A lost soul

A lost soul

My family consisted of 4 kids, my two older brothers who are respectfully 12 and 15 years older, and my sister who is 4 years older then me. My sister Carol was adopted at birth, why because after several years of trying to have a girl my parents gave up....and 4 years later low and behold, I came along....

My sister, such as sad lost soul, we lived in Maryland until I was in second grade when my dad was transferred to this little town in California, called Oxnard. Mom was not happy about this, but this was the best thing for my dads job.

I can remember my sister being just like every other kid for the most part, except she never really smiled - especially in pictures - which became a family joke, don't even try to get her to smile, she never would. We played together once in a while, but she liked to be by herself with her books and did NOT like playing with me and my friends. As we got older things changed, she always had migraines, and she really didn't want to do much of what my parents wanted....and she got away with it. There was a set rule in our house, either you participated in something at school, sports, band, choir, etc....or you had a job....and she was the ONLY one that wasn't forced to follow this rule, because no one ever wanted to upset her. Carol had a few really good friends and loved being involved in the church, I got her several babysitting jobs, yet she was always mad at me because they would call me back instead of her...this is because she was not good with kids and did not know how to sooth them when they are upset. She would spend her days at school then come home do homework and stay in her room, or force me to sit with her and watch hrs of Star Trek. Carol had a wonder talent, she was a GREAT artist, however she did not get good grades in any of her art classes because she refused to do what the teachers asked.

Even after graduating from high school she took a few classes at the local community college, however she did not drive, she had not gotten her license. So she took the bus, but not continue this for long. Here she was just around 20 years old, living at home, not working and not going to school full time.....what was she doing, well she was spending her days at a close friends house, I will call her Mrs L. Now this close friend was like a second mother to me, a wonderful woman who I loved to be at her house and with her family, her son was even my first boyfriend in middle school and we were still friends. But low and behold that would end, why because Carol told me I could not go over there anymore, because that was her place to hang out and her friend and I wasn't welcome there anymore. My daughter often asks me why I didn't fight her over it, well Carol had nothing, truly nothing in her life. By this time I had my license, marching band and lots of families I babysat for on a regular basis. She had NOTHING. So now Carol had the church and this family she had clung onto. Carol by this time had become convinced that she wasn't wanted in our family since I had come along they had the "real" daughter they wanted.

Then she meet a man at church, Ed, they started dating and everything was wonderful. They dated for only a short time before they became engaged. So here was Carol and engaged woman who didn't drive and her 17 year old sister, figured I would be at least in the wedding, well at first I wasn't, the only reason I was in the wedding and made maid of honor was because of the wonderful woman Mrs. L who Carol had clung onto, she made Carol put me in the wedding and make me maid of honor, and this was ONLY after I had spent days and days driving her around everywhere to buy and plan her wedding. My cousin in PA was getting the same week as Carol, and my grandmother that lived in Ohio was given the choice of weddings and she choice to come to Carols. Carol was marring an Oriental man with a HUGE family.

So here she was married and my parents felt like they didn't have to worry about her too much. Well she hung out at Mrs L's all the time, I had no idea what was going on in Carol's life unless she needed a ride some where. At some point Carol decided she needed to get her drivers license and since her husband had a stick she HAD to borrow my car to learn how to drive, I had to work my schedule around hers, I don't remember if she ever did follow through and get the license. Shortly later my mom passed away.

Then Carol stopped returning calls, we started getting calls from some of the people at the church asking what was going on she wouldn't return their calls or answer the door. Well about that time my eldest brother Andrew came to visit, and he went over there to see her, he asked her what she wanted to do, she had thought about being a nurse, well he offered to pay for college for her to go to school and I had just graduated from HS and he offered for me to drive her to and from school. Well she didn't take up his offer and she got worse. So here she is no answering many of our calls and spending time at the church, which I had stopped doing and Mrs. L's house. I was working full time by this point for an eye dr, I remember walking through the waiting room and seeing the new assistant minister, and I knew who she was, so I stopped and said hi "and then said to her so do you hear from my sister Carol much any more" and she had the nerve to say to me that I just did not understand what she had gone through growing up in a house with an Alcoholic parent.....OMG did she not hear me say sister, how stupid is this woman....so I didn't say anything, walked to a back office and called the church. I asked for Jim the head Minister, who I had known for years and very calmly told him what had just happened and told him if she I ever see her again and she EVER says anything like that to me, I won't be calling him I will be calling the head of the Presbytery Council.

By this time my dad had decided to sell our house and he and I moved into a mobile home, since it was now just the two of us. As we were moving I found Carols diary, and I did the one thing my dad told me NOT to, I read it. Yeah that wasn't real smart, everything in there was misconstrued. I was the one that had spend hours taking care of my sick mom while Carol was in her room, and she would write that she was the one taking care of mom and I was in my room. So dad and I moved and my dad got a hold of the journal and threw it away....

A few months later we were told that Carol and her husband were moving out of town, about an hr or so north of us. So shortly after that I remember this day very well, my father was still working and had a business trip, he called to say he was there safely however he had taken longer to get there because the engines had gone out on the plane just after take off and they had to make an emergency landing. Minutes after i hung up the phone with my dad the phone rings again, it is Ed, Carols husband, what does he want. Well he wants to yell at me and say terrible things of course. He tells me that she wants nothing to do with ANYONE in our family any more that that me AMY was the reason she had so many problems that I was mean to her and I caused all her problems, and to tell my dad not to contact them any more, he had Ed's work address and that was only to be used in case of an emergency.

So that was it, no more Carol, I had to tell my dad this when he got home, dad was devastated. Well my dad didn't stick to the rules, he sent my sister cards, birthday, valentines, Christmas and any other ones he could think of. This went on for a long time; during this time I heard a rumor that Carol had been institutionalized for a spell. Then all of a sudden one day my dad gets a call from a nice lady at Ed's work telling him that they had moved and he left no forwarding address. So my dad still didn't give up, he sent the cards to Ed's mothers address, until several years later when they came back returned as no one there by that name, we were sure that his mother had passed away. So now my dad just wonders. Well I know where she is several years ago I googled her name and found an address, wrote a long letter enclosed pictures and what have you and it was returned, written in hand "no one here by that name" well I know that is not true, it was written by her or Ed. They since have moved but they aren't very smart, their new address shows up when I google them.....have I tried again, no way. Why not, her loss.

Recently I have been VERY lucky to reconnect with Mrs L. I love her very much and I am so glad that between reconnecting on line and a weird situation that happened has brought us back together. Mrs. L was very shocked when I told her why I stopped coming around, and she told me many things that I did not know my sister had done or said, and those things made me sad, sad that she said some of these things or acted in this manner. But I am very happy for finding my long lost mom...and my daughter has found a wonder grandmother in Mrs. L....we both lover her very much and her entire family.