Five month ago….
Five months ago today my life changed.
Five months ago was March 27, 2011
Five months ago today seems like yesterday but also at the same time feelings like a lifetime ago….
Five months ago today I made the phone call to say please take dad off the machine…and NO we do not want any other options we do not want to put him on a trech, and I wanted to yell stop making me feel guilty….
Five months ago today I was supposed to be at a birthday party instead of spending the day on the phone with nurses, hospice, family and lastly with dad saying goodbye….
I don’t cry as much or as easily and I don’t know if it’s the Prozac or the numbness or the amount of time….
I am amazed at the people that think the minute the first month after someone passes is done you should be over it…really you never get over it. My mother passed over 27 years ago and I am not over it.
Five months ago today I became an orphan….wow…an orphan at 46.
Yes he was 86…lived a long life, but I only got 46 years of it with him. Dad was 40ish when I was born (duh)…and my parents were an average of 10-20 years older then most of my friend’s parents.
I have things in my house now that were my dads that I had joked with him over the years when he passed I would get….at first when I started moving these things in I thought they would upset me, but they make me feel better for the most part.
It has taken me five months, five months to not feel as guilty for not being next to dad instead of on the phone with him. I have to appreciate that I got that last weekend with him, that I got to see him and talk to him as he passed…I am getting there…slowly
I spent today doing nothing….just sitting around and feeling numb…
Five months ago today my life changed…
Hugs.
ReplyDeleteNumbness comes from many angles, loss of one is deep...just remember the joy...the love...and the numbness can become something more. Here's something I wrote to my mother, who died in my arms.
ReplyDelete“Pretty Bird” jcr
As sunset comes to another day,
I think about my “Pretty Bird” flown away.
Her song brought peace and strength and love;
A melody not soon to fade away.
The laughter…joy…that love.
Her smile…those tears…and pain.
From earliest memories…to dying day…she will remain;
Always a part of me; the babe of the babe.
And what a babe she was! Her colors, her wings…her joyous song!
That spirit…sent from above.
She made all those around her better…for knowing her.
Her spirit stays strong, in hearts, in minds, in souls…
In all she touched with her weakness, her timid ways, her humility;
Her quiet…and oh, the secretly strong woman she was:
In a way, only love could see.
With her back and her hands she provided;
With a finger or a word she controlled.
Always loving, always hoping, always praying…quietly.
Her time was an upstream swim against the river of life…
…and she would only wade in a lake.
But she lived fully, laughed often…and found joy in simple things.
Yes, there were frowns…life turned upside down…
Things done wrong…blind eyes turned…but never with blinders on:
She saw truth…and still could forgive!
Blessings…honor…a crooked smile to match hers…and love;
Just a few of the things she gave to me,
To you…and time immortal.
May peace be with her…and us all…as with any who remember;
As a child, we had a pretty bird:
So blue, and white and yellow…
One day I found her in her cage…then held her in my hands…caressing and speaking words of praise and undying love…both passed in just that way.
My pretty birds have both flown away…yet never far…not from me…
Their song rings on…
Their spirit lives…
For me, and you…to pass on!
John Charles Rhoades
(For My Mother 2-28-2009)
Sending you hugs Amy!
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