Fears and Phobia’s
So we all have them. A friend recently said to me wow all of yours you know where they come from and they all stem from your childhood.
This is so true, I have a few and I can explain them all…. Doberman pinchers, crickets/grasshoppers and stairs that have open slats (or gaps in something like gaps in a pier).
Stairs with openings between them or gaps in the pier, when I was in preschool, we had a collie Gypsy. Loved that dog. One day she came with my mom to pick me up from school as she ran up the stair to me she lost her footing and slipped through the stairs she was hurt. I don’t remember seeing Gypsy much after that, I remember seeing her limp around. After that when we came or went from school I made my mom go through the back where we climbed the hill and walked directly in with no stairs. To this day I hate stairs with gaps and piers with gaps.
Doberman pinchers, well again when I was little, I think now in kindergarten, we had the new puppy, Peggy, our Irish setter. My dad took her to obedience school, every Saturday I would go with them. I would sit on the open end of the station wagon and play and watch. Peggy was good in obedience school, until the final test when she got up and followed the instructor and failed. But anyway, there was one day when one of the instructors was out so they combined two classes, one of the dogs was a Doberman and he for some reason decided he did not like the Collie in front of him and proceeded to wrap his teeth around the rear end of the Collie. It took 6 adult men to get the Doberman off the Collie, the women were running around trying to get the kids to where they couldn’t see but I could still see, and to this day it is the ONLY dog I am afraid of.
Lastly…the crickets/grasshoppers. Well again, I was young, I think about 2nd grade heading to a friends house, which lived across Gonzales road. I was had just turned off my street onto Patricia to cross the street when something jumped on me, it was either a cricket or a grasshopper, not sure, but either way, I froze, I just stood there. I was terrified until I ran off and it was off of me. Now when I hear the sound of one I am terrified.
Anyway, these are my phobia’s and fears….I know they sound silly but they are mine.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Money makes the world go around
Money
Money…we all need it, we all want it, and some say it is the root of all evil….oh no that’s right I forgot I am the root of all evil….hahaha
Recently I was speaking with an old friend and mentioned that I needed to find a way to make more money, his comment was why do people think money will make them happy….well it isn’t that I want it to make me happy, I want it to feel secure. Let me back up here,
I grew up in a middle class home, where we never really needed for anything and never thought we didn’t have money for stuff, yet we were far from rich and far from getting everything we thought we wanted. If you asked dad for money for the movies, for jeans or anything else he gave it to you. I babysat quite often for extra money. Dad would say we don’t have money for stuff, but it wasn’t obvious stuff. We went on family vacations, nothing extravagant; we decorated the house, made upgrades and always had running cars. I always knew there were some money problems, but nothing to where we were always robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Then I moved out on my own, well sort of, moved in with my boyfriend, it was fine, I never worried I made enough to live, I made a decent living and always made sure I had enough to pay rent, utilities and food before having fun. Then I got engaged, well dad didn’t have a lot of money so I sold Tupperware to save for the wedding, even took out a small loan for it. We will still fine, the man I married worked as a mechanic, and we did just fine. Then it all started, the changing of the jobs the losing of the jobs. Here I was the main breadwinner. Then he had to have an emergency appendectomy on Christmas day with no insurance. The county would NOT work with us so we end up filing for bankruptcy. Then we had my daughter a few years later. It seemed it slowly got worse. All the promises of making big money never seemed to happen. The credit cards, buying, behind on the rent because he lost another job and no unemployment was starting to get to me, but I handled it. During that the way I handled things was working a second job. I worked a second job a few times.
I hesitated leaving my husband because of the money, then one day I realized what does it matter, he is the money with no money, not me. But by this time I had been laid off from my high paying job and now working for the school district making about 13.00 an hr and ONLY being paid once a month. But I could do this; I could move out on my own and take my daughter. So I make a budget and figure out how much I can afford. Now by this time we are behind on bills, because he has been unemployed with no disability or unemployment for over a year. We decide that I will not walk away with his bills and I will not be forced to cover all our bills on my own so we file bankruptcy AGAIN.
So I find a small one bedroom for my daughter, and me it is very near to her school, however not the best place, but it is only 850.00 a month. But it will do, we deal with the roaches and the wonderfully classy people in the complex. Then I find a job where I make more money, Jenna has changed schools and I can afford a bigger place. Now I am making 48k a year and I can afford a two bedroom for 1200.00 a month. It is cute, I like it, we can now afford and have a place where we can have a cat, actually two cats now.
So things are going good, I am now comfortable, I am actually saving a little money, I am not stressed over things, my daughter still doesn’t get everything she wants but it isn’t the constant no we can’t afford it. I am feeling secure…..then the bottom falls out. I get laid off. Well I am not too worried and not too stressed, I do it, I can make it work, I go through my savings and just at the end I find a job. GREAT. However it is less money. Now I am making 19.00 an hr, about 200.00 less a week. I make too much money to keep my daughter on healthy families and not enough to be able to afford to put her on mine at work. Someone at work says it is only 60.00 a pay period….OMG 60.00 a pay period. At the first of the month I only have about 200.00 for groceries, gas and meds till the middle of the month, yeah lets take 60.00 out of that, and in the middle of the month an average of 650.00, which is not a lot when you add in doctor visits, clothing (and with me losing weight I have bought more then normal), school books, school fees, any other expected costs…..like flee stuff for the cats, shots for the cats, all this stuff, oh and it is almost November, my car tags over almost 150.00. Plus lets not forget that at the end of this year my student loans will come due, the cheapest so far that I have been able to find to refi them and condense them is about 150.00 a month. Oh and add the fact that I am not taking enough out in taxes, just to survive. I will pay for that in the end. Have a friend ask you if you want to go out, to a movie, to dinner and you spend 20 minutes looking to see if you have any money left, if you have any money on the credit card, because you don’t want to say you can’t afford it, they will try to pay and that makes you feel terrible. My daughter spends all her waking time trying to find a job to relieve some of the stress from mom, but she is too young, no one will hire her till she is 18, two more months.
Does my ex help….yeah once in a blue moon, I almost had to pay him spousal support when we divorced, but then I would have ended up in jail for murder…hahaha….
So here I am to the conversation I had with my friend, where I say I love my job, I love the people I work with, the members of the club are fantastic, however I need to find a way to make more money. He says why do people equate money with happiness, no I equate money with security. I now have no savings, no retirement, and no security. Here I am trying to rebuild my life, to date, I have told the guy I am seeing that money is tight and he keeps encouraging me to find a new job that pays more. He doesn’t want me to be stressed over it. I don’t have many stressors anymore, but this is one. So there it is, money won’t buy me happiness it will buy me security. I just want to be able to go to the grocery store and not have to put stuff back…. usually the stuff I want for myself because I hate telling my daughter I couldn’t afford it. It is 2 months before Christmas and I am already stressing over it.
I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing this so that people sometimes can understand where I am coming from. I am proud of how I have survived, how I made it through unemployment, a divorce, two bankruptcies, and now getting back on my feet. I decided I would try to open a business on the side to make extra money but don’t know if that will take off. I just need to find a way to feel secure when it comes to finances. I am making less money, but the same if not more amount of bills as before.
Money…we all need it, we all want it, and some say it is the root of all evil….oh no that’s right I forgot I am the root of all evil….hahaha
Recently I was speaking with an old friend and mentioned that I needed to find a way to make more money, his comment was why do people think money will make them happy….well it isn’t that I want it to make me happy, I want it to feel secure. Let me back up here,
I grew up in a middle class home, where we never really needed for anything and never thought we didn’t have money for stuff, yet we were far from rich and far from getting everything we thought we wanted. If you asked dad for money for the movies, for jeans or anything else he gave it to you. I babysat quite often for extra money. Dad would say we don’t have money for stuff, but it wasn’t obvious stuff. We went on family vacations, nothing extravagant; we decorated the house, made upgrades and always had running cars. I always knew there were some money problems, but nothing to where we were always robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Then I moved out on my own, well sort of, moved in with my boyfriend, it was fine, I never worried I made enough to live, I made a decent living and always made sure I had enough to pay rent, utilities and food before having fun. Then I got engaged, well dad didn’t have a lot of money so I sold Tupperware to save for the wedding, even took out a small loan for it. We will still fine, the man I married worked as a mechanic, and we did just fine. Then it all started, the changing of the jobs the losing of the jobs. Here I was the main breadwinner. Then he had to have an emergency appendectomy on Christmas day with no insurance. The county would NOT work with us so we end up filing for bankruptcy. Then we had my daughter a few years later. It seemed it slowly got worse. All the promises of making big money never seemed to happen. The credit cards, buying, behind on the rent because he lost another job and no unemployment was starting to get to me, but I handled it. During that the way I handled things was working a second job. I worked a second job a few times.
I hesitated leaving my husband because of the money, then one day I realized what does it matter, he is the money with no money, not me. But by this time I had been laid off from my high paying job and now working for the school district making about 13.00 an hr and ONLY being paid once a month. But I could do this; I could move out on my own and take my daughter. So I make a budget and figure out how much I can afford. Now by this time we are behind on bills, because he has been unemployed with no disability or unemployment for over a year. We decide that I will not walk away with his bills and I will not be forced to cover all our bills on my own so we file bankruptcy AGAIN.
So I find a small one bedroom for my daughter, and me it is very near to her school, however not the best place, but it is only 850.00 a month. But it will do, we deal with the roaches and the wonderfully classy people in the complex. Then I find a job where I make more money, Jenna has changed schools and I can afford a bigger place. Now I am making 48k a year and I can afford a two bedroom for 1200.00 a month. It is cute, I like it, we can now afford and have a place where we can have a cat, actually two cats now.
So things are going good, I am now comfortable, I am actually saving a little money, I am not stressed over things, my daughter still doesn’t get everything she wants but it isn’t the constant no we can’t afford it. I am feeling secure…..then the bottom falls out. I get laid off. Well I am not too worried and not too stressed, I do it, I can make it work, I go through my savings and just at the end I find a job. GREAT. However it is less money. Now I am making 19.00 an hr, about 200.00 less a week. I make too much money to keep my daughter on healthy families and not enough to be able to afford to put her on mine at work. Someone at work says it is only 60.00 a pay period….OMG 60.00 a pay period. At the first of the month I only have about 200.00 for groceries, gas and meds till the middle of the month, yeah lets take 60.00 out of that, and in the middle of the month an average of 650.00, which is not a lot when you add in doctor visits, clothing (and with me losing weight I have bought more then normal), school books, school fees, any other expected costs…..like flee stuff for the cats, shots for the cats, all this stuff, oh and it is almost November, my car tags over almost 150.00. Plus lets not forget that at the end of this year my student loans will come due, the cheapest so far that I have been able to find to refi them and condense them is about 150.00 a month. Oh and add the fact that I am not taking enough out in taxes, just to survive. I will pay for that in the end. Have a friend ask you if you want to go out, to a movie, to dinner and you spend 20 minutes looking to see if you have any money left, if you have any money on the credit card, because you don’t want to say you can’t afford it, they will try to pay and that makes you feel terrible. My daughter spends all her waking time trying to find a job to relieve some of the stress from mom, but she is too young, no one will hire her till she is 18, two more months.
Does my ex help….yeah once in a blue moon, I almost had to pay him spousal support when we divorced, but then I would have ended up in jail for murder…hahaha….
So here I am to the conversation I had with my friend, where I say I love my job, I love the people I work with, the members of the club are fantastic, however I need to find a way to make more money. He says why do people equate money with happiness, no I equate money with security. I now have no savings, no retirement, and no security. Here I am trying to rebuild my life, to date, I have told the guy I am seeing that money is tight and he keeps encouraging me to find a new job that pays more. He doesn’t want me to be stressed over it. I don’t have many stressors anymore, but this is one. So there it is, money won’t buy me happiness it will buy me security. I just want to be able to go to the grocery store and not have to put stuff back…. usually the stuff I want for myself because I hate telling my daughter I couldn’t afford it. It is 2 months before Christmas and I am already stressing over it.
I am not writing this for people to feel sorry for me, I am writing this so that people sometimes can understand where I am coming from. I am proud of how I have survived, how I made it through unemployment, a divorce, two bankruptcies, and now getting back on my feet. I decided I would try to open a business on the side to make extra money but don’t know if that will take off. I just need to find a way to feel secure when it comes to finances. I am making less money, but the same if not more amount of bills as before.
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