I took the ring off….My mother had a ring made for my sister,
it was a combination of her wedding ring and I think her mothers and
grandmothers rings. So my mom went to give it to my sister and my sister didn’t
want it. My mom was hurt, she kept it and put it away. When my mom got sick and
knew she would be passing soon she gave me the ring but made a point to tell me
if my sister changed her mind I needed to give it to her. I never wore the ring
I kept it put away. It represented so many hurtful feeling towards my mom…things
she had said that hurt. I have worked long and hard to get past many (not all)
of these things she had said and decided a few weeks ago to put the ring on. Today
I took it off….while I had the ring on I have had some health scares, the heat
spot in my leg no one can figure out, my heart rate rising for no reason that
the doctors are checking into…and worst of all the love of my live broke up
with me….today I decided I needed to take a chance I took the ring off. I
believe in signs…I believe in luck…I believe those we have lost are around us…and
even though I know they can’t direct our lives completely I think they help
direct things. When I was younger after my mother died I was still angry and
bitter and I believed that everything bad that happened to me was because of
her…that she was causing it. Things got better in life after my friend/angel
Linda passed and I believed she was helping me in my life. So here I am…my many
many angels looking over me, my Grandmother, Linda, my dad…and yes my mom…but I
need to take off the ring and see if something good instead of bad happens. I
keep thinking these health scares that they find nothing causing it or that the
problem is all of a sudden gone a way for my body telling me…keep having them
look there is something big there. I had an ultra sound with a huge cyst and a
pollup…went to another doctor a new ultrasound and both are gone….all of a
sudden there is a heat spot in my leg and they do an ultra sound and an MRI and
nothing…and each time I told myself it was getting better cancel the test or
the doctor it gets worse like telling me…no you need to get this checked out.
Then I go to the doctor to find out there was nothing on the MRI only to have
my heart rate rise…for no reason …so now I am going to get a 24 hour heart
monitor…and I know they will find nothing. Is this my body telling me something
or is this my fear of being my mother. Either way...this all started once I had
put that ring on…so time to take the ring off. Will it bring back the love of
my life, I doubt it. Time for me to accept HE WILL NEVER BE BACK. But also time
to take off the ring and see what happens.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Smell of Stale Coffee....
Stale coffee….
I sat here the other day sad over the breakup that had recently
happened between me and my boyfriend. I sat here and watched TV, it was the Saturday
after Thanksgiving, thinking of the past few Thanksgivings. All of a sudden I
smell stale coffee….wow stale coffee…
So let me back up, remember Mrs. L who I wrote of long ago,
but I don’t know if I wrote of her death and if I didn’t I will have to go back
later and write of it…anyway Mrs. L passed away Oct 9, 2011. I miss her laugh
and her words of wisdom. I digress, anyway Mrs. L was known by everyone for her
coffee..she drank it all day long from the minute she woke to the minute she
went to sleep. She would start a cup and then leave it someplace and make a new
cup. I would joke with her and tell her when I was a kid and wanted to find her
I would just follow the trail of half fill coffee cups.
So here I sit the Saturday after Thanksgiving crying a
little over my lost love and I smell stale coffee…I text my friend and tell
her, she responds “your parents” no I
told her it has to be Gwen. She asked if I talked to her…yes I did…
I spoke to Gwen for a few minutes, told her thanks for the
hug (I thought of this as a hug from her), asked her what she was trying to
tell me, was she telling me everything will be ok no matter what, was she
telling me to move on he is never coming back, was she telling me be patient he
will be back. I know she was there trying to tell me something about him, not
about my health problem I had been having lately, only because I had just been
wondering about what was happening with my boyfriend who had just broken my
heart. So I had a few minutes with Gwen…got a hug from her and felt better for
the rest of the day. Now I wait for a sign, a sign of what will happen, and I
wait for a hug from my dad…..
Then Monday after work I find a penny on the ground…I believe
it was a penny from heaven, who was it from?? Mom, dad, Linda or Gwen…all of
them.
I am sure Gwen if thrilled that I wrote about this, she loved my blogging and she would love that I wrote about her since I hadn't written in a while.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Seven years of bad luck....
After my mom passed away my dad would say many times "Who broke the mirror for our 7 years of bad luck"...it was his way of dealing with the fact that we were both relieved that mom had passed and no more illness. Of those 7 years 4 of them were my high school years. During that time no one was allowed over to my house and if we had to go to my house for me to get something I would have them wait outside and run in. There have been people from my past....friends...who have tried to say they knew what I was going through because they we such good friends or that they were there through it all....NO ONE knew what I went through not even my dad, my dad would say quite often, he could never imagine how I felt during that time just like I couldn't imagine how he felt, which was very very true.
My dad had a rule in our house, you were to be involved in something during HS or you got a job, my brothers played sports and I was in band/flags. However I think at some point dad made sure I was involved in my band/flag because he knew it was part of my escape from home ....my hell?? the other escape was my babysitting. I didn't realize till the last few years that there were many parties and such that I wasn't invited to during high school, not sure why and I don't know that it makes any difference in who I would have been or even if I would have gone if I was invited. I know that not everyone could be best friends in high school, there were nice people and mean people and I hope I was one of the nice people. I know that there were people who were mean and they know it and there were people who were mean and had no clue. Anyway I think I was so involved in my life at home that I knew people had been mean to me but never wanted to worry about it or stress too much about it, sometimes I did and sometimes I just forgot about it.
So seven years.....seven years of my youth, spent going to hospitals, spent keeping secrets, escaping the hell, and growing up way too fast. Recently I got up the nerve to read my dad's letters, dad would write a weekly letter to friends and family to let the know what was going on with the "California McGaws". It was a reality check for me, to see these words in writing from my dad. Dad speaking of moms suicide attempt by mom and his point of view. Reading dad's words and how he loved her but at the same time wished it was all over...I knew that there were times dr's didn't expect mom to last long, however I didn't know close it was many times. Apparently there were a few times that mom never should have made it through the night. Dad had a rule no one except family could visit mom, PERIOD!! This was because mom had problems making the mind and the mouth work together after one one of her episodes of being in a coma. He wrote about this in his letter how it would upset mom if anyone came to see her and how long it would take the nurses, him or even me to calm her down. My mom had many stints in the hospital, some of then she would be awake but not aware of her surroundings and during these times the dr would call it an awake coma. I can remember talking my mom into eating jello, she hated jello, but I could convince her of this when she was in this state....the nurses loved it when I would come visit and do this. I also remember an incident my dad wrote of, where mom was convinced that me and Carol were locked in a closet, so he took me down the hospital after dinner when the nurse called to say she was upset because the Amy and Carol were locked in the closet, she kept calling me by my brothers name and thought I was him so as being my brother I had to convince her were weren't in the closet. She also spent many of my birthdays in the hospital. Now there were a very few selected number of people who know the secrets withing our house....one being the neighbor Mike who I spoke of in another post, who has since become my boyfriend (that's a whole different story). But there were those that knew she was in and out of the hospital but didn't know the extent or why.
Till the day dad passed he loved my mom and missed her. He would always wonder what would have happened if she hadn't gotten sick. So I get comfort in knowing they are in heaven together. It has been over 29 years since my mom passed away and it still make me cry to think of all that happened during those years.
My dad had a rule in our house, you were to be involved in something during HS or you got a job, my brothers played sports and I was in band/flags. However I think at some point dad made sure I was involved in my band/flag because he knew it was part of my escape from home ....my hell?? the other escape was my babysitting. I didn't realize till the last few years that there were many parties and such that I wasn't invited to during high school, not sure why and I don't know that it makes any difference in who I would have been or even if I would have gone if I was invited. I know that not everyone could be best friends in high school, there were nice people and mean people and I hope I was one of the nice people. I know that there were people who were mean and they know it and there were people who were mean and had no clue. Anyway I think I was so involved in my life at home that I knew people had been mean to me but never wanted to worry about it or stress too much about it, sometimes I did and sometimes I just forgot about it.
So seven years.....seven years of my youth, spent going to hospitals, spent keeping secrets, escaping the hell, and growing up way too fast. Recently I got up the nerve to read my dad's letters, dad would write a weekly letter to friends and family to let the know what was going on with the "California McGaws". It was a reality check for me, to see these words in writing from my dad. Dad speaking of moms suicide attempt by mom and his point of view. Reading dad's words and how he loved her but at the same time wished it was all over...I knew that there were times dr's didn't expect mom to last long, however I didn't know close it was many times. Apparently there were a few times that mom never should have made it through the night. Dad had a rule no one except family could visit mom, PERIOD!! This was because mom had problems making the mind and the mouth work together after one one of her episodes of being in a coma. He wrote about this in his letter how it would upset mom if anyone came to see her and how long it would take the nurses, him or even me to calm her down. My mom had many stints in the hospital, some of then she would be awake but not aware of her surroundings and during these times the dr would call it an awake coma. I can remember talking my mom into eating jello, she hated jello, but I could convince her of this when she was in this state....the nurses loved it when I would come visit and do this. I also remember an incident my dad wrote of, where mom was convinced that me and Carol were locked in a closet, so he took me down the hospital after dinner when the nurse called to say she was upset because the Amy and Carol were locked in the closet, she kept calling me by my brothers name and thought I was him so as being my brother I had to convince her were weren't in the closet. She also spent many of my birthdays in the hospital. Now there were a very few selected number of people who know the secrets withing our house....one being the neighbor Mike who I spoke of in another post, who has since become my boyfriend (that's a whole different story). But there were those that knew she was in and out of the hospital but didn't know the extent or why.
Till the day dad passed he loved my mom and missed her. He would always wonder what would have happened if she hadn't gotten sick. So I get comfort in knowing they are in heaven together. It has been over 29 years since my mom passed away and it still make me cry to think of all that happened during those years.
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