The Ring....

I took the ring off….My mother had a ring made for my sister, it was a combination of her wedding ring and I think her mothers and grandmothers rings. So my mom went to give it to my sister and my sister didn’t want it. My mom was hurt, she kept it and put it away. When my mom got sick and knew she would be passing soon she gave me the ring but made a point to tell me if my sister changed her mind I needed to give it to her. I never wore the ring I kept it put away. It represented so many hurtful feeling towards my mom…things she had said that hurt. I have worked long and hard to get past many (not all) of these things she had said and decided a few weeks ago to put the ring on. Today I took it off….while I had the ring on I have had some health scares, the heat spot in my leg no one can figure out, my heart rate rising for no reason that the doctors are checking into…and worst of all the love of my live broke up with me….today I decided I needed to take a chance I took the ring off. I believe in signs…I believe in luck…I believe those we have lost are around us…and even though I know they can’t direct our lives completely I think they help direct things. When I was younger after my mother died I was still angry and bitter and I believed that everything bad that happened to me was because of her…that she was causing it. Things got better in life after my friend/angel Linda passed and I believed she was helping me in my life. So here I am…my many many angels looking over me, my Grandmother, Linda, my dad…and yes my mom…but I need to take off the ring and see if something good instead of bad happens. I keep thinking these health scares that they find nothing causing it or that the problem is all of a sudden gone a way for my body telling me…keep having them look there is something big there. I had an ultra sound with a huge cyst and a pollup…went to another doctor a new ultrasound and both are gone….all of a sudden there is a heat spot in my leg and they do an ultra sound and an MRI and nothing…and each time I told myself it was getting better cancel the test or the doctor it gets worse like telling me…no you need to get this checked out. Then I go to the doctor to find out there was nothing on the MRI only to have my heart rate rise…for no reason …so now I am going to get a 24 hour heart monitor…and I know they will find nothing. Is this my body telling me something or is this my fear of being my mother. Either way...this all started once I had put that ring on…so time to take the ring off. Will it bring back the love of my life, I doubt it. Time for me to accept HE WILL NEVER BE BACK. But also time to take off the ring and see what happens.

Smell of Stale Coffee....

Stale coffee….

I sat here the other day sad over the breakup that had recently happened between me and my boyfriend. I sat here and watched TV, it was the Saturday after Thanksgiving, thinking of the past few Thanksgivings. All of a sudden I smell stale coffee….wow stale coffee…

So let me back up, remember Mrs. L who I wrote of long ago, but I don’t know if I wrote of her death and if I didn’t I will have to go back later and write of it…anyway Mrs. L passed away Oct 9, 2011. I miss her laugh and her words of wisdom. I digress, anyway Mrs. L was known by everyone for her coffee..she drank it all day long from the minute she woke to the minute she went to sleep. She would start a cup and then leave it someplace and make a new cup. I would joke with her and tell her when I was a kid and wanted to find her I would just follow the trail of half fill coffee cups.

So here I sit the Saturday after Thanksgiving crying a little over my lost love and I smell stale coffee…I text my friend and tell her, she responds  “your parents” no I told her it has to be Gwen. She asked if I talked to her…yes I did…

I spoke to Gwen for a few minutes, told her thanks for the hug (I thought of this as a hug from her), asked her what she was trying to tell me, was she telling me everything will be ok no matter what, was she telling me to move on he is never coming back, was she telling me be patient he will be back. I know she was there trying to tell me something about him, not about my health problem I had been having lately, only because I had just been wondering about what was happening with my boyfriend who had just broken my heart. So I had a few minutes with Gwen…got a hug from her and felt better for the rest of the day. Now I wait for a sign, a sign of what will happen, and I wait for a hug from my dad…..

Then Monday after work I find a penny on the ground…I believe it was a penny from heaven, who was it from?? Mom, dad, Linda or Gwen…all of them.

I am sure Gwen if thrilled that I wrote about this, she loved my blogging and she would love that I wrote about her since I hadn't written in a while.