I am sitting here writing about my dad's bypass.....and all of a sudden my life hits me...like a lead balloon....OMG my life...the load I carry on my shoulders....its OK Amy can take it....
Amy can take it....Amy will take care of everything.....
mom takes a bottle of pills...why...because she believes Amy hates her....Amy is a tough cookie she will be fine my dad tells the dr and he puts his arm around me and tells me not to worry she didn't mean it.....
Amy watched her mom sneak a drink from her bottom dresser, she tells her dad, he says not to worry he will take care of it...but don't let it upset you Amy...you are a tough cookie you can take it.
dad has to go out of town on business...Amy can leave school to get his paycheck....take it to the bank to deposit and make it back in time for her next class....
bills need to be taken care of at home....Amy can write out the checks, balance the check book, fill out the insurance forms and dad will sign them all....but it was ok....i would do this while dad cooked my favorite dinner...
mom is sick again....Amy will take care of things....
Carol is having another "everyone hates me" episode....so Amy gets blamed by Carol for all her problems....its ok Amy...you know she doesn't mean it, you are a tough cookie...
Carol wants to learn how to drive....we will just let her use the car that Amy drives....
Amy is sick, not old enough to drive yet....so she walks to the dr and walks home sick in the rain....its ok....dad of course comes home to take mom to the dr and drives right past me in the pouring rain and doesn't see me....oh well, its ok Amy he didn't do it on purpose....
Grocery shopping and cleaning the house...it is Saturday....Amy will get up early and go with dad...because Amy enjoys this....or that is what I let dad believe because it makes him happy....
Carol is getting married, Amy will help her, drive her all over, pick stuff up, and then be told Carol really didn't want her in her wedding, the only reason Amy is in the wedding is because she was told she had to .......
Mom is sick again...she will take care of her in between work and school.....
Mom decides to make deathbed confessions to me...Amy can take these secrets....yeah thats the way mom...put things in my head that you make me question and wonder about for the rest of my life...thanks...I tell my brothers, they laugh, give me a break they were just stories she was telling you....yeah I don't think so...
Dad wants to sell the house and move....Amy is in charge of selling all the extra stuff to get rid of...dad tells her what to sell, yet he doesn't remember these things and gets mad at stuff that is sold and how much it is sold for.....
Dad has a new girl friends, she doesn't want kids around.....time for Amy to move out....how does she know, she finds the news paper on the counter every morning with the ads for apartments for rent circled......
Dad is having financial problems and asks for help from his kids, well here we go....we all talk it is decided there needs to be rules and an agreement, and Amy is going to visit dad, she will present it to him...on her birthday, she is strong it will be fine....well it wasn't a huge dad blow up and the papers ripped up and no help for dad...but thats ok Amy can take it...she is a tough cookie....
Dad is having by-pass surgery, I sit there calling everyone the woman next to me says...all men in your family...i asked how she knew...she says women would have made a phone tree work...one brother doesn't even remember the conversation that I told him I was going to AZ to be there for dad...but he is at the movies with his kids, I am cleaning dad's house, it is ok, everyone else isn't here, they have a right to go to dinner and the movies...OMG I AM MAD AT THEM...well that did pass...but when my brother called back you can tell he was a little scared when he said hello....I guess it was the yelling message in his answering machine that gave it away that Amy was a little stressed...oh well Amy can take it...
Amy can take it...Amy can take it....well I guess I should be thankful...this is what made me the tough cookie I am today...the woman that finally figured out she needed out of a bad marriage and wasn't afraid to go out on her own...HELL I was the one supporting the family to begin with.
Amy learned to be a tough cookie at a very young age, some days I really don't want to be the tough cookie....some days I just want to be the one that everyone takes care of and that doesn't have to worry if she can take it....other days, well other days it is the norm for me....
Amy is a tough cookie....she can take it...she can handle anything....
Remind me never to call ANYONE a tough cookie.....
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
its 6:45.....
Its 6:45 and the phone rings like it does EVERY night....don't get me wrong this is not a bad thing....well not always....and let me say that my dad is 84 years old
my dad used call every few days after he moved away to Arizona....it was fine...there were days that I couldn't talk and sometimes he would understand and other days he wouldn't. I can remember once when he got upset because I couldn't talk because I had to pay attention to the 5 year old demanding my attention.....
There have times in the past that i have tuned dad out....because almost every day hearing about his entire day....yeah sometimes i tuned him out....I learned my lesson with this once because I didn't pay attention and then when he didn't call me the next night I had not realized it was the day he was having medical procedure....nothing big....but he was tired and didn't call....
Then a few years ago--i had started paying attention by this time and he was not calling every day yet at this point--he was to have a angioplasty done on his heart....he had been tired and having some problems, the dr thought he had a mild heartache.
The dr was told to call me when the procedure was done, so my phone rings, its a dr...and he says to me that they have schedule the bi-pass for 8 that night....wait what bi-pass....well the surgeon called me before the heart dr and I didn't know that the angioplasty didn't work....OMG I need to be there...my boss said go....so I jump on a plane to AZ...
well due to emergencies and what have you my fathers bi-pass was postponed till the morning...I got to his house and early in the morning I made it to the hospital just as they wheeled him out of his room....insisting they can't take him till Amy is there....
So I wait...wait and get updates....I have to call everyone...brother 1, brother 2, uncle 1, uncle 2, aunt...cousin....a lady says to me....mostly men in your family, I said yeah how do you know....women would do a phone tree....I told her what makes it worse is sometime the brothers get pissed if I call one before the other....
did is fine...it was a triple bi-pass and he will have to stay in the hospital then a recovery place for a while....I go home...brother 1 has a business trip the week dad is in he recovery center and checks on him....cousin is traveling through AZ during the first week home....he is fine....
HOWEVER now I have ordered him to check in with me every day....even if I am not home he is to leave a message on the machine....
so it has now been a few years everything is going smoothly....
its 6:45 the phone rings...guess who....so how are you ...fine...how about you...fine...well not really...why dad what happened....I fell today....
he was helping a neighbor trim her tree and turned the wrong way and went down to the ground...his hip hurts the neighbor helped him up....he feels beat up and brusied and beaten but will be fine he says.....yes these phone calls are good, but they do stress me a little and make me worry....
I love my family and I love my dad....I don't know how I will handle it when I get that call...everyone around me tells me that I will be a wreck and fall apart...I think it depends on the situation and where I am in my life....
I keep telling myself that it is wonderful that my dad is completely honest with me....I tell myself that is it great that my daughter is completely honest with me about her life and how she feels about mine....yeah it is 6:45 the phone rings and the girls yell "its grandpa"....
my dad used call every few days after he moved away to Arizona....it was fine...there were days that I couldn't talk and sometimes he would understand and other days he wouldn't. I can remember once when he got upset because I couldn't talk because I had to pay attention to the 5 year old demanding my attention.....
There have times in the past that i have tuned dad out....because almost every day hearing about his entire day....yeah sometimes i tuned him out....I learned my lesson with this once because I didn't pay attention and then when he didn't call me the next night I had not realized it was the day he was having medical procedure....nothing big....but he was tired and didn't call....
Then a few years ago--i had started paying attention by this time and he was not calling every day yet at this point--he was to have a angioplasty done on his heart....he had been tired and having some problems, the dr thought he had a mild heartache.
The dr was told to call me when the procedure was done, so my phone rings, its a dr...and he says to me that they have schedule the bi-pass for 8 that night....wait what bi-pass....well the surgeon called me before the heart dr and I didn't know that the angioplasty didn't work....OMG I need to be there...my boss said go....so I jump on a plane to AZ...
well due to emergencies and what have you my fathers bi-pass was postponed till the morning...I got to his house and early in the morning I made it to the hospital just as they wheeled him out of his room....insisting they can't take him till Amy is there....
So I wait...wait and get updates....I have to call everyone...brother 1, brother 2, uncle 1, uncle 2, aunt...cousin....a lady says to me....mostly men in your family, I said yeah how do you know....women would do a phone tree....I told her what makes it worse is sometime the brothers get pissed if I call one before the other....
did is fine...it was a triple bi-pass and he will have to stay in the hospital then a recovery place for a while....I go home...brother 1 has a business trip the week dad is in he recovery center and checks on him....cousin is traveling through AZ during the first week home....he is fine....
HOWEVER now I have ordered him to check in with me every day....even if I am not home he is to leave a message on the machine....
so it has now been a few years everything is going smoothly....
its 6:45 the phone rings...guess who....so how are you ...fine...how about you...fine...well not really...why dad what happened....I fell today....
he was helping a neighbor trim her tree and turned the wrong way and went down to the ground...his hip hurts the neighbor helped him up....he feels beat up and brusied and beaten but will be fine he says.....yes these phone calls are good, but they do stress me a little and make me worry....
I love my family and I love my dad....I don't know how I will handle it when I get that call...everyone around me tells me that I will be a wreck and fall apart...I think it depends on the situation and where I am in my life....
I keep telling myself that it is wonderful that my dad is completely honest with me....I tell myself that is it great that my daughter is completely honest with me about her life and how she feels about mine....yeah it is 6:45 the phone rings and the girls yell "its grandpa"....
where do i go from here
So now I am trying to figure out my where do I go from here.....
In a few years I will be alone....daughter will be off to college and i will be alone....
so do i want to be alone....do i need to be alone.....
i always thought i wanted someone in my life....i think i do...i don't need someone...i want someone there is a HUGE difference...for a while when Jenna was younger I was convienced I wanted a guy with kids, so I could have the more kids I never had....now a few years later and being older I don't know if I want or need that...it would be nice if he had some grown kids maybe so we could eventually enjoy grandkids...but I will have Jennas ......eventually, but NOT now
what type of person do i want....after i left the ex i had this list of this "ideal" mate....what the hell was i thinking.....if you are only looking for the ideal person on the list you can miss out on someone wonderful....
so what that he doesn't like sports.....i really don't watch sci-fy....does this matter...NO...but don't force me to give up what i like and only do what you like....I will watch that horror movie sometimes, but expect my head to be burried in your chest 80% of the time....and don't get pissed that i do this...if you think it is funny or cute...I think I might like that if you are loving about it....
the thing that matters are the core values....the beliefs....their character....not the little things like what you like to watch....heck if you really care for each other you figure a way around this....you don't ask the other person to change, but you do hope that if you like something they will at least give it a try and you do the same for them...heck don't tell me that gay marriage should be banned and then expect me to be happy...yes you are welcome to your opinion....but there are some things that i care about....pot...make it legal and tax it....values...no road rage...i will get out of the car walk home and never talk to you again...
what else matters.....this is what i ask myself....do they have to love you the same amount that you love them....sorry I don't think that is possible for everyone to love each other the exact same amount...and how do you measure this....you ask a mother is she loves all her kids the same she will say yes....but really, does she.....she may feel she loves them the same....but at the same time she may feel closer to one child then the others or feel a different connection with one of her kids....
so what else....OMG a good man....a man that doesn't berate me for doing something that might have been stupid or an accident....I mean really do you think I meant to drive into the curb and blow a tire...yeah I am that stupid....its one thing to joke and tease its another thing just to be mean....
a man that respects me....that I respect.....
a man who makes me feel safe and secure...not just emotionally but in other ways....i have a little control problem when it comes to ridding in cars....the biggest indicator to me is if I feel safe when he drives on the freeway or around town....also secure financially...i am not asking for a guy to support me..I just don't want to have to support him....
a friend told me recently when she started dating her bf that her big test was a movie...if they that person would sit and watch Princess Bride with her....wow that would be a good test for me, make him watch Princess Bride, Caddy Shack and Love Actually.....I realized I had only watched Princess Bride movie once even though I love it...why because the ex didn't and every time I went to watch it he would come in tell me it was stupid and change the channel....I don't mind watching stuff the other person likes to watch even if it isn't stuff I don't like too much....just don't tell me the things I watch are stupid and tell me what I should be watching or like....
what else....family....family needs to be important to him, he needs to get along with his family and his family needs to like me....I don't need to be a shinning star....I just can't be the root of all evil for NO REASON what so ever again.....
likes to have some fun....we go out and isn't a party pooper....is the person that people enjoy to invite to the party....not the person that causes me not to be invited to the party....
so what else....I don't know....i think a spark...a spark when he kisses me....and that when we see each other we both smile....
In a few years I will be alone....daughter will be off to college and i will be alone....
so do i want to be alone....do i need to be alone.....
i always thought i wanted someone in my life....i think i do...i don't need someone...i want someone there is a HUGE difference...for a while when Jenna was younger I was convienced I wanted a guy with kids, so I could have the more kids I never had....now a few years later and being older I don't know if I want or need that...it would be nice if he had some grown kids maybe so we could eventually enjoy grandkids...but I will have Jennas ......eventually, but NOT now
what type of person do i want....after i left the ex i had this list of this "ideal" mate....what the hell was i thinking.....if you are only looking for the ideal person on the list you can miss out on someone wonderful....
so what that he doesn't like sports.....i really don't watch sci-fy....does this matter...NO...but don't force me to give up what i like and only do what you like....I will watch that horror movie sometimes, but expect my head to be burried in your chest 80% of the time....and don't get pissed that i do this...if you think it is funny or cute...I think I might like that if you are loving about it....
the thing that matters are the core values....the beliefs....their character....not the little things like what you like to watch....heck if you really care for each other you figure a way around this....you don't ask the other person to change, but you do hope that if you like something they will at least give it a try and you do the same for them...heck don't tell me that gay marriage should be banned and then expect me to be happy...yes you are welcome to your opinion....but there are some things that i care about....pot...make it legal and tax it....values...no road rage...i will get out of the car walk home and never talk to you again...
what else matters.....this is what i ask myself....do they have to love you the same amount that you love them....sorry I don't think that is possible for everyone to love each other the exact same amount...and how do you measure this....you ask a mother is she loves all her kids the same she will say yes....but really, does she.....she may feel she loves them the same....but at the same time she may feel closer to one child then the others or feel a different connection with one of her kids....
so what else....OMG a good man....a man that doesn't berate me for doing something that might have been stupid or an accident....I mean really do you think I meant to drive into the curb and blow a tire...yeah I am that stupid....its one thing to joke and tease its another thing just to be mean....
a man that respects me....that I respect.....
a man who makes me feel safe and secure...not just emotionally but in other ways....i have a little control problem when it comes to ridding in cars....the biggest indicator to me is if I feel safe when he drives on the freeway or around town....also secure financially...i am not asking for a guy to support me..I just don't want to have to support him....
a friend told me recently when she started dating her bf that her big test was a movie...if they that person would sit and watch Princess Bride with her....wow that would be a good test for me, make him watch Princess Bride, Caddy Shack and Love Actually.....I realized I had only watched Princess Bride movie once even though I love it...why because the ex didn't and every time I went to watch it he would come in tell me it was stupid and change the channel....I don't mind watching stuff the other person likes to watch even if it isn't stuff I don't like too much....just don't tell me the things I watch are stupid and tell me what I should be watching or like....
what else....family....family needs to be important to him, he needs to get along with his family and his family needs to like me....I don't need to be a shinning star....I just can't be the root of all evil for NO REASON what so ever again.....
likes to have some fun....we go out and isn't a party pooper....is the person that people enjoy to invite to the party....not the person that causes me not to be invited to the party....
so what else....I don't know....i think a spark...a spark when he kisses me....and that when we see each other we both smile....
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Time to smile....and laugh....
I am sitting here realizing that my first few posts were quite serious....then I started trying to see how many quick happy memories I could come up with and how far back and they might not all sound good, but they make me smile when I remember them....lets see now
Going to a girl friends house when i was bout 5 or 6, having my mom not know where i am and sending the cops looking for me....the cop asking me to get in his car and me saying "my mommy told me never to get in a car with a stranger", he promptly shut his door and drove very slowly down the street next to me....when my mom started to get upset I wouldn't get in his car he told her don't ever get mad at her for that....I bet he still tells this story to school kids to get the point across....oh and my brother getting in trouble for not looking for me better...hahahaha
my red white and blue bedroom....mom to a 5 year old...what color do you want us to paint your room....5 year old, I don't know red white and blue.....room red and white wall paper stripes, blue ceiling with glow in the dark starts, and a white bed spread with an American eagle...
going to the school fair, asking if I can go into the fish throw room, and reminding the boys who decided that they were only letting the older kids in who my dad was....the man in charge of the event.....
being pushed out my sisters bedroom window to move the snow away from the front door so my brothers could get out and go to the store.
watching TV on the floor with my brothers....love I dream of Genie, Bewitched and shows like that.
riding in my brothers new car...the TRW.....and he driving FAST
taking a whole bottle of baby asprin so I didn't have to wake my mom...then my mom and brother driving me to the hopsital in my brother TRW....with the roof stuck down in the pouring rain.....
my brother bringing my mom her new puppy....Peggy
moving from MD to CA via car....stopping at family, friends, grand canyon (for 5 minutes before the snow came), and lots of fun
family vacation back to MD via car....
spending a summer with my cousins and my aunt and uncle
a surprise birthday party my mom threw for me....but she wasn't good at surprises...I knew
trying to throw a surprise party for Mrs L....baking and decorating my first real cake for her...and one of kids helping me forgot to invite half the people I told them....and it being just a bunch of us kids and none of her adult friends.....yet she still loved it....(mind you I think i was around 10 or 12)
saving all my green M&M's to give to Mrs L as a joke, opening my drawer to discover my sister ate them all....
may wonderful days, afternoons, evenings and weekends at Mrs L's.
The L family....and their house....
my first kiss....my first boy friend
hangin out with first bf and friends in his room...(yeah making out...but that was it) and in the jacuzzi....
many many times in hs....football games, midnight football, church youth group, bonfires at the beach, band competitions, bus rides, friends, babysitting
the families I babysat for
my first real car
visiting my brothers, after middle school, high school, when my niece was born....and their many visits to california
finding out I was pregnant
holding my daughter for the first time
watching my daughter crawl, walk, eat for the first time, listening to her talk the first time...our after work conversations when she was a baby
watching my daughter grow up, giggle and laugh
my daughters first day of preschool
my BFF Linda....all the great memories with Linda....I still miss her, her smile and her laughter very much....
preschool, 5th grade middle school graduation of my daughter.
Getting my friend for her 40th bday...wrote on the car...decorated her office...and she had no idea it was me...
my divorce....hahahaha
my daughter and I going to my brothers for spring break....we had a blast, base ball, bbq's friends and family
going to my brothers for christmas, snow, friends and family
well a first kiss again with a great man that I chased away by coming on too strong....but many great memories with him in a very short period of time...
reconnecting with Mrs L and realizing we never lost that wonderful friendship and connection
Wonderful conversations of catching up with Mrs. L
A wonderful birthday with my daugher and Mrs. L.
Knowing that the L family is still like my family and Mrs. L saying it is just fine that I call her mom.....
Going to a girl friends house when i was bout 5 or 6, having my mom not know where i am and sending the cops looking for me....the cop asking me to get in his car and me saying "my mommy told me never to get in a car with a stranger", he promptly shut his door and drove very slowly down the street next to me....when my mom started to get upset I wouldn't get in his car he told her don't ever get mad at her for that....I bet he still tells this story to school kids to get the point across....oh and my brother getting in trouble for not looking for me better...hahahaha
my red white and blue bedroom....mom to a 5 year old...what color do you want us to paint your room....5 year old, I don't know red white and blue.....room red and white wall paper stripes, blue ceiling with glow in the dark starts, and a white bed spread with an American eagle...
going to the school fair, asking if I can go into the fish throw room, and reminding the boys who decided that they were only letting the older kids in who my dad was....the man in charge of the event.....
being pushed out my sisters bedroom window to move the snow away from the front door so my brothers could get out and go to the store.
watching TV on the floor with my brothers....love I dream of Genie, Bewitched and shows like that.
riding in my brothers new car...the TRW.....and he driving FAST
taking a whole bottle of baby asprin so I didn't have to wake my mom...then my mom and brother driving me to the hopsital in my brother TRW....with the roof stuck down in the pouring rain.....
my brother bringing my mom her new puppy....Peggy
moving from MD to CA via car....stopping at family, friends, grand canyon (for 5 minutes before the snow came), and lots of fun
family vacation back to MD via car....
spending a summer with my cousins and my aunt and uncle
a surprise birthday party my mom threw for me....but she wasn't good at surprises...I knew
trying to throw a surprise party for Mrs L....baking and decorating my first real cake for her...and one of kids helping me forgot to invite half the people I told them....and it being just a bunch of us kids and none of her adult friends.....yet she still loved it....(mind you I think i was around 10 or 12)
saving all my green M&M's to give to Mrs L as a joke, opening my drawer to discover my sister ate them all....
may wonderful days, afternoons, evenings and weekends at Mrs L's.
The L family....and their house....
my first kiss....my first boy friend
hangin out with first bf and friends in his room...(yeah making out...but that was it) and in the jacuzzi....
many many times in hs....football games, midnight football, church youth group, bonfires at the beach, band competitions, bus rides, friends, babysitting
the families I babysat for
my first real car
visiting my brothers, after middle school, high school, when my niece was born....and their many visits to california
finding out I was pregnant
holding my daughter for the first time
watching my daughter crawl, walk, eat for the first time, listening to her talk the first time...our after work conversations when she was a baby
watching my daughter grow up, giggle and laugh
my daughters first day of preschool
my BFF Linda....all the great memories with Linda....I still miss her, her smile and her laughter very much....
preschool, 5th grade middle school graduation of my daughter.
Getting my friend for her 40th bday...wrote on the car...decorated her office...and she had no idea it was me...
my divorce....hahahaha
my daughter and I going to my brothers for spring break....we had a blast, base ball, bbq's friends and family
going to my brothers for christmas, snow, friends and family
well a first kiss again with a great man that I chased away by coming on too strong....but many great memories with him in a very short period of time...
reconnecting with Mrs L and realizing we never lost that wonderful friendship and connection
Wonderful conversations of catching up with Mrs. L
A wonderful birthday with my daugher and Mrs. L.
Knowing that the L family is still like my family and Mrs. L saying it is just fine that I call her mom.....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The month from hell or my imgination??
Well March has come and gone and I THINK I survived another one...I have always convinced myself that March is a bad month for me...the bad luck of months. This year wasn't any different, have I brought this onto myself, brought the bad "vibes" in around me during this month to make this all happen. The other day at work my boss called me into her office, I had made a bunch of little stupid mistakes all March long...she said she understood because I had stuff going on (I will touch on that in a minute), but that she needed my mind back into the game....and not wanting to make excuses I gave the "March is my bad month" comment.....well she really didn't buy it when I told things that have happened in the last few years "sounds like life to me"....oh well.
So I was sitting in bed last night, trying to figure out where I got this idea and how far back I have been convinced that March is the month I will be domed in (remember this when I die, and look at this, I bet it will be in the month of March), so how long....I mean really from birth...well that would make a little sense, since I was born in March, but come on now--really.
HOLLY CRAP!!! I know why!!
Well I can go back to around 6th grade or so......see my mom was an alcoholic, and due to her drinking she became very ill (this is a completely different posting......)my mom started with a gallbladder surgery and went from there....cirrhosis of the liver, what 6th grader knows what that is, especially back in the 70's, I mean really. So why just March, why is March the month I hate, I mean it is the month of my birthday it should be a blast.
Well many times my mom would go into the hospital just for a small problem and while she was in there it would get worse, I don't remember a time she went in and wasn't either in ICU of SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility...now I think called extended care), and when did she usually end up there...you got it MARCH!! I can remember her being upset because she couldn't go out and buy me a present and told my dad to let me go to the store and buy a few dresses for Easter and my birthday and I had to bring them in to show her.
Well that isn't that bad, so what your mom wasn't drinking and she was in the hospital....well those stays weren't always that easy, the dr in trying to explain the state of mind she was in sometimes called it an awake coma. Wow this dr could have written a knovel on my mom. Well what the hell is an awake coma, she was awake and talking to you however she wasn't really there. She would be looking at me, calling me Ronnie and screaming that Amy was locked in a closet. I think during those years I was called Ronnie more then Amy sometime.....the other thing was my mom hated jello (even though that was her thing to make), the nurses loved it when I came for my visits, because some how I could convince her she loved it and get her to eat the jello....yeah a real talent, to con my mother into something....
Lets not also forget the year that my aunt, uncle and cousins came to visit and my cousins had their birthday in March also. Went out to dinner on my birthday, she got the waitress to give her daughters special deserts and shoved my dad and I at the end of the table and we got ignored, then got home to the cake she ordered that said "Happy Birthday Laura, Wendy and Amy" and the and Amy almost didn't fit.
So yeah I am adult now...so now why, my mom passed just after high school. So then I meet my ex and hey he remembered my birthday and bought me something, this might be a good thing, so what that he gave it to me in the bag he bought.....
Well it never got any better from there, I don't remember what happened every year but I do know that is has continued...one year losing my anniversary band, SEVERAL years the ex forgetting, other things that I know happened, and the last few years, I have had flat tires, I have had things break, well last year on my birthday I got a flat and it was found I had a whole in my radiator, then at a school function for my daughter I was yelled at by another parent, who just acting more immature then the teenagers there.
Well this year, the one thing that I going on that my boss refered to .....I was sort of seeing this guy (who I have known since about 2nd grade and his entire family) and he really didn't want a relationship and I really didn't realize how much I had fallen for him until he decided we needed to end it, and when the first weekend of March. Now was my birthday horrible NO....because of the break up I was able to reconnect with his mother who I love very much and is like a mother to me, and she took me to lunch and for a facial, it was a wonderful day. But my head was not at work for weeks, and I made many stupid little mistakes, oh well that is all over with and my mind is back, of course it is because it is April!!
So I was sitting in bed last night, trying to figure out where I got this idea and how far back I have been convinced that March is the month I will be domed in (remember this when I die, and look at this, I bet it will be in the month of March), so how long....I mean really from birth...well that would make a little sense, since I was born in March, but come on now--really.
HOLLY CRAP!!! I know why!!
Well I can go back to around 6th grade or so......see my mom was an alcoholic, and due to her drinking she became very ill (this is a completely different posting......)my mom started with a gallbladder surgery and went from there....cirrhosis of the liver, what 6th grader knows what that is, especially back in the 70's, I mean really. So why just March, why is March the month I hate, I mean it is the month of my birthday it should be a blast.
Well many times my mom would go into the hospital just for a small problem and while she was in there it would get worse, I don't remember a time she went in and wasn't either in ICU of SNF (Skilled Nursing Facility...now I think called extended care), and when did she usually end up there...you got it MARCH!! I can remember her being upset because she couldn't go out and buy me a present and told my dad to let me go to the store and buy a few dresses for Easter and my birthday and I had to bring them in to show her.
Well that isn't that bad, so what your mom wasn't drinking and she was in the hospital....well those stays weren't always that easy, the dr in trying to explain the state of mind she was in sometimes called it an awake coma. Wow this dr could have written a knovel on my mom. Well what the hell is an awake coma, she was awake and talking to you however she wasn't really there. She would be looking at me, calling me Ronnie and screaming that Amy was locked in a closet. I think during those years I was called Ronnie more then Amy sometime.....the other thing was my mom hated jello (even though that was her thing to make), the nurses loved it when I came for my visits, because some how I could convince her she loved it and get her to eat the jello....yeah a real talent, to con my mother into something....
Lets not also forget the year that my aunt, uncle and cousins came to visit and my cousins had their birthday in March also. Went out to dinner on my birthday, she got the waitress to give her daughters special deserts and shoved my dad and I at the end of the table and we got ignored, then got home to the cake she ordered that said "Happy Birthday Laura, Wendy and Amy" and the and Amy almost didn't fit.
So yeah I am adult now...so now why, my mom passed just after high school. So then I meet my ex and hey he remembered my birthday and bought me something, this might be a good thing, so what that he gave it to me in the bag he bought.....
Well it never got any better from there, I don't remember what happened every year but I do know that is has continued...one year losing my anniversary band, SEVERAL years the ex forgetting, other things that I know happened, and the last few years, I have had flat tires, I have had things break, well last year on my birthday I got a flat and it was found I had a whole in my radiator, then at a school function for my daughter I was yelled at by another parent, who just acting more immature then the teenagers there.
Well this year, the one thing that I going on that my boss refered to .....I was sort of seeing this guy (who I have known since about 2nd grade and his entire family) and he really didn't want a relationship and I really didn't realize how much I had fallen for him until he decided we needed to end it, and when the first weekend of March. Now was my birthday horrible NO....because of the break up I was able to reconnect with his mother who I love very much and is like a mother to me, and she took me to lunch and for a facial, it was a wonderful day. But my head was not at work for weeks, and I made many stupid little mistakes, oh well that is all over with and my mind is back, of course it is because it is April!!
Saturday, April 3, 2010
A lost soul
A lost soul
My family consisted of 4 kids, my two older brothers who are respectfully 12 and 15 years older, and my sister who is 4 years older then me. My sister Carol was adopted at birth, why because after several years of trying to have a girl my parents gave up....and 4 years later low and behold, I came along....
My sister, such as sad lost soul, we lived in Maryland until I was in second grade when my dad was transferred to this little town in California, called Oxnard. Mom was not happy about this, but this was the best thing for my dads job.
I can remember my sister being just like every other kid for the most part, except she never really smiled - especially in pictures - which became a family joke, don't even try to get her to smile, she never would. We played together once in a while, but she liked to be by herself with her books and did NOT like playing with me and my friends. As we got older things changed, she always had migraines, and she really didn't want to do much of what my parents wanted....and she got away with it. There was a set rule in our house, either you participated in something at school, sports, band, choir, etc....or you had a job....and she was the ONLY one that wasn't forced to follow this rule, because no one ever wanted to upset her. Carol had a few really good friends and loved being involved in the church, I got her several babysitting jobs, yet she was always mad at me because they would call me back instead of her...this is because she was not good with kids and did not know how to sooth them when they are upset. She would spend her days at school then come home do homework and stay in her room, or force me to sit with her and watch hrs of Star Trek. Carol had a wonder talent, she was a GREAT artist, however she did not get good grades in any of her art classes because she refused to do what the teachers asked.
Even after graduating from high school she took a few classes at the local community college, however she did not drive, she had not gotten her license. So she took the bus, but not continue this for long. Here she was just around 20 years old, living at home, not working and not going to school full time.....what was she doing, well she was spending her days at a close friends house, I will call her Mrs L. Now this close friend was like a second mother to me, a wonderful woman who I loved to be at her house and with her family, her son was even my first boyfriend in middle school and we were still friends. But low and behold that would end, why because Carol told me I could not go over there anymore, because that was her place to hang out and her friend and I wasn't welcome there anymore. My daughter often asks me why I didn't fight her over it, well Carol had nothing, truly nothing in her life. By this time I had my license, marching band and lots of families I babysat for on a regular basis. She had NOTHING. So now Carol had the church and this family she had clung onto. Carol by this time had become convinced that she wasn't wanted in our family since I had come along they had the "real" daughter they wanted.
Then she meet a man at church, Ed, they started dating and everything was wonderful. They dated for only a short time before they became engaged. So here was Carol and engaged woman who didn't drive and her 17 year old sister, figured I would be at least in the wedding, well at first I wasn't, the only reason I was in the wedding and made maid of honor was because of the wonderful woman Mrs. L who Carol had clung onto, she made Carol put me in the wedding and make me maid of honor, and this was ONLY after I had spent days and days driving her around everywhere to buy and plan her wedding. My cousin in PA was getting the same week as Carol, and my grandmother that lived in Ohio was given the choice of weddings and she choice to come to Carols. Carol was marring an Oriental man with a HUGE family.
So here she was married and my parents felt like they didn't have to worry about her too much. Well she hung out at Mrs L's all the time, I had no idea what was going on in Carol's life unless she needed a ride some where. At some point Carol decided she needed to get her drivers license and since her husband had a stick she HAD to borrow my car to learn how to drive, I had to work my schedule around hers, I don't remember if she ever did follow through and get the license. Shortly later my mom passed away.
Then Carol stopped returning calls, we started getting calls from some of the people at the church asking what was going on she wouldn't return their calls or answer the door. Well about that time my eldest brother Andrew came to visit, and he went over there to see her, he asked her what she wanted to do, she had thought about being a nurse, well he offered to pay for college for her to go to school and I had just graduated from HS and he offered for me to drive her to and from school. Well she didn't take up his offer and she got worse. So here she is no answering many of our calls and spending time at the church, which I had stopped doing and Mrs. L's house. I was working full time by this point for an eye dr, I remember walking through the waiting room and seeing the new assistant minister, and I knew who she was, so I stopped and said hi "and then said to her so do you hear from my sister Carol much any more" and she had the nerve to say to me that I just did not understand what she had gone through growing up in a house with an Alcoholic parent.....OMG did she not hear me say sister, how stupid is this woman....so I didn't say anything, walked to a back office and called the church. I asked for Jim the head Minister, who I had known for years and very calmly told him what had just happened and told him if she I ever see her again and she EVER says anything like that to me, I won't be calling him I will be calling the head of the Presbytery Council.
By this time my dad had decided to sell our house and he and I moved into a mobile home, since it was now just the two of us. As we were moving I found Carols diary, and I did the one thing my dad told me NOT to, I read it. Yeah that wasn't real smart, everything in there was misconstrued. I was the one that had spend hours taking care of my sick mom while Carol was in her room, and she would write that she was the one taking care of mom and I was in my room. So dad and I moved and my dad got a hold of the journal and threw it away....
A few months later we were told that Carol and her husband were moving out of town, about an hr or so north of us. So shortly after that I remember this day very well, my father was still working and had a business trip, he called to say he was there safely however he had taken longer to get there because the engines had gone out on the plane just after take off and they had to make an emergency landing. Minutes after i hung up the phone with my dad the phone rings again, it is Ed, Carols husband, what does he want. Well he wants to yell at me and say terrible things of course. He tells me that she wants nothing to do with ANYONE in our family any more that that me AMY was the reason she had so many problems that I was mean to her and I caused all her problems, and to tell my dad not to contact them any more, he had Ed's work address and that was only to be used in case of an emergency.
So that was it, no more Carol, I had to tell my dad this when he got home, dad was devastated. Well my dad didn't stick to the rules, he sent my sister cards, birthday, valentines, Christmas and any other ones he could think of. This went on for a long time; during this time I heard a rumor that Carol had been institutionalized for a spell. Then all of a sudden one day my dad gets a call from a nice lady at Ed's work telling him that they had moved and he left no forwarding address. So my dad still didn't give up, he sent the cards to Ed's mothers address, until several years later when they came back returned as no one there by that name, we were sure that his mother had passed away. So now my dad just wonders. Well I know where she is several years ago I googled her name and found an address, wrote a long letter enclosed pictures and what have you and it was returned, written in hand "no one here by that name" well I know that is not true, it was written by her or Ed. They since have moved but they aren't very smart, their new address shows up when I google them.....have I tried again, no way. Why not, her loss.
Recently I have been VERY lucky to reconnect with Mrs L. I love her very much and I am so glad that between reconnecting on line and a weird situation that happened has brought us back together. Mrs. L was very shocked when I told her why I stopped coming around, and she told me many things that I did not know my sister had done or said, and those things made me sad, sad that she said some of these things or acted in this manner. But I am very happy for finding my long lost mom...and my daughter has found a wonder grandmother in Mrs. L....we both lover her very much and her entire family.
My family consisted of 4 kids, my two older brothers who are respectfully 12 and 15 years older, and my sister who is 4 years older then me. My sister Carol was adopted at birth, why because after several years of trying to have a girl my parents gave up....and 4 years later low and behold, I came along....
My sister, such as sad lost soul, we lived in Maryland until I was in second grade when my dad was transferred to this little town in California, called Oxnard. Mom was not happy about this, but this was the best thing for my dads job.
I can remember my sister being just like every other kid for the most part, except she never really smiled - especially in pictures - which became a family joke, don't even try to get her to smile, she never would. We played together once in a while, but she liked to be by herself with her books and did NOT like playing with me and my friends. As we got older things changed, she always had migraines, and she really didn't want to do much of what my parents wanted....and she got away with it. There was a set rule in our house, either you participated in something at school, sports, band, choir, etc....or you had a job....and she was the ONLY one that wasn't forced to follow this rule, because no one ever wanted to upset her. Carol had a few really good friends and loved being involved in the church, I got her several babysitting jobs, yet she was always mad at me because they would call me back instead of her...this is because she was not good with kids and did not know how to sooth them when they are upset. She would spend her days at school then come home do homework and stay in her room, or force me to sit with her and watch hrs of Star Trek. Carol had a wonder talent, she was a GREAT artist, however she did not get good grades in any of her art classes because she refused to do what the teachers asked.
Even after graduating from high school she took a few classes at the local community college, however she did not drive, she had not gotten her license. So she took the bus, but not continue this for long. Here she was just around 20 years old, living at home, not working and not going to school full time.....what was she doing, well she was spending her days at a close friends house, I will call her Mrs L. Now this close friend was like a second mother to me, a wonderful woman who I loved to be at her house and with her family, her son was even my first boyfriend in middle school and we were still friends. But low and behold that would end, why because Carol told me I could not go over there anymore, because that was her place to hang out and her friend and I wasn't welcome there anymore. My daughter often asks me why I didn't fight her over it, well Carol had nothing, truly nothing in her life. By this time I had my license, marching band and lots of families I babysat for on a regular basis. She had NOTHING. So now Carol had the church and this family she had clung onto. Carol by this time had become convinced that she wasn't wanted in our family since I had come along they had the "real" daughter they wanted.
Then she meet a man at church, Ed, they started dating and everything was wonderful. They dated for only a short time before they became engaged. So here was Carol and engaged woman who didn't drive and her 17 year old sister, figured I would be at least in the wedding, well at first I wasn't, the only reason I was in the wedding and made maid of honor was because of the wonderful woman Mrs. L who Carol had clung onto, she made Carol put me in the wedding and make me maid of honor, and this was ONLY after I had spent days and days driving her around everywhere to buy and plan her wedding. My cousin in PA was getting the same week as Carol, and my grandmother that lived in Ohio was given the choice of weddings and she choice to come to Carols. Carol was marring an Oriental man with a HUGE family.
So here she was married and my parents felt like they didn't have to worry about her too much. Well she hung out at Mrs L's all the time, I had no idea what was going on in Carol's life unless she needed a ride some where. At some point Carol decided she needed to get her drivers license and since her husband had a stick she HAD to borrow my car to learn how to drive, I had to work my schedule around hers, I don't remember if she ever did follow through and get the license. Shortly later my mom passed away.
Then Carol stopped returning calls, we started getting calls from some of the people at the church asking what was going on she wouldn't return their calls or answer the door. Well about that time my eldest brother Andrew came to visit, and he went over there to see her, he asked her what she wanted to do, she had thought about being a nurse, well he offered to pay for college for her to go to school and I had just graduated from HS and he offered for me to drive her to and from school. Well she didn't take up his offer and she got worse. So here she is no answering many of our calls and spending time at the church, which I had stopped doing and Mrs. L's house. I was working full time by this point for an eye dr, I remember walking through the waiting room and seeing the new assistant minister, and I knew who she was, so I stopped and said hi "and then said to her so do you hear from my sister Carol much any more" and she had the nerve to say to me that I just did not understand what she had gone through growing up in a house with an Alcoholic parent.....OMG did she not hear me say sister, how stupid is this woman....so I didn't say anything, walked to a back office and called the church. I asked for Jim the head Minister, who I had known for years and very calmly told him what had just happened and told him if she I ever see her again and she EVER says anything like that to me, I won't be calling him I will be calling the head of the Presbytery Council.
By this time my dad had decided to sell our house and he and I moved into a mobile home, since it was now just the two of us. As we were moving I found Carols diary, and I did the one thing my dad told me NOT to, I read it. Yeah that wasn't real smart, everything in there was misconstrued. I was the one that had spend hours taking care of my sick mom while Carol was in her room, and she would write that she was the one taking care of mom and I was in my room. So dad and I moved and my dad got a hold of the journal and threw it away....
A few months later we were told that Carol and her husband were moving out of town, about an hr or so north of us. So shortly after that I remember this day very well, my father was still working and had a business trip, he called to say he was there safely however he had taken longer to get there because the engines had gone out on the plane just after take off and they had to make an emergency landing. Minutes after i hung up the phone with my dad the phone rings again, it is Ed, Carols husband, what does he want. Well he wants to yell at me and say terrible things of course. He tells me that she wants nothing to do with ANYONE in our family any more that that me AMY was the reason she had so many problems that I was mean to her and I caused all her problems, and to tell my dad not to contact them any more, he had Ed's work address and that was only to be used in case of an emergency.
So that was it, no more Carol, I had to tell my dad this when he got home, dad was devastated. Well my dad didn't stick to the rules, he sent my sister cards, birthday, valentines, Christmas and any other ones he could think of. This went on for a long time; during this time I heard a rumor that Carol had been institutionalized for a spell. Then all of a sudden one day my dad gets a call from a nice lady at Ed's work telling him that they had moved and he left no forwarding address. So my dad still didn't give up, he sent the cards to Ed's mothers address, until several years later when they came back returned as no one there by that name, we were sure that his mother had passed away. So now my dad just wonders. Well I know where she is several years ago I googled her name and found an address, wrote a long letter enclosed pictures and what have you and it was returned, written in hand "no one here by that name" well I know that is not true, it was written by her or Ed. They since have moved but they aren't very smart, their new address shows up when I google them.....have I tried again, no way. Why not, her loss.
Recently I have been VERY lucky to reconnect with Mrs L. I love her very much and I am so glad that between reconnecting on line and a weird situation that happened has brought us back together. Mrs. L was very shocked when I told her why I stopped coming around, and she told me many things that I did not know my sister had done or said, and those things made me sad, sad that she said some of these things or acted in this manner. But I am very happy for finding my long lost mom...and my daughter has found a wonder grandmother in Mrs. L....we both lover her very much and her entire family.
Marriage and divorce
When I was about 21 years old a friend of mine fixed me up with this guy, Dave. I liked him, he was nice, we dated, found out he was a liar about certain things, like he had a trust fund, but didn't, things like that. Broke up got back together. Well my dad was now a widower and he was dating this woman who wanted no kids around, I was still living at home, now at this point I am going to school part time and working full time, not sure how that came about, but I think that was at the encouragement of my dad because he was retiring and couldn't pay all my schooling and expenses anymore even though it was community college at this point....career and school choices that is a whole completely different story. Well the woman my dad was dating Melba (my friends and I would call her Melba toast, or Melba Melba because she was so fat you had to say it twice...) she hated me being there....all of a sudden I would find in the morning the news paper open to the want adds with apartments circled in them....well I decided to take the hint and move in with my boyfriend. After about a year he wasn't happy...he missed his mommy....so he moved back home and i was stranded, moved back in with dad for a week while I found a room to rent.
So I found a room to rent and moved in....not the best roommate and just dealt with it the best I could. Was still dating Dave, but was living my life, by this time I was just working full time and not going to school, this is because when I lived with Dave previously he had whined so much about me being gone at night to school I dropped out....yeah not the smartest move.
So I went on vacation to visit my brothers on the east coast, I had a blast, except for the fact that Dave called constantly (this was before cell phones) and he was driving me and my brothers nuts. At one point during the trip I had actually thought about quitting my job and moving there to live, I was so close, I had several of my brothers friends even say they would help me find a job.Well I went back to CA anyway, my dad and Dave picked me up at the airport, got home and Dave decided we needed to go shopping, I was tired but didn't want to fight, well he was shopping for an engagement ring for me...he never really asked, just took me shopping, so I guess I never really had the chance to say no. Why did I go through with it, not that I loved him, its that I was afraid I would be alone for the rest of my life.
See guys never really asked me out much or looked my way much, I can count the number of times on one hand, the middle school boyfriend, the friend who asked me out in hs that he was such a good friend that is all I ever thought of him as, the guy whose mother gave me rides home from school, who was nice, but not my type and I had a crush on someone else, and the guy who I made out with in HS my freshman year that he was just using me, that when I saw him years later and had grown up, lost a few lbs (maybe 12) he wanted to date me all of a sudden. Otherwise, there were guys I liked but they had NO clue or didn't like me at all.....
So I married him, and he had such huge dreams, yeah dreams. For the most part I got along with his family, except his mother never liked me....not because I stole her baby boy....because I was smarter then her, really that is why. So I married him in 1988 and left him in 2003. Yes almost 16 years of him, this man that couldn't keep a job - I think at one point he had a record 5 in one year, he never graduated and couldn't read or write. Yet all the time all I ever heard was he was going to have his own business some day. When we first got married it was he was going to buy some land and build a house, gave up on that one early. I supported us for 95% of the marriage. My life being married well, hated by my mother in law, being told I didn't know what I was doing half the time, taking care of all his ailments, there were many, and being blamed by my mother in law for them (did you know I can cause appendicitis), paying for the medical problems because of the changing of the jobs he did not have ins many times, working two jobs just to keep things going many times, including only 8 months after my daughter was born, and I never thought of the future, I was too busy worring about the present. Did he ever work a second job, well if you ask him he will say yes, ask me, for 30 seconds, he delivered pizza's for 2 weeks and it was too much to handle. He had many problems with depression, he got medicated and had problems with that, he tried to kill himself a few times, and once even told me it was because he was in love with my best friend who had died and he couldn't live without her.
I was done, I was done with the stress, the jobs, covering for him. He was working as a custodian at my daughters school and had flaked out and not shown up for work and this was just a month after he was too sick to come to the school and pass out a fund raiser during the day he was in charge of, so I did it, during my lunch hour in my heals - thank god for the kids that helped - running up and down the halls of the school making sure i was back to work in time....I was DONE! I had just started a new job, also at the school district and I was already embarased by people knowing he had flaked out on showing up to work. So I gave him ONE more chance, his best friend was retiring and I told him I was leaving for the surprise party at 4 and he needed to be home by then, well I went alone, and at 4:30 he called me and asked where I was, he swore I said 4:30 but he also had the invite in his hand that said 4, give me a break, he did it on purpose, he didn't like parties and didn't want to go. That night I moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room.
Within about 2 months I was in my own apartment, a little one bedroom roach place that my daughter and I moved into. He stayed in the house we rented he was convienced he could afford to stay there, that lasted 2 months, and only that long because he was friends with the landlord and did work for him on the side. The divorce well that took a while, when I announced I was leaving him my brothers were great, loaned me money to move out with told me what ever I needed and offered to help pay for a lawyer. Well I went and saw a lawyer, told my brothers how much then told Dave that my brothers were going to pay....he panicked and said he would do what ever I asked if my brothers weren't involved....so I went to self help...300.00 that is great I can save that. Well I had that in my hands at least twice and had to spend it on other things, like tires. The other thing was I wanted to file bankruptcy before the divorce and that took time....and that one he screwed up also. Anyway, 6 years later the BK is finalized and I have the money and I file for the divorce through self help. Great, however I go in and I am told since he shows no income I would have to pay spousal support there is NO WAY IN HELL I tell him, and the lady there was great, she played with the numbers and he agreed to report his income (being paid under the table) and now I don't have to pay spousal support and he doesn't have to pay child support, and I really don't care, I just want it over and done with.
NOW I AM A FREE WOMAN! wow...so what does that get me....here....it is better I don't have to deal with his shit, do I want to find someone yeah, but will I settle NO WAY! Do I care if I grow old alone...a little but not enough to end up with someone like him again!!
So I found a room to rent and moved in....not the best roommate and just dealt with it the best I could. Was still dating Dave, but was living my life, by this time I was just working full time and not going to school, this is because when I lived with Dave previously he had whined so much about me being gone at night to school I dropped out....yeah not the smartest move.
So I went on vacation to visit my brothers on the east coast, I had a blast, except for the fact that Dave called constantly (this was before cell phones) and he was driving me and my brothers nuts. At one point during the trip I had actually thought about quitting my job and moving there to live, I was so close, I had several of my brothers friends even say they would help me find a job.Well I went back to CA anyway, my dad and Dave picked me up at the airport, got home and Dave decided we needed to go shopping, I was tired but didn't want to fight, well he was shopping for an engagement ring for me...he never really asked, just took me shopping, so I guess I never really had the chance to say no. Why did I go through with it, not that I loved him, its that I was afraid I would be alone for the rest of my life.
See guys never really asked me out much or looked my way much, I can count the number of times on one hand, the middle school boyfriend, the friend who asked me out in hs that he was such a good friend that is all I ever thought of him as, the guy whose mother gave me rides home from school, who was nice, but not my type and I had a crush on someone else, and the guy who I made out with in HS my freshman year that he was just using me, that when I saw him years later and had grown up, lost a few lbs (maybe 12) he wanted to date me all of a sudden. Otherwise, there were guys I liked but they had NO clue or didn't like me at all.....
So I married him, and he had such huge dreams, yeah dreams. For the most part I got along with his family, except his mother never liked me....not because I stole her baby boy....because I was smarter then her, really that is why. So I married him in 1988 and left him in 2003. Yes almost 16 years of him, this man that couldn't keep a job - I think at one point he had a record 5 in one year, he never graduated and couldn't read or write. Yet all the time all I ever heard was he was going to have his own business some day. When we first got married it was he was going to buy some land and build a house, gave up on that one early. I supported us for 95% of the marriage. My life being married well, hated by my mother in law, being told I didn't know what I was doing half the time, taking care of all his ailments, there were many, and being blamed by my mother in law for them (did you know I can cause appendicitis), paying for the medical problems because of the changing of the jobs he did not have ins many times, working two jobs just to keep things going many times, including only 8 months after my daughter was born, and I never thought of the future, I was too busy worring about the present. Did he ever work a second job, well if you ask him he will say yes, ask me, for 30 seconds, he delivered pizza's for 2 weeks and it was too much to handle. He had many problems with depression, he got medicated and had problems with that, he tried to kill himself a few times, and once even told me it was because he was in love with my best friend who had died and he couldn't live without her.
I was done, I was done with the stress, the jobs, covering for him. He was working as a custodian at my daughters school and had flaked out and not shown up for work and this was just a month after he was too sick to come to the school and pass out a fund raiser during the day he was in charge of, so I did it, during my lunch hour in my heals - thank god for the kids that helped - running up and down the halls of the school making sure i was back to work in time....I was DONE! I had just started a new job, also at the school district and I was already embarased by people knowing he had flaked out on showing up to work. So I gave him ONE more chance, his best friend was retiring and I told him I was leaving for the surprise party at 4 and he needed to be home by then, well I went alone, and at 4:30 he called me and asked where I was, he swore I said 4:30 but he also had the invite in his hand that said 4, give me a break, he did it on purpose, he didn't like parties and didn't want to go. That night I moved out of our bedroom and into the spare room.
Within about 2 months I was in my own apartment, a little one bedroom roach place that my daughter and I moved into. He stayed in the house we rented he was convienced he could afford to stay there, that lasted 2 months, and only that long because he was friends with the landlord and did work for him on the side. The divorce well that took a while, when I announced I was leaving him my brothers were great, loaned me money to move out with told me what ever I needed and offered to help pay for a lawyer. Well I went and saw a lawyer, told my brothers how much then told Dave that my brothers were going to pay....he panicked and said he would do what ever I asked if my brothers weren't involved....so I went to self help...300.00 that is great I can save that. Well I had that in my hands at least twice and had to spend it on other things, like tires. The other thing was I wanted to file bankruptcy before the divorce and that took time....and that one he screwed up also. Anyway, 6 years later the BK is finalized and I have the money and I file for the divorce through self help. Great, however I go in and I am told since he shows no income I would have to pay spousal support there is NO WAY IN HELL I tell him, and the lady there was great, she played with the numbers and he agreed to report his income (being paid under the table) and now I don't have to pay spousal support and he doesn't have to pay child support, and I really don't care, I just want it over and done with.
NOW I AM A FREE WOMAN! wow...so what does that get me....here....it is better I don't have to deal with his shit, do I want to find someone yeah, but will I settle NO WAY! Do I care if I grow old alone...a little but not enough to end up with someone like him again!!
Where to begin
Well I have never done anything like this. At the encouragement of a friend I have decided to start a blog, why my life above the septic tank....well some days you just feel like that is where you are living, above the septic tank, also, my mom, as much as we had problems, loved Erma Bombeck. So what a better title to come up with. What will my blog be about, who knows, my life growing up with an alcohoilc mother, the sister who was adopted and had such bad mental problems she disowned the family and moved away. The stupid marriage, that the ONLY good thing out of it was my beautiful daughter, the divorce, trying to figure out my life, where I am going, what I want, and what type of person I think I want in my life....yeah that might be some of it. Read it, don't read it, enjoy it, think I am crazy also....hey its my life, you can take it or leave it but this is the way it is, not real exciting, but hey it keeps me going.....
Oh and as far as my writing, I do not claim to be a writer, or even very good at it, and I will try to correct my terrible spelling as best as possible.....hey I take care of numbers all day, I do not claim to know how to write....
Oh and as far as my writing, I do not claim to be a writer, or even very good at it, and I will try to correct my terrible spelling as best as possible.....hey I take care of numbers all day, I do not claim to know how to write....
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