I am all cried out...I can't do this anymore....
and thinking whats his face has the right idea
grow old alone and you don't have to worry about being hurt.
I head to bed, I am going to read, well now I really don't want to read
the book I had just started, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
Why read that one....I am going to take a cue from whats his face and
grow old alone...so I look for a new book and fine Sex, Drugs and Coco Puffs
I will read that, that sounds good....
I read for a while, then go to sleep, I wake up and go to the bath room
for some reason I decide I need to go check on the fish tank in
daughters room, she still isn't home yet....oh crap...reality bites...
Her favorite fish is now dead....I guess we will have to go shopping
for new fish tomorrow...so I text her and she texts me back she is
almost home....I hear her come into the house, and hear the sound
of the favorite fish being flushed....
My friend told me recently her theory about fish is
that god created fish to teach us about death....
REALITY BITES SOMETIMES.
Had a small paper cut on my finger, hit it on a metal fastener
earlier at work today and then
all of a sudden I am trying to figure out why there is blood
all over my paperwork that i am working on....crap, the stupid
fastener ripped my paper cut open and it will not stop bleeding.
Help from my co-workers and band aids and finally stops, but now to type...
yeah that isn't going to be easy, and go figure it is the middle finger.
So day is almost done and I get a frantic call from my daughter,
her fish tank is leaking...crap....rush home, well the fish are
now in Tupperware....I knew I bought them for something...
she has most of it cleaned up and we have to now take back the
one tank she has and get a glass one....fine as long at it doesn't cost
me anything more....well it was just a little more.
Get her home, she is going to set it up, as I go over to a friends to help
her move some furniture, another call from my daughter, not enough
gravel and need the light bulbs for the tank....ok I am on my way home.
Back to the pet store, now let me say that I have this little short cut I always
take to the pet store through this one neighborhood,
it is a nice little quiet neighborhood with a park you drive past
it has this condo complex where I have had some friends live, love these condos.
So we get the gravel and the light bulbs and we leave the pet store
so I head back through my little short cut....oh crap reality hits me...this
is the condo complex that whats his face his moving to....reality hits me
I need to stop day dreaming of a romantic reunion...reality hits me....
he is never coming back...he doesn't love you...he doesn't want to be with you...
or that fact anyone...he wants to grow old alone...I know he has told me this
several times and I have tried to convince myself to accept but, but we all know
how that goes, I am a female...we can't do that easily....reality hit me...crap...
So here I am driving through this neighborhood holding back the tears
trying not to let my daughter know I am crying as I drive home...
because reality hits me....and reality bites...bites the big one....
So what else can happen, my daughter sets up the new fish tank and starts
putting the fish into it....one keep floating and another is sinking....crap
well out of four fish two are now dead....reality bites....
Fish number one is flushed....and she is watching fish number two....
well now we flush that one...she is so stressed she takes off with her
boyfriend to get some fresh air.
So I sit here with the tip of my middle finger hurting,
hoping I am all cried out...I can't do this anymore....
and thinking whats his face has the right idea
grow old alone and you don't have to worry about being hurt.
I head to bed, I am going to read, well now I really don't want to read
the book I had just started, Men are from Mars Women are from Venus
Why read that one....I am going to take a cue from whats his face and
grow old alone...so I look for a new book and fine Sex, Drugs and Coco Puffs
I will read that, that sounds good....
I read for a while, then go to sleep, I wake up and go to the bath room
for some reason I decide I need to go check on the fish tank in
daughters room, she still isn't home yet....oh crap...reality bites...
Her favorite fish is now dead....I guess we will have to go shopping
for new fish tomorrow...so I text her and she texts me back she is
almost home....I hear her come into the house, and hear the sound
of the favorite fish being flushed....
My friend told me recently her theory about fish is
that god created fish to teach us about death....
REALITY BITES SOMETIMES.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
whirl wind evening...
What a whirl wind evening....texting with a friend and I decide to check craigslist for some stupid reason to look at the men out there.....well one catches my eye for some weird reason, he says he is in his 40's and retired early and the woman he was with had moved away for a job and alone again now.....I never answer these things, and craigslist sort of scares me....I registered on one of those sites until I found it it cost and I am too cheap and too broke to pay...
So I reply....and figure I won't hear back for a few days, well as I am texing her and emailing at the same time, because my friend decides I should look at more on craigslist and she is emailing me all sorts of links to ad's....I look up and there is an email in my in box...not from her, not from a family member but from him the "friend" that i am no longer friends with because he was hesitant...my heart stops, I am afraid to read this, I text her OMG I just got a email from your son, I am afraid, she says read it....you will be fine....and just as I go to open it, my other email says I have a reply from the craigslist guy....
so the I read the craigslist one first, he says he is in Camarillo and would love to meet at a starbucks but wonders if we should exchange pictures first...so i reply that would be fine sometime I am in Ventura and included my picture.
The subject line is "for what its worth", I am thinking...did he send me something serious or some sort of joke he forwarded....so now I open it....he says he doesn't know if he should be writing this, he doesnt know if anything he says will make things better, but they can't make anything worse....this is true.
He apologies, he never meant to hurt me and he did things that hurt me and he is sorry, he never meant to lie, but looking back he did say things count as lies, and he is sorry....OMG he said he was sorry...he said he believed his own lies, if you believed them then how are they lies, because you have always told yourself you can't feel this way, maybe they weren't lies and he just needs to realize this. But either way he said he was sorry. He says he isn't looking for forgiveness he just wants me to know he didn't play me he believed things he said also, and now he has a lot of stuff to learn about himself....
Wow this means a lot, I do question it, is it sincere, did someone tell him to write this, I have to believe it is sincere, he is a good guy, I have known him for ever and he isn't this way, he wouldn't do that again to me....and I think the first email was his way of trying to let me know he did things he wasn't proud of, it was just the way he worded it that wasn't good.
I ask myself did he read my blog....OMG you are being stupid, he always says he does NOT look at your FB page ever and he doesn't read blogs, he never would do this just because he read your blog, and even it he read your blog maybe it just opened his eyes to how much this whole thing hurt you....accept the apology and realize he never would have done it if he didn't mean it...and just because he is telling you he lied in the past that is not him, he doesn't lie about stuff that matters, and that is how you know he really felt something, he is just lying to himself now.
I have to respond to my former friend or what ever we are now, as much as I want to make him sit and wait i am sitting here in front of my computer and want to respond....in the mean time the Camarillo craigslist guy has emailed me back his picture...his email is signed Bob...and OMG he is NOT 40's he looks more like mid 50's and he looks like my dad's old friend from 20 years ago that was an old navy male chauvinist who I just wanted to smack every time I saw him...I can't respond to this guys now, OMG he wants to meet like this minute at a starbuck, just ignore him, maybe he will realize I am not interested.
I tell him thank you, thank you as long as this is sincere and not what you just think I need to hear even though it is what I want to hear, thank you, and forgiveness, well it will happen eventually. It take a lot for me not to forgive someone...of course I never forget, I only forgive. I tell him that if he believed them they I don't believe they were all lies, that I still believe he felt something and got scared. I tell him thank you for the apology and hope that in learning about himself he can learn to love and be loved. I ask him where do we go from here, part and never be friends, avoid each other in public and private situations, that I feel right now he got what he wanted me far away from him and out of his life for ever....I need him to be honest with me...and I wonder to myself what will he say, I also wonder if he doesn't want the friendship why...is he afraid of me still feeling something or is he afraid he will feel something and not know how to handle it. So I hit send and wonder if he will reply tonight or it will be a day....
Wow another email from Bob...I replied to your email through another account maybe you didn't get it...wow...2 minutes later another email from him...where are you...did I say something wrong...OMG what....so what I didn't reply to an email instantly....I will just ignore it and maybe he will realize I am not interested. I can't deal with him now....and now this has confirmed what I had been telling my "friend" all along when we were together, I do NOT want or NEED someone who is there 24-7....and I never helped him realize that by sending him so many texts, but that is me, when I think of something I just want to tell you and I am not always looking for a response....it is just a thought...
So I look back at my other account....wow his mom has send me three guys from craigslist to look at....not sure about any of them and not feeling hesitant myself....and there is a response from my "friend"
Completely honest? he has no idea where we go from here, if I need space he will give it to me....I respond and tell him, he was the one that was hesitant about the friendship and he was the one that gave out the huge sigh when I sat next to him at the movie event (which was my first clue before the email there was a problem and that sigh hurt so much). I don't need space I need the friendship back the way it was before he went to therapy...before he decided to tell me he manipulated me and had to boost my ego....he is the one that has to hide the friendship from his family members that don't approve (which is absolutely ridiculous!), we are adults and it is our decisions not theirs but they are they ones that also helped split us up in the first place...I don't care what anyone says these family members played a role....I tell him I don't want him to say "it might be best if we are friends" that only tells me he is trying to be friends because he doens't want to make his mom mad....so it is up to him....
he replies....he wants to discuss this with his therapist this week...I think that is good, I suggest he prints and takes both emails to the therapist, the manipulation one and this one...it concerns me that he only knows what he feels because it is what his therapist tells him he is feeling, but he will eventually learn how to figure out what he is feeling....
wow...feeling much better...OMG another email from Bob...hello where are you....OMG...so this morning I write him...sorry I had to leave and didn't respond but not interested, I do not need someone that wants to move this fast....sorry...no thank you....
I go to bed feeling much better trying not to question any thing, don't go backwards only forwards, he means he is sorry, yes he felt things he just doesn't realize it....yes you still love him and that is ok you will work through that...can I be his friend and still know I love him...heck yeah....been there done that, and hopefully I never made a fool of myself and I don't think I did because when I was younger and did this, these guys NEVER had a clue...woke up feeling more like myself...before the break up, before the bc pills that made me crazy, before the emails telling me that I needed my confidence built up....woke up feeling almost productive today....
where do i go from here...who knows...feeling like I don't want to even get out there and try to date...if Bob is any indication and the way I walked away from the last one feeling...really I just might take a cue from my "friend" and grow old alone....but all of this will take time....will I still cry once in a while over him...my "friend" if that is what we will be someday...yeah...will I love again who knows...will I have that person that when they kiss me I feel the tingles all the way to my toes who know....but I sit here feeling better, one email makes me feel terrible, another just like that make me feel a little more like a person and going on....even though it seems like an over night change it really isn't but it is just me telling myself I can do this...
So I reply....and figure I won't hear back for a few days, well as I am texing her and emailing at the same time, because my friend decides I should look at more on craigslist and she is emailing me all sorts of links to ad's....I look up and there is an email in my in box...not from her, not from a family member but from him the "friend" that i am no longer friends with because he was hesitant...my heart stops, I am afraid to read this, I text her OMG I just got a email from your son, I am afraid, she says read it....you will be fine....and just as I go to open it, my other email says I have a reply from the craigslist guy....
so the I read the craigslist one first, he says he is in Camarillo and would love to meet at a starbucks but wonders if we should exchange pictures first...so i reply that would be fine sometime I am in Ventura and included my picture.
The subject line is "for what its worth", I am thinking...did he send me something serious or some sort of joke he forwarded....so now I open it....he says he doesn't know if he should be writing this, he doesnt know if anything he says will make things better, but they can't make anything worse....this is true.
He apologies, he never meant to hurt me and he did things that hurt me and he is sorry, he never meant to lie, but looking back he did say things count as lies, and he is sorry....OMG he said he was sorry...he said he believed his own lies, if you believed them then how are they lies, because you have always told yourself you can't feel this way, maybe they weren't lies and he just needs to realize this. But either way he said he was sorry. He says he isn't looking for forgiveness he just wants me to know he didn't play me he believed things he said also, and now he has a lot of stuff to learn about himself....
Wow this means a lot, I do question it, is it sincere, did someone tell him to write this, I have to believe it is sincere, he is a good guy, I have known him for ever and he isn't this way, he wouldn't do that again to me....and I think the first email was his way of trying to let me know he did things he wasn't proud of, it was just the way he worded it that wasn't good.
I ask myself did he read my blog....OMG you are being stupid, he always says he does NOT look at your FB page ever and he doesn't read blogs, he never would do this just because he read your blog, and even it he read your blog maybe it just opened his eyes to how much this whole thing hurt you....accept the apology and realize he never would have done it if he didn't mean it...and just because he is telling you he lied in the past that is not him, he doesn't lie about stuff that matters, and that is how you know he really felt something, he is just lying to himself now.
I have to respond to my former friend or what ever we are now, as much as I want to make him sit and wait i am sitting here in front of my computer and want to respond....in the mean time the Camarillo craigslist guy has emailed me back his picture...his email is signed Bob...and OMG he is NOT 40's he looks more like mid 50's and he looks like my dad's old friend from 20 years ago that was an old navy male chauvinist who I just wanted to smack every time I saw him...I can't respond to this guys now, OMG he wants to meet like this minute at a starbuck, just ignore him, maybe he will realize I am not interested.
I tell him thank you, thank you as long as this is sincere and not what you just think I need to hear even though it is what I want to hear, thank you, and forgiveness, well it will happen eventually. It take a lot for me not to forgive someone...of course I never forget, I only forgive. I tell him that if he believed them they I don't believe they were all lies, that I still believe he felt something and got scared. I tell him thank you for the apology and hope that in learning about himself he can learn to love and be loved. I ask him where do we go from here, part and never be friends, avoid each other in public and private situations, that I feel right now he got what he wanted me far away from him and out of his life for ever....I need him to be honest with me...and I wonder to myself what will he say, I also wonder if he doesn't want the friendship why...is he afraid of me still feeling something or is he afraid he will feel something and not know how to handle it. So I hit send and wonder if he will reply tonight or it will be a day....
Wow another email from Bob...I replied to your email through another account maybe you didn't get it...wow...2 minutes later another email from him...where are you...did I say something wrong...OMG what....so what I didn't reply to an email instantly....I will just ignore it and maybe he will realize I am not interested. I can't deal with him now....and now this has confirmed what I had been telling my "friend" all along when we were together, I do NOT want or NEED someone who is there 24-7....and I never helped him realize that by sending him so many texts, but that is me, when I think of something I just want to tell you and I am not always looking for a response....it is just a thought...
So I look back at my other account....wow his mom has send me three guys from craigslist to look at....not sure about any of them and not feeling hesitant myself....and there is a response from my "friend"
Completely honest? he has no idea where we go from here, if I need space he will give it to me....I respond and tell him, he was the one that was hesitant about the friendship and he was the one that gave out the huge sigh when I sat next to him at the movie event (which was my first clue before the email there was a problem and that sigh hurt so much). I don't need space I need the friendship back the way it was before he went to therapy...before he decided to tell me he manipulated me and had to boost my ego....he is the one that has to hide the friendship from his family members that don't approve (which is absolutely ridiculous!), we are adults and it is our decisions not theirs but they are they ones that also helped split us up in the first place...I don't care what anyone says these family members played a role....I tell him I don't want him to say "it might be best if we are friends" that only tells me he is trying to be friends because he doens't want to make his mom mad....so it is up to him....
he replies....he wants to discuss this with his therapist this week...I think that is good, I suggest he prints and takes both emails to the therapist, the manipulation one and this one...it concerns me that he only knows what he feels because it is what his therapist tells him he is feeling, but he will eventually learn how to figure out what he is feeling....
wow...feeling much better...OMG another email from Bob...hello where are you....OMG...so this morning I write him...sorry I had to leave and didn't respond but not interested, I do not need someone that wants to move this fast....sorry...no thank you....
I go to bed feeling much better trying not to question any thing, don't go backwards only forwards, he means he is sorry, yes he felt things he just doesn't realize it....yes you still love him and that is ok you will work through that...can I be his friend and still know I love him...heck yeah....been there done that, and hopefully I never made a fool of myself and I don't think I did because when I was younger and did this, these guys NEVER had a clue...woke up feeling more like myself...before the break up, before the bc pills that made me crazy, before the emails telling me that I needed my confidence built up....woke up feeling almost productive today....
where do i go from here...who knows...feeling like I don't want to even get out there and try to date...if Bob is any indication and the way I walked away from the last one feeling...really I just might take a cue from my "friend" and grow old alone....but all of this will take time....will I still cry once in a while over him...my "friend" if that is what we will be someday...yeah...will I love again who knows...will I have that person that when they kiss me I feel the tingles all the way to my toes who know....but I sit here feeling better, one email makes me feel terrible, another just like that make me feel a little more like a person and going on....even though it seems like an over night change it really isn't but it is just me telling myself I can do this...
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