After my mom passed away my dad would say many times "Who broke the mirror for our 7 years of bad luck"...it was his way of dealing with the fact that we were both relieved that mom had passed and no more illness. Of those 7 years 4 of them were my high school years. During that time no one was allowed over to my house and if we had to go to my house for me to get something I would have them wait outside and run in. There have been people from my past....friends...who have tried to say they knew what I was going through because they we such good friends or that they were there through it all....NO ONE knew what I went through not even my dad, my dad would say quite often, he could never imagine how I felt during that time just like I couldn't imagine how he felt, which was very very true.
My dad had a rule in our house, you were to be involved in something during HS or you got a job, my brothers played sports and I was in band/flags. However I think at some point dad made sure I was involved in my band/flag because he knew it was part of my escape from home ....my hell?? the other escape was my babysitting. I didn't realize till the last few years that there were many parties and such that I wasn't invited to during high school, not sure why and I don't know that it makes any difference in who I would have been or even if I would have gone if I was invited. I know that not everyone could be best friends in high school, there were nice people and mean people and I hope I was one of the nice people. I know that there were people who were mean and they know it and there were people who were mean and had no clue. Anyway I think I was so involved in my life at home that I knew people had been mean to me but never wanted to worry about it or stress too much about it, sometimes I did and sometimes I just forgot about it.
So seven years.....seven years of my youth, spent going to hospitals, spent keeping secrets, escaping the hell, and growing up way too fast. Recently I got up the nerve to read my dad's letters, dad would write a weekly letter to friends and family to let the know what was going on with the "California McGaws". It was a reality check for me, to see these words in writing from my dad. Dad speaking of moms suicide attempt by mom and his point of view. Reading dad's words and how he loved her but at the same time wished it was all over...I knew that there were times dr's didn't expect mom to last long, however I didn't know close it was many times. Apparently there were a few times that mom never should have made it through the night. Dad had a rule no one except family could visit mom, PERIOD!! This was because mom had problems making the mind and the mouth work together after one one of her episodes of being in a coma. He wrote about this in his letter how it would upset mom if anyone came to see her and how long it would take the nurses, him or even me to calm her down. My mom had many stints in the hospital, some of then she would be awake but not aware of her surroundings and during these times the dr would call it an awake coma. I can remember talking my mom into eating jello, she hated jello, but I could convince her of this when she was in this state....the nurses loved it when I would come visit and do this. I also remember an incident my dad wrote of, where mom was convinced that me and Carol were locked in a closet, so he took me down the hospital after dinner when the nurse called to say she was upset because the Amy and Carol were locked in the closet, she kept calling me by my brothers name and thought I was him so as being my brother I had to convince her were weren't in the closet. She also spent many of my birthdays in the hospital. Now there were a very few selected number of people who know the secrets withing our house....one being the neighbor Mike who I spoke of in another post, who has since become my boyfriend (that's a whole different story). But there were those that knew she was in and out of the hospital but didn't know the extent or why.
Till the day dad passed he loved my mom and missed her. He would always wonder what would have happened if she hadn't gotten sick. So I get comfort in knowing they are in heaven together. It has been over 29 years since my mom passed away and it still make me cry to think of all that happened during those years.
